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for The Golden Age: Chaotic Cosmos

2/28/2012 c6 Zeplic
What the heck is Kira doing back in high school? He and Sai, Miriallia, etc. were in college at the beginning of Gundam SEED. What is any one of them doing in high school? They're obviously wasting their time. Partying all night long? I know they're teenagers but don't you think they're more mature?

Your Bio CPUs are cliche Sues. Immediately having their personalities and hottness factor stick out? And they're so strong and crazy? ZZZzzzzzz
12/6/2011 c55 1Hcps123
While I do find the concept of newtypes interesting are you sure that's what you want to call it? I mean it's find if you want to use that type of ability, it was in GS but there was a reason why no one ever refered to it as newtype powers. Also going back a chatper or two, while I can understand completely why Ashino would choose to ask about love I just can't help but feel it's too much of a cliche.

You've got the monster rescuing the girls from the villiam in return he only wants to know what love is? It's a little too much, I would rather him ask what pizza taste like. That just seems more real and unique.
11/11/2011 c62 9RoyalKnightX
Well, I'm not done reading yet, but I figured I'd drop a review anyway on my thoughts thus far. At 62 Chapters in, I really have to congratulate you on the best Seed fic I've ever read, and it seems to only be getting better and better.

At first, I questioned a few things... I wasn't really a fan of what I percieved to be some slightly immature behavior from Kira and friends, but then the story itself addressed this when someone, I don't remember who, but Dearka I believe, mentioned that the war was over and they could be teenagers again. They didn't have to be adults, and suddenly it made perfect sense. And I want to thank you for that, as I'm something of a Kira fanboy who loved Destiny because he got to be a badass the whole time, and a reminder that even the Ultimate Coordinator is just human is a good refresher.

I was also a little wary of TEMPEST (plus Katie and Chanel... oh god, Chanel T_T), as I've not seen very many well done OCs in any fandom, much less a whole team of them plus their adopted daughters. But if my sobbing over Chanel hasn't already given me away, I've quickly fallen in love with all of them. At first they seemed to overshadow the pilots, but then, just like with the maturity thing earlier, this was addressed... I believe it was Raine to referred to Kira and Athrun as being "like Vlad, but with Mobile Suits." And sure enough, when they all got their new machines... well, somewhere, I'm pretty sure I heard "Meteor" playing. It was awesome, and I'm a huge fan of all the upgrades... I'm a sucker for any Freedom, really (I was very sad Kira didn't get to destroy the hell out of the Purifier, stupid replica), but since you asked at the end of 62 for favorite original mobile suit, I think the Duelist actually takes the cake for me... the Proton Cloak is awesome. Plus, your handling of Yzak is even more awesome, giving the Duelist even more of an edge.

Seriously, Yzak is my favorite of the canon characters to read about so far. You've done an excellent job of developing his character without changing his personality, which I've seen before in some lesser quality writings... where he forgets all his anger due to love or blah blah blah whatever, it's not Yzak without a temper. And you've kept him perfectly in character while also having him change *and* put him in a romance with twins... that actually works and doesn't feel forced for the sake of fanservice. And that is amazing. Truly amazing.

My favorite OC so far is Ashino, without a doubt. Cray is a sick son of a bitch, sure, and Frost is even more so in addition to being near unkillable, but Ashino's development is magnificent. He's the weakest of the three and he knows it, but his mind is clearly the strongest... Frost is likely more intelligent, but as Lacus is saying, Ashino is retaining some of his humanity, and that's important. Frost's intelligence is more like processing power, running itself and his body for him, while Ashino... Ashino strikes me as very Coordinator-like, aware of his superiority but also aware of his very real limits, and having to plan around them accordingly. If it wasn't for his ability to retain his sanity in dangerous situations, Cray or Frost would have killed him long ago. It makes me wonder... clearly, he knew Shani well, perhaps if Ashino had been in the Raider or Calamity, Shani would have been a better team player and the war would have ended in Alliance victory. Who can say?

I do have a few gripes left, but they are mostly minor and several have, once again, dealt with themselves. The collective stupidity of the Orb citizenry at believing the "Freedom" astounds me, as they should all be well aware that the Freedom is only a machine and there is no way to prove that the pilot is the same. Plus, it is their hero for fighting off the Alliance. Who it is now endorsing. As I type this review, though, I begin to suspect that Cervantes may be an Active Newtype with a power similar to Lacus's. My other major gripe was Sai, who I was overjoyed to see included among Kira's friends at the beginning, and then... while I'm very pleased he hasn't gone full Blue Cosmos on us, his decisions seem very out of character to me so far. He was at Alaska... he knows how terrible Blue Cosmos is. I can see how he, even in character, would come to the conclusion that Coordinators and Naturals should just separate... but I can't see him ever joining Blue Cosmos. However, I am not done reading... I cannot judge Sai yet. I'm curious to see what happens when he discovers his parents were drafted, and that Cervantes was responsible for ruining the peace talks.

