for Broken Images3/18/2006 c4 
86Serah Villiers
I liked this quite a lot, but it was definitely a bit on the irritating side to read.
Your scene's had nothing to break them apart. One moment we're with Harley and Shuichi and suddenly Hiro starts talking. I had to stop reading, breaking the flow completely, and try to work out if I had missed something drastic here. But it was a scene change. Readers don't want to have to try and puzzle out when a scene has changed; just a simple line will suffice, but it's nice to have it.
Spelling/grammar was good with one exception. In chapter three, right near the start the line:
'Slumped against a slimy brick wall. Stinging knees. Someone else was kneeling before him. Light fingertips brushing his check'
The word 'check' at the end should be 'cheek'. That really caught my eye, and during the serious scene I almost found myself laughing. other than that, it was great, though.
Nice story, with just a couple of things that can be easily changed to make the fic more enjoyable and easier to understand. Keep up the great work; Gravitation angst rocks!
-Rin
86Serah VilliersI liked this quite a lot, but it was definitely a bit on the irritating side to read.
Your scene's had nothing to break them apart. One moment we're with Harley and Shuichi and suddenly Hiro starts talking. I had to stop reading, breaking the flow completely, and try to work out if I had missed something drastic here. But it was a scene change. Readers don't want to have to try and puzzle out when a scene has changed; just a simple line will suffice, but it's nice to have it.
Spelling/grammar was good with one exception. In chapter three, right near the start the line:
'Slumped against a slimy brick wall. Stinging knees. Someone else was kneeling before him. Light fingertips brushing his check'
The word 'check' at the end should be 'cheek'. That really caught my eye, and during the serious scene I almost found myself laughing. other than that, it was great, though.
Nice story, with just a couple of things that can be easily changed to make the fic more enjoyable and easier to understand. Keep up the great work; Gravitation angst rocks!
-Rin
2/21/2006 c2 Kayla05
I am so utterly confused. Your scene shifts need some serious work. Other than, I'll keep reading.
I am so utterly confused. Your scene shifts need some serious work. Other than, I'll keep reading.
2/15/2006 c2 115YaoiSongstress07
This holds the aroma of intrigue about it, like a bewitching mystery. The first entry carried a dark, vicious tone about it...and the second chapter strenghtened the suspense. You're doing an amazing job so far.
115YaoiSongstress07This holds the aroma of intrigue about it, like a bewitching mystery. The first entry carried a dark, vicious tone about it...and the second chapter strenghtened the suspense. You're doing an amazing job so far.
2/14/2006 c2 3Chaos-Is-My-Love
I like it! it's awesome. I don't know much about Gravitation so i'm a little confused, but then again i've always loved your stories. :P
3Chaos-Is-My-LoveI like it! it's awesome. I don't know much about Gravitation so i'm a little confused, but then again i've always loved your stories. :P