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for The Golden Age: Chaotic Cosmos

7/28/2009 c11 8Strata-Assassin
So, I have no idea how I was able to take such a long break in between the fight chapters, but-somehow-I managed it... O.o

"I'm a homicidal maniac. I'm also chronically depressed and obsessive." Hah! Great line, and sounds vaguely familiar... :P

"'You seem pretty lucid and rational for a madwoman.'" I love Yzak.

Oh, I'm sure you fixed this kind of stuff later on, but I'd avoid the moments where the characters literally jump out of nowhere and back into the fight. Looks a tad sloppy.

I'm really debatable on how Katie and Chanel react to killing people. I'm mean, it's realistic-no doubt-but they seemed a tad sadistic in the first place. Maybe not so much sobbing as just in pure shock/horror. *shrugs* Personal preference, I guess.

Damn, that was brutal. I feel bad for Lacus. After all, when was the last time something like THAT ever happened to her? Can we say... never?

Let's hear a "Woot!" for the crazy-invincible villain!

Strata
7/28/2009 c8 5Death-Scimitar
Heh, Yzak not trusting his own roommates when they say the twins aren't with them really shows that he is completely intimidated.

I liked Mir's way of waking up Dearka, a little bit of a sadistic streak going there. Then again, she did try to stab him with a scalpel... I sure hope Dearka has a little masochistic streak in him. Wait, he's friends with Yzak, of course he's a bit of a masochist.

The costumes... While I wouldn't doubt that Athrun could pull off the barbarian look, I think he would look too pale for it... Oh well.

Lacus, seriously?

I wouldn't have been surprised if Kira dressed up as some sort of Grecian god... Or else just put on a shirt with the name tag that says, "Hello: my name is GOD"

At least Sai looks dashing.

Dearka = Indiana Jones. I can totally see that.

Well, can't really blame Yzak. The idea does make sense and it is semi-rational... but I have a feeling it's going to end in disaster in some way...

~Death
7/28/2009 c7 Death-Scimitar
Well then, here's to finally getting around to reviewing.

I almost feel bad for Yzak, if I didn't enjoy the predicament he's stuck in. No one really gives him a break, but I'm sure the twins are good for him in some way; whether detrimental to his health or not.

And of course, Dearka is just being the best friend to help loosen Yzak up, so what if he gets some amusement from it.

The part where 'Uncle Vlad' confronts Dearka seemed kind of forced... Though it's nice to see some revealing of his background, the whole section still seemed forced and thrown haphazardly in to accommodate the telling of his background.

Flashback... *twitch* actually write out... Don't leave in one huge block of words...

Oh god, a costume party? What are they going to wear? Haha, now I thought of someone wearing a ZAKU costume or something! But that probably wouldn't fly since most of the people invited are Naturals...

Aw, Yzak... Take it like a man!

~Death
7/26/2009 c10 8Strata-Assassin
Poor Sai, he has no idea what he's getting into. Such a sweet guy too... *sigh*

And then she starts crying. I must admit, everyone goes soft for a crier. "But I said-oh no, please don't cry. Damnit! Can't-resist-" Yeah, kind of pathetic, but, meh, it's human nature, I guess.

Y'know, I might have a gripe about Lacus's characterization here. She sounds a little... too needy. Yes, she loves Kira-as much as her 16-year-old heart can-but I always saw her as more independent than that. Maybe all this lovey-dovey stuff is getting to me at the moment, but I'm not so sure neither her nor Cagalli would just drop their main personality traits to try and get close to a guy. Okay, yes, there's the "inseparable" period, but they might be past that after two months or so...

*Sigh* Ah, the bomb trick. Almost had 'em. Kinda wished it was a bit more described though. Such potential, especially if Frost set it up.

Oh, sorry, but just a reminder. If you're going to have a character talking in third person, be sure to make it consistent. There was an area where Frost was using "me" and "I" instead of "Frost". Like I said before, I really like the concept and wouldn't want to see it degraded by some slip ups. Just keep an eye out.

Cags got a "borrowed pistol"? Eh? Did I miss that somewhere?

Wouldn't the bullets go into Mir too? *slightly confused, but mesmerized at the same time* And a submachine gun is prety hard to handle. Dearka must have one hell of a shot...

Holy crap this guy is sadistic... Brilliant!

Strata
7/26/2009 c9 Strata-Assassin
Ah, I've always loved characters who talk in the third person. AND he's a sadistic psychopath? Can a villain be any more fun?

