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for A Prayer for Peace

7/3/2008 c5 54Martin III
Hm... mixed bag here. Chapter 3 is probably the best of the bunch. You erroneously state that Ein knew Malice from before his coming to Riviera, but every scene here is well done. The undine raft was a good idea. The prayer you chose fits very well, and you manage to make Fia's power very convincing, even before Ledah's hypothesis. Ein and Fia's confessions are sensitively handled; very satisfying, and not too forced. Even the appearance by Ledah and Malice's spirits felt natural.

Chapter 4 is a different story. Main problem is that I don't see it in either Ein or Fia to commit fornication, especially not so casually. Serene expecting Fia to describe Ein's body for her is more than a little weird, too... Speaking of which, I don't see how Lina would know that. All she has is Fia's "phew", which just indicates relief that Ein didn't think she'd been peeping on him - doesn't give any hint as to whether or not she actually did peep. And Lina has always been pretty clueless, anyway.

Just a few line-by-line problems:

1."making sure to make her point understood." You don't need that phrase.

2."calling the others Undines." You meant "calling the other undines.", maybe?

3."Ein shocked his head." I'm guessing this is a typo...

4."You always think of others before yourself, and you don’t want to burden us." There's an extra paragraph break after "to".

5."needing to breath." That's "breathe".

6."Nothing much was happening right now in the house." The phrase "right now" doesn't belong in past tense narrative.

7."bored out of theirs minds." That's "their".

8."“Cierra, since when nothing happens with Ein around?” Rose asked, knowing him too well for his own good." The phrase "knowing him too well for his own good" is superfluous.

9."“Good point.” The witch answered." You don't need that dialogue tag.

10."“Fia, there’s something I wanted to ask you before you?”" Before what?

Overall not bad though. Your later works are MUCH better, but as Riviera sequels go, this one fits rather well with the game.
6/28/2008 c3 Martin III
Heh; finally getting around to reading this. Anyway, it's pretty good so far. I like seeing Ein and Fia together, and this story does a nice job of that, even if the plot isn't extremely engaging. The part where they have to sleep together to keep warm was good; it didn't feel as contrived as the earlier scene where they accidentally end up snuggling.

Your writing does seem quite a bit weaker than your later work, though. In particular, while I loved the idea of the Sage and the Fool showing up to ask for assistance, neither of them talk at all like themselves. They come off as completely faceless.

There are a lot of other lesser problems, typos mostly, which I've listed here. You may want to take special note of #8, though; that one really jumped out at me.

1."Serene, who didn’t had anywhere to go, and Cierra, who liked Elendia, decided to settle here." Should be "Serene, who didn’t have anywhere to go, and Cierra, who liked Elendia, decided to settle there."

2."Fia and Ein, who always wanted to come along with her," Who's "her"? The last female mentioned is Rose, but it didn't sound like she was going anywhere.

3."no monster have even been saw near Elendia." Should be "no monsters have ever been seen near Elendia."

4."Fia halted her thoughts to answer Ein :" and "Fia interrupted her thoughts again to answer." You don't need those sentences.

5."“True, but I doubt the others will want." Should be "“True, but I doubt the others will want to go."

6."would finally had some time alone with him. Or maybe he finally started to notice her?" Should be "would have some time alone with him. Or maybe he had finally started to notice her?"

7."So far, they didn’t encountered anything.", "no one were except us”", "take a break to eat little." Self-explanatory.

8."Ein had had to stop himself from just running straight to them and cut the head of the bastard with his sword." Woah... isn't that just a little extreme? All he did was call Fia a "cutie". Is that really sufficient reason to kill him?

9."Not only they were going to hurt her," Should be "Not only were they going to hurt her,"

10."to rush them form behind and creating a surprise effect." Should be "to rush them from behind."

11."Fia rolled her eyes, annoyed a little," Sounds more like Rose than Fia...

