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for Erika

2/5/2006 c1 Black Fox

~Black Fox~

2/5/2006 c1 7Rivkah Ohros
2/4/2006 c1 98Kanthia

Kanthia has some constructive critisism. You have an interesting piece of fiction, but Erika is too Sue-ish for most readers.

Here are some Sue-ish tendancies that Erika has:

Quote: “Stop playing your games, you fools!” a feminine voice called out from behind the crowd."

Sues tend to have the magical ability to stop confrontation even though nobody in the Great Age of Pirates listens to a woman.

Quote: "They spun around to see a tall, thin girl dressing in a black cloak with long black hair and a white mask covering her entire face standing there. Two amber eyes glared out from behind the mask, causing fear to run through the crowd of pirates."

This is bad news. Tall and thin are two of the most prominent Sue features; black as well because many Sue authoresses feel it adds mystery. The mask is Sue-ish and also Naruto-ish (these are pirates, not ninjas), and for the sake of Piper's Pickles the eyes have got to go. Your character is made up of one hundred per cent generic Sue qualities. Eyes convey feeling, but Sues seem to have the ability to magically enhance that (and never do they ever use their noses or ears to give the same effect, Kanthia has noticed). Also, you haven't given her any bad qualities, which makes her seem really shallow because she's so one-sided. Does she scratch her ears? Does she have a bald patch in her lovely, raven hair?

Quote: “It’s Erika!” one of them cried and they all scampered like children who were afraid of being punished."

Unlikely, unless it's Sue on the scene. Grown men (especially pirates) don't act like children under any circumstances.

Quote: “That’s right! Run like the cowards you are!” she yelled after them. She looked to Zolo and the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates. “I apologize for whatever inconvenience they may have caused you. They have been terrorizing this town for the past few months. I seem to be the only one that they are truly afraid of.”

Nice, how Zoro is the focus of attention here. No. Also, her speech is extremely non-One Piece-ish, if you understand what Kanthia means. And Sues love being 'The Only One', so Kanthia suggests you change that.

Quote: “Because I can kill them all if I wanted to,” she said simply. “It would take little to no effort on my part to do so.”

Cockiness like this isn't a negative trait, because Kanthia is guessing you mean for it to be true. Besides, only a Mary-Sue is that strong. At this point, Kanthia was also a little confused- shouldn't her voice be muffled a little under the mask? (And her speech is quite Sue-ish. Most people Sue's age in One Piece don't have a very good education, Robin being the only exception Kanthia can think of right now and she is twenty-eight).

Quote: "She looked up at the sun for a moment to check the time."

Sues often have random abilities to use the sun to check for time, or gauge the wind for distant smells and people. Though this ability might be common in One Piece, it is really starting to get over-the-top with Mary-Sue here.

Quote: “I must be going. Au revoir.”

Mysterious Sue does what she wants, comes and goes et cetera without mistakes or accidental release of information. You make your character almost inhumanly cold and Sue-ish. And no, despite the fact that 4Shame gave Mihawk a fake French accent in the dub, there is NO French is One Piece. NO FRENCH. French doesn't exist. There is no French. Sue always seems to be able to speak languages like French in fiction, and it's not cool because your fiction is not AU.

Quote: “She turned to walk away, but Zolo grabbed her arm to stop her.”

A large problem with Sue fiction is that canon characters are OOC. Such is the example of Zoro that you have here. The only time Zoro did this (correct Kanthia if she is wrong) is at Logue Town with Tashigi, and if he didn’t do it there then he didn’t do it at all. Zoro doesn’t go for things like grabbing arms of girls he just met and doesn’t care about; in fact, he’d probably be relieved that the weird tall skinny girl in the cape was leaving them.

Quote: “In a fraction of a second, she had Zolo on the ground with the end of a rapier pointing at his throat. “Never touch me,” she hissed. The others were stunned.”

This is absolutely inexcusable, and the apex of most, if not all, Sue fiction: unbelievable overpowered-ness. Zoro is a holy terror feared by most of East Blue. He trains to the brink of destroying his body every day. He promised after his defeat to Mihawk, sitting in a pool of his own blood and guts that he would never lose again. This should not be an exception. A fraction of a second is a cliché literary term inappropriate in this circumstance; rapiers probably do not exist in the One Piece world. They were created primarily as a form of more honourable and less dangerous swordplay more for show than for killing. Pirates don’t give a crap about things like honour and good shows. As for the others, as with most Sue fics, you persistently group them together with Zoro separate. This isn’t good. The ‘never touch me’ bit is overused and Sue-ish, the others being stunned is even moreso (can you imagine Luffy stunned? Can you imagine Zoro losing? No, because these things don’t work).