Hm, here's a question, did the Manga/Anime ever say Dearka was "banned from his family"? I, honestly, have no idea so I was wondering if you made it up or if it was true. Kinda sad...

So, now it's time for me to make some kind of prediction. Seeing as most of the couples are-well-consisted of two people, either Kate or Chanel is going to die...? Hopefully, it won't be soon-because that kind of emotional turmoil on Yzak would be a good plot mover-but I have a feeling it's going to happen. Or maybe, I'm just thinking from my standpoint. I'd do it. Would hate to, but would end up doing it nonetheless. And imagine what the impact would be on Kate? Bring twins is a HUGE emotional connection, I couldn't imagine if one died. *shivers* Not something I'd want to go through, personally, but it war times y'never know.

Hah! Funny how the guys are terrified by the fact of having TWO girlfriends. Most men fantasize about that and here the SEED boys have a chance and they choose to avoid it. Some may call that "honorable" while others would just slap them over the head and call them "idiots". I'd hate to have all those girls have PMS at the same time... O.o

"The guys hustled over and everyone was quickly transported up to the house proper." Hah, sorry when I first read this I was thinking of a teleporter kind of thing. :P My mind works in strange ways...

Y'know, Kira strikes me as the hopeless romantic kind of guy. The one with the cheesy pick-up lines (For example: "If you were a booger I'd pick you first.") and the stretch put the arm around her shoulder kind of thing. Hm, interesting image, actually.

Wow, a party of this caliber and they don't have expensive alcohol? Ironic...

Alright, writing tip for this chapter. I don't remember if I sent this to you yet or not, but try putting the person's actions in the same paragraph as the person who's talking. Now, for fight sequences that might not be so easy, but if two people are talking back and forth be sure to put their actions and dialogue side by side. This will, at least, decrease confusion.

"Spawned"! Heh, such a good word.

a PA system in an estate? Wow, that's either really advanced or just plain sad. "Mr. Zunnichi, your daughter would like you to come to the kitchen and talk about her getting a pony for Christmas. I repeat, Mr. Zunnichi, get your ass into the kitchen and shut this girl up!"

Dun, dun, dun... "What will our fair heroes do now? Do they know their impending deaths are right around the corner? Or will they just stay oblivious and get torn to shreds?"

Strata
7/19/2009 c6 5Death-Scimitar
So, Yzak getting caught with the twins was quite hilarious. And the fact that Dearka got pictures of it. Priceless. Damn you, you actually got me to cheer for Kira to find a place to develop the photos... But I supposed it would have been worth it in the end.

High School. One of the 7 layers of hell- or at least, it should have been. Hmm... I think I'm liking this Frost guy. Very much so.

Cagalli and Mir definitely know how to handle the boys, I'll give them that. It's a lot of fun to mess with them like that in the first place.

Oh yeah, I definitely like Frost.

Whoo! Background info on Blue Cosmos and BCPUs! Shani! Ah, I love the Druggies... Nice detail you have here.

A plan to assassinate Lacus? I wonder how Ray is going to pull that one off? Should be interesting.

~Death
7/15/2009 c5 Death-Scimitar
Well, I finally gotten around to reviewing, so what if I'm a little behind. I thought about doing one of my notorious/infamous 'insane' reviews that I tend to give Strata, but I think I'll hold back on that for now. But fair warning is that it will come eventually.

Just to let you know, I should be writing right now but instead I'm reading/reviewing... *points accusing finger* Distraction!

Anyway, I finally meet the twins I've been hearing about. And imagine that they get to see Yzak right away, with the rest of the groupies.

Oh, god, I can just imagine a jaw-to-ground look on Kisaka's face when Alkire calls over to him. It doesn't suit him at all, but damn if it isn't funny.

Can I strangle Cagalli yet? Or better yet, let Yzak handle it. Though him with the twins was quite amusing- especially the fact he pleads for Dearka to help and actually goes to hide behind his friend and Mir.

I wonder what the whole story is with Vlad and Kisaka... I suppose I should just keep reading then.

Athrun, why did you have to break up the fight? *sighs* How can you put up with Cags, is my question? Then again, I'm not really in any place to throw stones.

Dearka's theory of Yzak's anger is plausible but highly unlikely. Amusing nonetheless... It's no wonder why Dearka was another favorite character.