12."Her and Ein started to" Should be "She and Ein started to"

13."It wasn’t much long before" Should be "It wasn’t long before"

14."giving a chance to Ein and Fia to attack it before it chooses to go underwater again." Should be "giving Ein and Fia a chance to attack it before it submerged again."

Overall not bad... a nice continuation of where the game left off, and mostly respectful of the characters. I'll read the rest soon.
4/25/2008 c5 77Aquatic-Idealist
It was a very cute story, and you portrayed all your characters realistically. For that, thanks, and Great Job!
1/31/2007 c1 1Sage Fury
Beautiful. No other words to describe it. Just beautiful.
1/14/2007 c2 10SaoirseSpeir
Aw...sweet, EinxFia fluff! Eheheh. Lina's pretty smart when it comes to defending the things most precious to her. Their minds shattered...-cackles-
1/14/2007 c1 SaoirseSpeir
Huzzah for EinxFia! Nice start, to review the events from the end and then some.
12/11/2006 c1 Lord Rasler
XD that was a really great fic^.^ i read it a while ago but couldn't review it, i had no fanfic account. But now i can, so prepare to be reviewed^-^

The story line had me hooked and wanting more, a very Good thing. the action sences were very good, but could use so work^.^ u stuck to the characters personalities, not much, if any, OOC going on. the conclusion left me with very few questions, so non important its not worth listing XD so continue the great fic writing and ill look out for more of ur fics! ( BTW, Freedom Kira suggested i read ur work, and he was Right!)
4/13/2006 c5 26Heian Edenwood
pretty nice fic with good humour. as usual. ;) kudos. can't wait for your next fic. ^^
1/19/2006 c5 20Strawberry Eggs
Hee! Your story has the honor of being the first Riviera fanfic I've read, and let me tell you, I love it ^^. I have recetnly finished the game and decided to check out some of the fanfiction here. Seeing as I like the Ein/Fia pairing, I chose this one. I'm so glad I did! ^_^

It seemed like a simple premise Fia and Ein choosing to go back to Tehthy to pray for the restless souls of the people who lived there. It was told really well though. I've spotted some typos, but otherwise it was well written. Then there was the ending when Ein and Fia confessed...I just loved it! I also liked the humor bits. Very well done!
1/11/2006 c5 Aaron
This story was pretty good. And Your speaking to someone who likes reading fanfiction! The story was well written you were careful with details and the way you used those characters was simply stupendous! I truly look forward to your next fanfic!
1/3/2006 c5 3Phoenix Lord
That's a nice little romance story and it had a little fighting action. Maybe your next story will be even better, with some more action in it.
12/22/2005 c5 187Feral Phoenix
So much for keeping things a secret! Well, that's Ein for you.

How in the hell did they manage to be quiet enough that nobody heard them? o.o;; Dude, people are LOUD when they do that.

'“How Ein is? You know, since he’s an angel, he must have some muscles under those clothes, right? And… How It is?” She asked, a devious smile forming on her lips.'

Hahaha, that part made me smile. Serene is almost as much of a pervert as me!

...But not quite as much.

Oh, and in case you ever wondered? Last time we checked, he's five and a half inches. *nods*

No, you don't want to know how I know that. ^ ^;;

A "certain someone"? Me? *bows modestly* Well now, that's a shock, considering how much you hate my favorite pairing.

Well, I hope to see more from you, whether it be in the way of minifics or one-shots. Ganbatte kudasai!
12/17/2005 c5 89
In one word: Awesome.

This is going to be one of my alltime favorites.

You have some real writing tallent.
12/16/2005 c5 10Biggoron
Wow that's a really good way to end the story. It was one of the best fics I have ever read, and I've read quite a few. (At least u have my opinion that it's the best in the Riviera section...) Well, Bravo. I think I may write even a Riviera story soon. I think that a sequel to this story would be very nice...and even if you won't make one, I'll be sure to read your other fics. As I've probably said before, Keep up all the good stuff.

12/10/2005 c4 meirus
i love it. you have a great amount of writing talent.
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