Quote: “How did you do that?” Luffy asked, mystified. She has to join my crew, he thought.”

This doesn’t hold water, because you’ve gotten Luffy out of character. He might ask her how she managed to beat up Zoro like that, but not in a mystified sort of way. Luffy doesn’t get mystified because nothing is beyond him. He’d probably get all excited and attach himself to Sue’s back, depending on how tall she is (tall, for most Sues, is in the upwards of 5’8” which is a little shorter than Luffy. But some Sues find themselves teetering at over seven feet which is plain old hilarious). And Luffy doesn’t go around thinking about people he wants to join his crew after just meeting them.

Actually, scratch that and think logically. The Straw Hats have just entered a town. They’re having fun with some pirates when a tall, ominous girl in all black with a white mask comes and scares them off, and then proceeds to beat the crap out of Zoro. What the cookies do you think Luffy would do? Like hell he would think about letting her join his crew! He’d probably beat the living crap out of her for hurting his nakama!

Quote: “Zolo climbed of the ground and stared after her.”

Firstly, it’s off the ground, not of the ground. Secondly, Zoro doesn’t stare after woman. Any woman.

Quote: “The way she had moved—so quickly and so gracefully—was eerie.”

Hells no. This is Sue to the max. Zoro would never, ever think positively about someone who had just beaten him. Think about the way he thinks about Mihawk. He probably doesn’t have a word like eerie in his vocabulary, either, because Zoro doesn’t get scared. Besides, it’s a common Sue trait to be able to move ‘quickly and gracefully’; and even quick and graceful doesn’t match up to Zoro’s ownage. If you notice the way he moves, he moves ‘so quickly and so gracefully’ as well.

Quote: “I’d better remember that name.”

This could work, with a bit more extrapolation. The only time Zoro remembers names is when it’s the name of a bitch he has to beat up (which most Sues are).

Quote: “Because she’s gonna join our crew! Wasn’t it so cool how those pirates ran at the sight of her! Wow!”


Quote: “She may be a better swordsman than I am.”

Hells freaking no squared. NOBODY IS A BETTER SWORDSMAN THAN ZORO. Not even Sue. Zoro doesn’t acknowledge that somebody might be a better swordsman than him, because he’s too cocky to even think about things like that. So many Sues seem to be amazing swordsmen, but unfortunately (and not to be sexist, of course; just making a point), male swordsmen are better than female swordsmen. As Kanthia mentioned before, Zoro trains like an animal. Sue, who is a musician, a student of French and a rapier-user, wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance at touching Zoro. Zoro knows this.

Quote: “I need to challenge her and find out for sure.”

No, because Zoro doesn’t ‘challenge her’ or ‘find out for sure’. Think about Tashigi. He doesn’t obsess about finding her and challenging her again because it’s not worth wasting his time.

Quote: “…the shadow of a house.”

A dark alleyway? Oh, lovely Mysterious Sue.

Quote: “Especially Roronoa Zolo.”

Aw, mentioning the love again. No.

That’s about it. Kanthia skipped a couple, because it was starting to get a little repetitive. To make a final statement, you’ve made some serious other Sue mistakes here: example, naming the fiction after your Mary-Sue. This is intolerable, and a perfect example of what Sue authoresses seem to do unwaveringly. Give it a more interesting, innovative name, like “To Defeat Her” or “Smouldering Eyes Behind the Mask” (even though these are Sue titles, so never mind. Ah…try “First Loss”, referring to Zoro’s first loss since Mihawk). And it’s a really bad idea to make Erika-Sue a musician. If she’s not, Kanthia apologizes, but considering you mentioned musician-finding earlier on it’s sort of obvious. Take a look at the One Piece fiction section, and you’ll find Musician Sue after Musician Sue. It’s supposed to be a running gag that the Straw Hats will never find a musician.

You show promise, but all you’ve really produced here is a boring, generic Sue. Sues are a good start. Kanthia’s first piece of fiction was also a musician Sue- a lot of really good One Piece fiction writers (not Kanthia, who still stinks e-e) got their start with overpowered musician Sues. And believe Kanthia, it took a review very similar to this one to get her out of a Sue rut. I’d really like to see some better works by you in the future.

And, of course, if this is supposed to be a Sue Parody, you are the goddess of Sue parodies (but you might want to put that in the description ^-^)

Sues are good for development of your own character. They really show what your inner hopes, dreams and desires are- for you, Zoro, to be classy and French, et cetera. For Kanthia whose Sue was a little underfed slave it meant Ace, to be petite and skinny and cute et cetera. The problem with this is that the internet is not a good place to publish your hopes and desires. Keep this Sue, whether or not you choose to delete it off or if you add any more chapters, because it’s a good thing to look back to and remember who you were.

Good luck!

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