Those boys... they're going to be so whipped before the day is over- at least more so than they already are.

Not so much as correcting anything, but just the fact that I've never seen the word "pique" used as a synonym for "annoyance" mostly I see it worded as such "The statement piqued his interest" or something like that. I'll admit I had to make sure you were using it right. *shrugs*

Anndd... the twins 'attack' again.

Strata probably already mentioned this but *twitch* the dialogue... *twitch*

Very rarely do albino humans have red eyes, the more common color of a human albino is a pale blue.

I'm beginning to like this Vlad character...

Ah, Yzak, you know you enjoyed the attention more than you're letting on.

Okay, done with this chapter! Moving onto the next one... tomorrow. I really need to write and possibly sleep at some point. Oh well...
7/15/2009 c8 8Strata-Assassin
Okay, still trying to get over the fact that they're going to a costume party. Bold, are we?

As for the twins and Yzak, I'll never get tired of saying they are so much fun. I keep reading just to see how much they'll torment each other and then relish in the fact that Yzak is so intimidated by them.

Nice costumes. Who knew Athrun would readily show off his body, but hey, no complaining on this end. As for Cags, she's gotten a bit adventurous herself. Impressive, but I wonder if there are some things she's actually reserved in.

ZAFT Elite + party + obsessive twins + gun = loads of fun. :)

Strata
7/14/2009 c7 Strata-Assassin
Yikes, I now I said I wouldn't be nit-picky but watch your sentence beginnings. The first paragraph in particular is a good example. Remember, prepositional phrases can be-and are-your friends.

Another writer tip: Putting who speaks isn't required-actually, it's not preferred-when two people are talking back and forth, but after about three or four lines of dialogue, put back in who's talking. The part with Katie and Chanel was what brought this to my attention. I understand they're probably switching sentences back and forth, but I'm not totally sure. If you put something simple in like, "Katie said, playing off her sister's sentence with calm familiarity. Double teaming at it's finest," about halfway through, it'd make a little mroe sense. Okay, that might be a bad example, but I'm pretty sure you get the idea. It's just so the reader doesn't get lost and try to figure out who's talking instead of worrying about who or what they're talking to.

"By the next morning you'll be a sobbing mass of boy gelatin." Hah! Great phrase.

Doh, you could've beefed up the tension so much when Uncle Vladamir arrives. Just remember that for next time, okay?

One more little pointer on dialogue. Put the person's action in the same paragraph as them saying something. Just another way to deplete confusion.

Break up flashback dialogue as well. It's intimidating when it's all in one paragraph.

("Better not be hitting on her or better not be doing a bad job of hitting on her?" he asked snidely. This time it was Athrun who kicked him under the table. "Ow... my leg. I need that... to stand and all."

"Then stop making stupid comments.") HAH!

Y'know, I almost feel sorry for Yzak. Almost.

Strata
7/13/2009 c6 Strata-Assassin
Hah, nice date. I'm envious-don't know about the club thing-but they obviously had fun.

Poor Yzak! The kid is so busted now.

Wait, Ray? Is it THE Ray, or someone else? *Reads on* Doh... I guess not.

Is telling the class his real name that wise? Yeah, I'm not sure if Kira's name was pronounced on the television or anything, but it might be a bit risky. Say the name got back to a parent-someone working with Blue Cosmos or something-Kira would be in a lot of trouble. Unless that's intended, I'd be very weary.

Hah! Frost is a hoot!

Cags and Miri are so sly... I almost feel bad for the guys, but, honestly, that kind of stuff is fun. Sorry all you men, but girls have to have fun too.

So, the boy speaks in third person huh? And is hitting on Lacus? Good move? Bad move? ...Kira getting knocked to the floor. Yup, good move on Frost's part.

Hm, interesting insights on the Druggies-as they are formally know in Death and I's little world-and, it looks like you're finally getting into your really good description stuff here. Or at least have a lot of good information down.

After Lacus? Sounds like a plan.

Strata
7/12/2009 c5 Strata-Assassin
Ah Cags, the ever hotheaded youth. Hm, not sure if it's getting annoying yet. Love the girl, but she over does it sometimes. I wonder if Athrun ever gets frustrated with it.

Hah! Yzak getting harassed by girls and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Dearka, help me!" Priceless.

Ah! I love the twins! Anyone who can bring Yzak to his knees/cowering behind his friends. I think they deserve prizes or something. Hah, given their state of mind I'm thinking they'd enjoy making a scar on Yzak's chest.

