for Johnny and Lilium, Life and Death situations6/22/2007 c3 Arcs-En-Ciel
“Okay, just don’t take too long.” Johnny said kissing Lilium on the cheek
Oh god. Oh bloody GOD. I could name SO many things wrong with that line. -takes a deep breath-
OOC MUCH?
Though I do rather appreciate the punctuation and so forth, this story screamed Mary-Sue.
“You cause me happiness. I have a question; will you go out with me?” Johnny asked hugging Lilium and Squee at the same time.
What the fuck. D: Words cannot express how I feel about this line. In fact-
On second thought, I'll stop myself. But seriously, wtf?
“Okay, just don’t take too long.” Johnny said kissing Lilium on the cheek
Oh god. Oh bloody GOD. I could name SO many things wrong with that line. -takes a deep breath-
OOC MUCH?
Though I do rather appreciate the punctuation and so forth, this story screamed Mary-Sue.
“You cause me happiness. I have a question; will you go out with me?” Johnny asked hugging Lilium and Squee at the same time.
What the fuck. D: Words cannot express how I feel about this line. In fact-
On second thought, I'll stop myself. But seriously, wtf?
8/15/2006 c9 
2Pirate Shinju
Not a bad plot, but it was a little rushed and your writing style needs to mature a bit.
2Pirate ShinjuNot a bad plot, but it was a little rushed and your writing style needs to mature a bit.
8/11/2006 c5 8Eddi Delaney
Dude. That is the most random OOC love story ever. _ I hate it. But... it's so well written! I... MUST RESIST! GAGH! *chokes and collapses writhing on the floor* Yeh... I'll keep reading...
8Eddi DelaneyDude. That is the most random OOC love story ever. _ I hate it. But... it's so well written! I... MUST RESIST! GAGH! *chokes and collapses writhing on the floor* Yeh... I'll keep reading...
5/29/2006 c9 65Amanita Jackson
um...yeah, i agree with what the other people said so far...
one thing you might want to try would be to make the dialogue more smooth and more like actual talking
frankly, this came off as a mary-sue.
65Amanita Jacksonum...yeah, i agree with what the other people said so far...
one thing you might want to try would be to make the dialogue more smooth and more like actual talking
frankly, this came off as a mary-sue.
5/23/2006 c1 12LoveBlink182
Alright. Where to start...
It's scattered, very hard to understand. Emotions seem to run electronically, as though you're flicking various switches to turn them on and off. As mechanical as some people can be, I'd like to think that no one takes it to this level. Todd is with two d's. Minor spelling and gramatical errors, which can be improved. Character development lacks. Thought sequences are hard to read. Johnny would be significantly more suspicious, cautious, and angry than you're portraying him as. A bit out of character. I doubt he'd go gallabanting off with a random stranger, trust is an issue with Mr. C.
Hm. What else. The plot is ok. A bit cliche. Which is not an insulting thing. Just a bit typical of a person between the ages of 11 and 15. By the time one turns 16, the realization that rebellious little thoughts and stories like this are nice to think about but futile to attempt. You'll grow out of it.
And setting is hard to tell when and where everything is happening. More description.
I don't mean to seem harsh. I'm just trying to help. Don't hate me! *pout*...Ok enough of that.
12LoveBlink182Alright. Where to start...
It's scattered, very hard to understand. Emotions seem to run electronically, as though you're flicking various switches to turn them on and off. As mechanical as some people can be, I'd like to think that no one takes it to this level. Todd is with two d's. Minor spelling and gramatical errors, which can be improved. Character development lacks. Thought sequences are hard to read. Johnny would be significantly more suspicious, cautious, and angry than you're portraying him as. A bit out of character. I doubt he'd go gallabanting off with a random stranger, trust is an issue with Mr. C.
Hm. What else. The plot is ok. A bit cliche. Which is not an insulting thing. Just a bit typical of a person between the ages of 11 and 15. By the time one turns 16, the realization that rebellious little thoughts and stories like this are nice to think about but futile to attempt. You'll grow out of it.
And setting is hard to tell when and where everything is happening. More description.
I don't mean to seem harsh. I'm just trying to help. Don't hate me! *pout*...Ok enough of that.
5/18/2006 c8 7HyperCosmo
Well, this story was ok. But Nny's personality didn't really fit. Nny goes through his whole life trying not to be touched or in love, he wouldn't just "love" someone straight away let alone live with them. Squee's teddy is Shmee not Schmee. You could explain things a little bit more like what the fanfiction character's description. I really had no idea what Lilium looked like. But other than that, it was a pretty ok story.
Just some feedback for later tiz all. :)
Mer
7HyperCosmoWell, this story was ok. But Nny's personality didn't really fit. Nny goes through his whole life trying not to be touched or in love, he wouldn't just "love" someone straight away let alone live with them. Squee's teddy is Shmee not Schmee. You could explain things a little bit more like what the fanfiction character's description. I really had no idea what Lilium looked like. But other than that, it was a pretty ok story.
Just some feedback for later tiz all. :)
Mer
5/10/2006 c7 10onlytomriddle
that's actually kinda funny. so when's the real NNY gonna come into the story, now that his evil/nice twin is dead? you should, like, start the next chapter with the real NNY somewhere entirely different, and he reads in the newspaper about these people who have similar names to people he knows. lol
it's spelled "Shmee", by the way. not "Schmee". unless that's not the real Squee either. i think he's in character, or at least more than Johnny's capable-of-loving-emotion twin over there.
10onlytomriddlethat's actually kinda funny. so when's the real NNY gonna come into the story, now that his evil/nice twin is dead? you should, like, start the next chapter with the real NNY somewhere entirely different, and he reads in the newspaper about these people who have similar names to people he knows. lol
it's spelled "Shmee", by the way. not "Schmee". unless that's not the real Squee either. i think he's in character, or at least more than Johnny's capable-of-loving-emotion twin over there.
5/6/2006 c1 8python is good
erm I agree with what tomriddle said. Pretty please try to add a lot more detail and set up..yeah?
8python is gooderm I agree with what tomriddle said. Pretty please try to add a lot more detail and set up..yeah?
4/23/2006 c5 10onlytomriddle
what? how did that happen? hm... i guess you can get away with that stuff if there's no characterization to contradict it... the mechanics were fairly bearable, but the style could use some...flavor. you know, description, motives, the occasional reminder of where we are, etc.
but i read it.
that's about it.
oh wait, do try and make the characters believable, will you?
10onlytomriddlewhat? how did that happen? hm... i guess you can get away with that stuff if there's no characterization to contradict it... the mechanics were fairly bearable, but the style could use some...flavor. you know, description, motives, the occasional reminder of where we are, etc.
but i read it.
that's about it.
oh wait, do try and make the characters believable, will you?