3/21/2006 c1 Serena57
I have been reading some Firefly/Serenity fiction as of lately, because it has become one of my favourite fandoms. I came across your fanfiction and wanted to read it, but ended up skimming through it only to see what happened so I could make a constructive criticism.

Unfortunately, though you write well, your story has a major flaw. It has a Mary Sue. I don't know if you're familiar with the therm, but a Mary Sue is usually an original character dropped into a certain world that is, for lack of a better world, perfect. They are beautiful, skilled, they are accepted and loved by everyone and they seem to be able to do anything. Rain is one such character. I would have understood the need for a pilot, even though by the end of the movie River seemed to be the probably choice to replace Wash.

But then you bring Rain to the picture. As you yourself say: "I’m what one would call a Jane of all trades, sir. I know my way around an engine room and a galley, I can treat most minor and medium wounds, I can shoot a gun and hit the target, though I prefer other types of weapons, and I’m a fair pilot if this dolt decides to get himself killed. I won’t be just takin’ up space." She seems to be able to do everything, knows EVERY language in the 'Verse, which is not believable in the very least and she's a reader (and apparently also a genius).

So she can fight, pilot, cook, is nice to everyone, can speak dead languages and is a reader, like River. In fact, the biggest problem is not you having a Mary Sue in your story but that she came to take any usefulness River might have had on the crew. You said it yourself: the only reason why they were searching for a pilot was so River could go on jobs with them as she was a Reader, but it seems Rain is now doing even that much (according to your latest chapter) in addition to helping River control her abilities (which, in the Firefly show, is not an easy thing considering she had her amygdala stripped).

All in all, you created a perfect character (just because she has her inner demons does not mean she has a weakness) and have rendered River fairly useless as part of the crew. And I guess this is my main concern for your story. Aside from the fact that many people tend to have a terrible dislike of Mary Sues. No one is perfect. No one can do everything. And, apparently, in the Firefly universe, a Reader is not exactly born, but made (i.e. The Academy and all that happened to River).

I hope you don't take this as too harsh a critique or a flame. It isn't. But I wanted to let you know that you fell into the greatest mistake a writer can make, which is to write a Mary Sue.

I'd advise you to seriously revise your story, tone Rain down a LOT. I know you wanted a reason for her to be accepted in the crew - you might have made her the pilot instead of creating another character, her cousin, who, right now, seems to have had hardly any screentime and development. But that's me. You can continue your story as you wish.

Best wishes.

2/3/2006 c4 19jasadin
cool fic. sorry for just the one review.

write more

2/2/2006 c3 Kenderama
Very, very good. I can't wait for further chapters. :) One typo I noticed was in the line "“Now that I know, can I here the rest?” " - it should be HEAR the rest. Not a bit issue at all.

The only issue that didn't quite ring true to me was the sudden ease that the characters had trusting the newcomers. Just seemed rushed and a bit out of character, especially for the usually-serious-and-protective Mal.

1/30/2006 c3 15Yarrharr
i really like the sound of this! Rain seems like an interesting and dynamic character. I can't wait to read more!

1/25/2006 c1 Grace the Writer
huh... pretty good start. I think I'll keep my eye on this one... see where it goes.