Oh, little tip. When different people are talking, put their dialogue in a different paragraph. That way the readers are sure who's talking when.

Y'know, I always thought the Yzak x Cags pairing would be interesting. I'm not sure if it would ever work-and the thought of Yzak ruling Orb is downright terrifying-but y'never know. They each have they're own soft sides. Meh, just a thought, but I like Athrun and Cags way too much to abandon them.

Nit-picky-very nit-picky-on this one. One girl wouldn't have a bunk bed to herself... unless the lower bunk was holding her luggage... like I said, very nit-picky. Sorry.

It's impressive they all have their own room. I'm assuming they're all special guests or something 'cause in college that's rare. Usually there are two people to a bedroom and at least four to a room. Lucky them, I guess.

I'm surprised Dearka didn't bunk with Yzak. And where's he staying anyway? Did I miss that?

Yellow flower in Cags hair. Oh boy, who's going to die now? "Yellow Flower Syndrome" everyone... Oh, you seem to like the flower in the hair, don't you? Much like my muscle shirts and jeans, I'm thinking.

Uh, how does Yzak know they're Naturals? As far as I knew, only genetic tests could prove the difference...

Hm, somehow I'm thinking Yzak didn't hate the night as much as he was letting on. Just an observation. :)

Strata
7/10/2009 c1 Strata-Assassin
Check your DocX! Is this the only way I can get your attention. Delete this after I post it, but apparently there's a limit to how many messages I can send in a day... Strange 'cause it's a new day! Ugh!

Read this...

Please read this one at least...

Strata
7/10/2009 c4 Strata-Assassin
Hm, brilliant beginning. Honestly, it made me smile, but that might be 'cause I'm in a semi-bad mood at the moment. Nothing like the pain/death of others to bring up the mood. Yup, sadistic as always.

Descriptions of the people? Might be a tad nice here because I'm getting a little lost with all the characters being thrown in. It doesn't have to be much-or take up much space-but just the slight mention of hair color would be an added blessing.

"Blood and bone shards flew through the air like horizontal rain." A great line with so much potential. Should've branched off a lot more from it. If anything, it would've extended the battle sequence maybe another paragraph at least. Just that one alone might be too short, but I'm still a newbie with these kinds of things, so take that as you will.

Just an idea for future (alright, I know there's already 100+ chapters, but hear me out. Maybe someone else can learn from this) The description of the training center should've been before the killing began, not necessarily after. Yes, it does give the "Oh" factor and make the reader want to continue on until he or she knows what's going on, but the mindless killing could've been just that, mindless killing. It wouldn't have ruined anything to put it before and maybe even a sneak peak in the battle itself would've been a good idea.

Here's another little suggestion, but not necessarily has to be followed. If the program has italics, use it. In Gundam SEED-or any Gundam Anime-there are a lot of acronyms and mobile suit names already in CAPs, so to have a stressed word also be capitalized might cause confusion. If there is no italics or bold, fine, but they're good tools to use. Don't just let them rust up there on the menu.

Good idea about getting rid of Blue Cosmos. I was wondering what happened to them during the two year grace period because obviously-thanks to some psychopath named Djibril and his kitty-they still had a huge influence on Earth. Hm, I wonder how this is going to pan out.

"BCPU Frost is madness incarnate." You're right, I am going to like him. ...A lot

Aw! Yzak and his mom are adorable! The only woman who has him whipped, at least at the moment. Good, realistic portrayal of the turmoil in the PLANTs. It's not all fine and dandy after such a huge war and not everyone's going to agree with the "hold hands and say you're sorry" bit. Things take time.

I have a question here, wouldn't Cagalli return to Orb as soon as possible? After all, isn't she supposed to step up, and move things along. Yes, she's young, but I was always under the impression she headed straight back to Orb and helped out with the country as well as patch up things on earth. It just seems strange so many high-ranking officials-Kisaka included-are remaining in space when there's pure chaos in their country. They have the skills to make a huge difference, but they're being transported somewhere else to hide?

"I think I’m going to vomit." Now that's a mood destroyer! Yzak, I love you and hate you at the same time!

Kira's so dense... and it's utterly refreshing. Well, that erases omniscient from the kid's "godly traits" list.

And they go beyond the hand-holding, how exciting!

Well, on to the next one!

