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for nobody's home

3/28/2006 c2 1Joe who can't get a valid name
wow Rei en Usagi

goed werk ik vond dit hoofdstuk erg interesant

weg met die mamoru-baka , naar de hel met die klootzak :@ ach ik mag 'm gewoon niet , mannen zijn allemaal hetzelfde

hehe how you like my little suprise ? sorry i just feel like teasing lately

gr. Joe
3/25/2006 c2 124Amnesia Nymph
omg i love this ! yay for the Rei and Usa pairing ! booeoeoeoeh for the bastard who called himself a prince of the future of tokyo ! great job ^_^ write more like this ...plieze ?

~ Risella
2/22/2006 c1 Amnesia Nymph
0oh damn , go0d story , i don't know why i haven't read this one before...oOh right , i never read storied centred around Serena , go0d story..i really mean it...

I liked the *Besides her broken heart she could feel several broken bones, slashes where everywhere across her body, and all she could do was cry over the fact that she had truly lost him * sentence , really sad...I hope you write more like this !

Amnesia nymph
2/5/2006 c1 11Jason Ulloa
I found the story concept interesting, however, the end seemed somewhat unfinished to me. Did she die or just fall unconscious? As it is, it screams 'To Be Continued' to me. However, if that was your intention, then it's fine as it is. Also, there were some problems with grammar that made the story hard to read for me.

Some examples:

Run-on sentences -

Oh mina was beside herself with worry shed even tried to go see her but her mother had said Serena wasn’t seeing anyone and every time she herself had gone to see her and given her food Serena had hidden.

I think it'd be better as:

Oh, Mina was beside herself with worry. She'd even tried to go see her, but her mother had said Serena wasn’t seeing anyone. Every time she had gone to see her and give her food, Serena hid herself.

Incorrect verb conjugation -

She has been sat in her bed since she regained the silver crystal she has never left the warm covers.

'has been sat' should either be 'had been sitting' or 'has been sitting'. Also, the sentence would probably read better like this:

She had been sitting in her bed ever since she regained the Silver Crystal. She had never left the warm covers.

Anyway, I think you have the potential for a good one-shot. Just fix the grammar problems and maybe polish up the ending a bit.
2/4/2006 c1 32Mystic Dodo
aw... that's really sad. you described Serena's feelings perfectly and it really moved me. good job!

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