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6/25/2007 c13 Prue X
I love it. Please continue asap.
2/21/2007 c1 5jesse1588
wow
5/24/2006 c13 1andrewhot
finally i though you stop write this story already. by the way nice chapter. i hope you made more story about bree/andrew and andrew/justin or all three of them. update soon.
5/23/2006 c13 12Exintaris
Good dramatic stuff. Thanks for your comment on my new Friends fic.
5/18/2006 c12 1andrewhot
Nice chapter, I hope you update new chapter soon .
3/25/2006 c1 Adreena
While I enjoyed reading this and I do think you are a talented writer (you have a great flow to your writing) I do think this story could be improved.

As you move away from the events of the show the characterisation does seem to waver plus I feel that you never truly capture the characters voices. Its on its way there but where is Lynette’s sarcasm and the Breeisms?

"How long has it been since you've seen her?"

Lynette was complaining- but this line is not really a complaint that implies childishness. Maybe asked anxiously or a note about concern would work better.

"We all know something's bugging you." –

while Lynette’s stubbornness here would she really say bugging? It’s rather insensitive considering it’s very obvious that Bree is still grieving. Lynette knows Bree well enough to know that considering selfish people like Gabby have already noticed in the pervious chapter. I also can’t help but think that Bree opens up too easily. If it all comes out that easily how the hell has she been holding it together for so long? She would defiantly not admit to needing help so easily remember this woman survives through a façade of perfection.

This made Lynette smile. She knew Bree wouldn't let her down.- while I love the trust and friendship implied with this line it also makes Lynette seem naïve and insensitive again. Bree is falling apart and not thinking clearly plus alcohol is an addiction while Bree may not want to let her friend down she may not be able to stop herself and Lynette should know this.

So, his mother had a drinking problem? That explained why she had been hitting the bottle alot and had been trying to hide it from him.- This line is a contradiction. It doesn’t feel like you understand him at all. If he knew she’d been drinking and trying to hide it then he knows she has a drinking problem. There is no revolution their for Andrew to have, he just sounds like an idiot. And what is his motivation or aim in the next chapter? I don’t seem to understand where he is coming from therefore it reads very messy.

dressed in the same old ragged clothes- come on Lynette has her pride. She may not have the best clothes but they are casual rather than rags.

Hmm not sure how realistic the doctors meeting is but this is fiction so we will let that slide.

George and I are just friends, and if she doesn't think that, well to hell with her!"- Bree wouldn’t think like that. She knows how dangerous her mother in law is especially after their last scene together.

"Hello? Phyllis? This is Bree Van De Kamp."- Wouldn’t she just say Bree? How many Bree’s does Phyllis know that she won’t recognise her daughter in laws voice? Plus her attempt at blackmail is poor. I can understand because Bree is falling apart but from her reaction to things like Rex’s affair I get the feeling that Bree succeeds when she’s cornered and desperate. She’s the type of person to go right for the throat if you drive her to it.

Also in this chapter what is it that Andrew wants? His not being horrible to his mother but his not coming across as sympathetic either.

"..I'm - your real father."- sure if he wasn’t freaked out enough as it was go ahead and blurt that gem out.

Edie listening through the window? That’s a little silly. Why would she be there unless her intent was not malicious? Edie may be blunt, upfront and tactless but she is in no way anything but a good person and very honest. She’d never lurk she would confront people. She would never spread Bree’s problems around anyway if she was likely too wouldn’t the whole neighbourhood know that Bree was having an affair with George? Not that she was having an affair but Edie believed she was, instead she talks to Bree about it in a very intelligent way.

"And she keeps something like this from me? Wow”- your Gabby is a spoilt twelve year old. I really don’t think she would be upset by Bree not telling her at all. She’s never been upset when other people’s secrets have come out in the series (and she’s the queen of keeping secrets making her a hypocrite). It was even Gabby that said to Bree that friends comfort you but a good friend will pretend nothing had ever happened (not exact quote but you get the idea) Of all people she understands the need to keep things from your friends.

When Bree is talking to George about slipping over she really, really over reacts. It’s too much and very out of character. Plus Andrew is off again.

I don’t want to pick apart your story. I read because I love Bree and these little points throughout the chapters annoyed and distracted me. Maybe you could spend a little longer on each chapter (reading the dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds like something the characters will say) also a beta reader would be handy as they would be able to point these things out. Sorry if I come across bitchy I only want to help you improve because I see a lot of potential, good luck :)
3/8/2006 c1 1Stormhold
very good story update soon
3/8/2006 c12 ohimalady
this is a very good very intriguing story please write more
3/5/2006 c12 Exintaris
Well written, though if Bree still has a drinking problem I would expect it to show - but maybe she would be better in George's company, the poor deluded woman. You now seem to be lagging behind the series as shown on Channel 4, but that's all to the good.

I liked Lynette and Edie.
2/19/2006 c1 xox annur xox
ah.. yes she has i mentioned that in an earlier chapter, but i totally forgot about it in this chapter. let's just say when she was hurrying to keep up with her she was still hobbling because of her broken leg. if that works.
2/17/2006 c9 Exintaris
Clearly Susan hasn't backed into Edie in your version of events!

Moving it along. (I, personally, can't wait for the dumb cops to figure out that someone else has a motive for poisoning Rex - they know he has a motive, for Heaven's sake. The tunnel vision thing)
2/17/2006 c8 Exintaris
A lot of people would say that if anyone has willpower, it's Bree! But in the circumstances ...

I don't think an American would say "I'm livid"; I think that is a Britishism. But I may be wrong. Nice tensions building up here, anyway.

Zach has not met Julie again yet? Because when he does, it will/should be clear he's not going to get anywhere, or not without a *considerable* change of heart on Julie's part, assuming she knows about what Zach did.
2/16/2006 c1 FuckThisImFaboulous
Awesome story just like the show in the begginig with of Mary Alice Young. Keep it awesome. Laterness
2/11/2006 c7 Exintaris
Ah - the way it should have gone, you think? Well, I think so too, really. Actually, as there is no sort of blood relationship, there would be nothing stopping Zach marrying Julie, except that he might have a sort of taboo feeling against it, and anyway she's not interested in him.

I can't stand it any longer: murm*u*red!
2/10/2006 c6 12Exintaris
Nice use of the note!
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