Now then, that long review almost distracted me from how depressed I am that Chanel is dead. Almost. I'm gonna go cry in a corner now, or something... though I'm half-expecting her mind to be lodged in Katie's psyche somewhere, maybe emerging for a brief moment and then finally fading away for real the first time Yzak and Katie are intimate (a way they could, tragically, *both* be first), I'm not counting on it and indeed, if my idea happened it would be a little cheesy. But hey... cheese is great.

-RKX
11/10/2011 c49 1Hcps123
Another slow chapter, but still interesting. I feel like you're over doing the relationships, I mean at this point in time we all get that the couple are in love so you don't have to keep pointing it out, as for the friction from the war, I think that would have shown better then just telling us about but then again I can understand you not wanting to drag the story out by putting unimportant battles in there. Sai on the other hand is coming across as a contrudiction, I get that he doesn't want to mass murder the coordinators but instead push them all away, that's an understandable progression of his character but then you completely throw this away when he invites Kira!

Hello Kira is a coordinator, and despite the fact he doesn't want to kill coordinators he still shouldn't want them in his prencess, now I can understant this if it was just Kira, they were long time friends and him being a coordinator might have just slipped his mind, but then he invites LACUS! NO if he's with Blue C at all he should hate Lacus, turning around and saying "I want all coordinators to leave Earth" directly followed by "I miss my coordiantor friends" with no logical setup or explantion for this mood swing makes no sense.

I like how you have TEMPEST as a contrast between the rest of the Archangel crew, I also like how Ysak's getting as good as Kira thanks to trainning, it always bugs me in Gundam when the hero beats out all of these pros who must have spend months training if not years with pure talent. The buildup for the attack is killing me.
11/5/2011 c13 aurelian620
So Vlad's arms are like Ed's automail from Fullmetal Alchemist?
11/5/2011 c12 aurelian620
So um fathers get proud when their sons "bed" someone? I always thought that Sai's glasses were perscription ones, not sunglasses since we never see him without them on. Does Cervantes really need a cane, a few relatives of mine are over 60 and they don't need a cane.
11/4/2011 c10 aurelian620
Isn't it seed mode not berseker?
11/2/2011 c8 aurelian620
Did you mean messed or moussed when you said "mussed". I found Cagalli's costume way too revealing and kind of slutty. I doubt the old Indiana Jones movie Dearka found would have played on whatever median he used. Gundam SEED takes place at least 200 year from now and with their advanced technology, I doubt they would still have a dvd or blu ray player, like how now days hardly anyone watches old video tapes on VHS.
11/2/2011 c7 aurelian620
Ahmed's mom gave Cagalli a chunk of malacite, that's what Kisaska said, not jade.
11/1/2011 c6 aurelian620
In your story Kira, Lacus, Cagalli, Athrun, Dearka, Mir and Yzak are in gr. 11, but in the first episode of Gundam SEED, it showed Kira, Sai, Mir, Kuzzey and Tolle attending a college, and don't you learn the quadratic equation in grade 10?
11/1/2011 c5 aurelian620
Yzak always finds himself in awkward situations in this story. I doubt Lacus would ever wear a halter top and short shorts, she's a very modest person, at least in SEED.
11/1/2011 c3 aurelian620
Good story so far but isn't the Archangel called the legged ship, not the "legit" ship? When Cagalli said that she would have been slain if Athrun died, I found that really over dramatic. That sounds like Bella after Edward left her in New Moon. Isn't it also a bit too soon for her to say that? I mean Cagalli might really like him right now but I don't think she'd be "slain" if Athrun died, I doubt they even love each other yet. When Lacus wanted Kira to love her because she's all alone, it didn't sound like real love. Wouldn't Kira want to be with Lacus because she loves him, not because she's all alone? When Ysak was thinking that he's the only one without a girl caring for him, it seemed kind of out of character to me. He never came off as the kind of guy that would care about that, at least not to me, but then again he is a guy. One last thing, isn't "Ysak" spelled Yzak?
11/1/2011 c7 natsu.point
While you have a very good writing skills, your weakness is the characters itself. I have noticed from the start that your character's are a bit out of character.

Lacus and Kira in this chapter are the ones standing out in terms of being out of character.

While we all now that Lacus isn't an innocent girl type, she is also not a seductive person type. I can't see her sitting on a person's lap whether it is her boyfriend or father.

Kira's action is also very unusual on this chapter. He goes from naive to shameless on showing his love on Lacus. Did anyone forgot that there are others watching them?

I also can't picture the two of them kissing and showing affections in public and not get embarrass. You do remember that Kira is innocent even in sex? Flay is obviously the one who initiate all the actions.