Strata
7/9/2009 c3 Strata-Assassin
I could post my grammar rules on dialogue, but I'm pretty sure you get better/learn it later on, so I'll refrain. Did I ever mention I might do a forum on grammar? I wonder if it would help...

"...kissed on the cheek..." Y'know, I could go into the rant-one that many people share I'm sure-on how Lacus and Kira get nothing more than holding hands and a small kiss in scenes, but it'd be way too long and terribly overdone. You have been spared. This time at least.

Not so sure about the phrase "...much more comfortably dimmer," but I have to remind myself how long ago this was written. No repercussions; I'll leave it alone.

"...freshly squeezed out of a toothpaste tube." Nice image and not lacking in the humor. Sweet.

Um, sorry, this one's kind of amusing and terribly minor-much like all the others. Lacus sudden turned into a Locus. Ah! How far must humanity de-evolve to reach such a stage? And Lacus be the one changing at that? What is the world coming to? Why is it coming to it? And must we all be forced to live a lowly life as insects or can we pray hard enough to be upgraded to-say-a fish? Heh, just had to give you grief.

Hmm.. "desperate brilliance". I may have to steal that line... :)

Bleh, cute, terribly cute, but I still find myself being reminded of their age. 16... emotions very delicate and "crush" switches to "love" very frequently. Athrun does have his stuttering down. There's the scene in Destiny when he wakes up with Meer in his bed that is utterly priceless. "Uh... Okay!" and runs to the door to talk to Luna, in his boxers mind you. Not one of his better moments.

"Legit Ship"? Uh, "Legged Ship"?

So, Yzak having the ever amusing "bad timing syndrome." Gotta love it, and being someone not so in touch with his emotions is even better.

Dearka whipped. Such a good image.

This lack of description thing is a huge surprise to me. I know it'll get better as the chapters go one, but wow, I didn't think you were capable of it.

Well, on to the next one!

Strata
7/8/2009 c4 5Death-Scimitar
Haha! I have something I can be nitpicky about! You've plenty of characters and most of them are introduced within a couple of paragraphs. I can visualize their movements and actions, their positions, what they're holding, who killed who, etc. However, I can't see the characters. I have a name, but not a face.

I think the most visual I got of someone was of Vladimir being a "slim Russian" I get that he's slim, but his is short, tall, did he have to find leverage to crush the man's windpipe, or did he easily tower over the poor guy? Give me a basic description and as you have them appear more, add in more details- a new scar added to the collection, worn eyes tired from all the fighting, etc.

I must say, interesting name for Blue Cosmos's project. It certainly works and it further reiterates what the training facilities are preparing the trainees for.

Anyway, OC druggies! That makes me happy. You're right, this Frost character has definitely grabbed my attention. He sounds like fun.

God, I always liked Yzak... now I love him! It sucks that he's getting the short end of the stick and being ousted as the scapegoat now that Creuset is dead. But how could the PLANTs forget his valiant efforts to stop the nukes from hitting home? Ungrateful cockroaches...

Though, Yzak should try throwing something heavier and/sharper at Dearka next time...

Damn, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to read Cags again... way to shoot down my hopes. But you redeemed yourself with the Dearka and Mir moment.

Haha! Do I remember correctly that you tend to liken yourself to Dearka? Apparently I did. So completely awkward...

("Yzak?"

"Yes, Dearka?"

"I hate you."

"That's nice. I hate you too for not telling me sooner that Athrun and Cagalli are fornicating in my room, on MY BED."

"I guess that makes us even, right?"

"Not in the least. We'll be even once the image is burned out of my mind. Trust me, something that horrifying will take a long while to fade.")

Damnit, Kira's in this chapter too... and the part is covered in sap! Dearka and Mir sap I readily read and enjoy, Athrun and Cags I tolerate and, daresay, sometimes enjoy. I'm perfectly fine with Lacus (surprisingly since she is the pick princess) but Kira sap is just... just... makes me want to go drown myself. Why, yes, my hatred of Kira runs oh-so deep.

Now, I believe I'm spoiling you too much already. In the end, I might just end up reviewing every chapter- lucky you.

On a side note, I have decided to give you a nickname; congratulations. Just as Strata-Assassin is "Strata", myself being "Death", you are official now known as "Mad" sometimes "Madder". It remains to be seen whether or not it is attributing to the fact of your writing skills or some type of psychological disorder.

Being a budding psychologist, I'm hoping for the latter.

~Death
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