I also think Kira wouldn't attend such party because he doesn't really care what Vanai thinks. It would have make more sense if Dearka was the one who persuade Kira to go to the party.
10/29/2011 c41 Hcps123
Shinn, interesting bringing him in so soon not to mention the parents but unlike the parents I have to call Shinn being a little bit out of character. First off Shinn seems too smart, too skilled for so little experience, even Kira wasn't that good right off the bat. Now I have some questions about your timeline, your story takes place directly after GS which is roughly the time Shinn left for the PLANTs, now I could be wrong but since that happen 2 years before GSD and Shinn was 16 in GSD that would make Shinn 14 right now. Possibly 15 counting how much time passed in your story.

That raises 2 problems for me, first I just can't see any government not only giving a 14 year old a mobile suit worth god knows how much money, 18 is pushing it, 16 is really pushing it, 14 I don't care how good the kid is it's not going to happen. Second when did Shinn get train? I'll give you Shinn joinning Zaft right off the get go but (and feel free to correctly since I know very little about military) I have always had the impression bootcamp by itself took 6 months and since Shinn went to a ZAFT military school as well I don't see how he could have completed that all yet while gainning some battle experience as a pilot.

Finally that just leaves the mirage thing, yea Shinn always struck me as the "In your face" guy. I just can't see him using the mirage. Cagalli maybe but definity not Shinn.

Still overall this was an excellent chapter, it's interesting how you're bringing the parents into this. I always did kind of wonder what happen to Kira's dad in GSD.
10/19/2011 c33 Hcps123
Hello it's me, yup I'm still reading your story. Ok from what I read so far I have to agree with everything everyone has already said about you and your awesome writing *how befiting of my rivial HAHAHA (he says trying to boost his failing confidence)* There are a couple of things I want to say though, now keep in mind whoever reads this review that I'm just a rookie writer compare to Maderfole so chances are I'm probably dead wrong but the job of the reviewer is to express his opinion about the story no matter how wrong it maybe. You've done a great job making the cannon cast your own within 33 chapters but it's your OC characters I'm worried about. By having 6 cannon cast characters and then adding 7 more original characters not to mention the villians I feel that you simply took on more then any writer could chew.

While your cannon cast hasn't suffered from this I'm afriad that your OC has even as I write this the only original character I can picture clearly is Vlad for obvious reasons but everyone else is just kind of blurrly, I'm constantly confusing James and Majestry (I think that's his name) which is only made worse by switching back to their real names again as for Rein (Sorry if misspelled) well if she wasn't the only girl on the team I can assure you I wouldn't have any idea who she is. The twins got more screen time because they're dating one of the cannon cast so I can see them better then the others but I still can't get a feel of them as indivuals yet, they just keep registering as *spoiler*'s boyfriend.

Now this can be alright if you just intend on them being background cast like the oringial crew of the Archangel but I feel like you want them to be more then that. I apologize if this is old news but in order to be a good reviewer I have to act like this is your newest chapter otherwise what's the point.

For anyone deciding to read this I definitly recommend it but the following part is between me and the Author.

Maderfole I just wanted to say thank you; from reading your story, from your tips, from your reviews I have learn a great amount from you and I am truely greatful *bows*. In a way when I first challenge you it's like you kicked my ass hard (like if we were physically fighting) and while it may have hurt at the time it was a nessceary ass kicking, you showed me the difference between a rookie (me) and a master of his craft (you) and thanks to it I got my assed together and reforge my broken sword so it maybe stronger then before. Sadly I will not be continuing to read your story, it's nothing personal I just disagree with the direction you're going with Cagalli.

There were 2 main reasons I continue to read forward in this story, 1 I wanted to see how you wrote Gundam battle scenes and 2. I wanted to see what kind of Gundam you gave her.

I was highly disappointed in Cagalli's Gundam, If I was the leader of a nation and my top weapon's designer gave these 4 super cool awesome Gundams to my 4 BFs and then gave me that piece of crap I would have fired her their on the spot. First of all you kept that horrible pink color (cherry apple? face it it's pink) which would have made sense if it were Lacus but Cagalli never struck me as a pink girl espically after GS. Second was there really a need to give it a new name? I mean other then the new weapons and shield, plus miriage thingy it's still Strike Rouge, which also bugs me; here you go and basicily build 4 new Gundams for the others but Cagalli just gets a couple of new weapons? How is that not getting ripped off. (on a sidenote I thought it was funny how we both decided to give Cagalli a spear type melee weapon).

Ok that's enough of me ripping on Cagalli's machine but what bugs me the most is the way you had her act in their first battle when she faced Forst, GS Cagalli should never scream like a damisal in distress when facing an overwhelmingly strong opponent like Forest, she's got too much pride/stubborness for that, GSD Cagalli maybe. Now while it's in Athrun's character to save Cagalli and then tell her to run away the fact she does this with little to none reluctance is something that infurriates me, it angered me when they had her do that in GSD when Kira saved her from Shinn and it angers me now.

Anyone who isn't the author reading this like I said above the work is amazing, awesome and definitly something you should read these are just my own personal ticks so just ignore me.

Yup that's all I've got to say, by the time I get 1000 reviews I expect you to have already made this into a best selling book sponser by Brandi so see you at the top.)
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