for A Father's Love7/11/2006 c6 
24Silwyna
Nice chapter again. I like that Kara seems to be the only good thing in Lee's life right now. He really is under a lot of pressure. I just wish he had let her help him at the end of the chapter instead of pushing her away. But you're right - they do tend to do that a lot on the show. ;)
24SilwynaNice chapter again. I like that Kara seems to be the only good thing in Lee's life right now. He really is under a lot of pressure. I just wish he had let her help him at the end of the chapter instead of pushing her away. But you're right - they do tend to do that a lot on the show. ;)
6/8/2006 c4 Silwyna
I really like this story, I just wish you wouldn't rush so fast from one scene to the next. You have some really interesting ideas and I hope to read more soon.
I really like this story, I just wish you wouldn't rush so fast from one scene to the next. You have some really interesting ideas and I hope to read more soon.
5/29/2006 c4 14Ammonite
Hope you are finished with your projects. Like your story. You have some interesting ideas, but tend to rush things a bit. Especially the scene with Kara. I agree with Yannik - a person's mood does not change that quickly. Try to remember who these characters are and get into their heads. A plot device only works so far as the characters are real - stay within their personas - as they behave within it. Let the reader anticipate a little - don't jump into things so fast. Tease us. You are doing this with - what happened to Lee? You could have done it with him and Kara, too. Of course, it's always your right to ignore all this.
14AmmoniteHope you are finished with your projects. Like your story. You have some interesting ideas, but tend to rush things a bit. Especially the scene with Kara. I agree with Yannik - a person's mood does not change that quickly. Try to remember who these characters are and get into their heads. A plot device only works so far as the characters are real - stay within their personas - as they behave within it. Let the reader anticipate a little - don't jump into things so fast. Tease us. You are doing this with - what happened to Lee? You could have done it with him and Kara, too. Of course, it's always your right to ignore all this.
5/14/2006 c4 14Airam4u
I found Lee's secret to be very true and a source of a little bit more plot. Keep up the good work!
14Airam4uI found Lee's secret to be very true and a source of a little bit more plot. Keep up the good work!
5/10/2006 c4 22eveningspirit1
You encourage people to tell you what they didn't like in your story, and I'm going to use that opportunity - just to be constructive.
I don't know what your aspirations are - if you just want to share something that crossed your mind, then ignore everything that comes after that: you have imagination, and some interesting ideas - few of them used in other stories, and some - quite new. There isn't much stories about Lee and Laura's friendship, and it used to be a valuable part of the show.
But if you want to evolve as a writer, you have a lot of work to do. First - "cloud nine" should be "Cloud Nine" - it's a name. Second - actions and dialogue are rushed, do not carry any emotional baggage. Characterisation might need some improvement as well. For example Lee who walks the corridors of the ship, because he can't sleep after a nightmare, is suddenly all horny and kissy, when seeing Kara? Not likely. Try to imagine it happened to you, and then write.
Okay, that would be all for constructive crit. I hope it helps. If it annoys you, just throw it out the window, and don't worry. After all - it's only fanfiction, everybody can do what they want... Can they?
22eveningspirit1You encourage people to tell you what they didn't like in your story, and I'm going to use that opportunity - just to be constructive.
I don't know what your aspirations are - if you just want to share something that crossed your mind, then ignore everything that comes after that: you have imagination, and some interesting ideas - few of them used in other stories, and some - quite new. There isn't much stories about Lee and Laura's friendship, and it used to be a valuable part of the show.
But if you want to evolve as a writer, you have a lot of work to do. First - "cloud nine" should be "Cloud Nine" - it's a name. Second - actions and dialogue are rushed, do not carry any emotional baggage. Characterisation might need some improvement as well. For example Lee who walks the corridors of the ship, because he can't sleep after a nightmare, is suddenly all horny and kissy, when seeing Kara? Not likely. Try to imagine it happened to you, and then write.
Okay, that would be all for constructive crit. I hope it helps. If it annoys you, just throw it out the window, and don't worry. After all - it's only fanfiction, everybody can do what they want... Can they?
5/9/2006 c4 14gray03
Enjoyed the Bill/Lee argument, though I'm not quite sure the characterization was on. Both made valid points and it was pretty well done. Some parts still seemed slightly rushed but over all are good.
14gray03Enjoyed the Bill/Lee argument, though I'm not quite sure the characterization was on. Both made valid points and it was pretty well done. Some parts still seemed slightly rushed but over all are good.
5/7/2006 c2 1larathejock
Oh, not Lee/Laura. Too big an age diference. Lee/Kara...once Anders dies and Dee finds a new hott-young-victim. BILL/LAURA!
1larathejockOh, not Lee/Laura. Too big an age diference. Lee/Kara...once Anders dies and Dee finds a new hott-young-victim. BILL/LAURA!
5/7/2006 c3 moira4eku
Poor Lee! He really lost it with his father. I hope Bill can talk to Lee without a thermal nuclear melton (by either one of them!). Now get to the next chapter, missy!
Poor Lee! He really lost it with his father. I hope Bill can talk to Lee without a thermal nuclear melton (by either one of them!). Now get to the next chapter, missy!
5/7/2006 c3 110stardust2002
Great confrontation. That's what I was looking for - a little father/son angst. I love the Adama/Lee relationship and how complex it is - the poor boy is stuck between a rock and a hard place in his two roles and with his past with his father, it just makes relating to him difficult.
Definitely looking forward to seeing what the cylons did.
110stardust2002Great confrontation. That's what I was looking for - a little father/son angst. I love the Adama/Lee relationship and how complex it is - the poor boy is stuck between a rock and a hard place in his two roles and with his past with his father, it just makes relating to him difficult.
Definitely looking forward to seeing what the cylons did.
5/6/2006 c2 14gray03
Still going pretty well though parts seemed a bit choppy and rushed. Looking forward to more.
14gray03Still going pretty well though parts seemed a bit choppy and rushed. Looking forward to more.
5/6/2006 c2 1Clarks Blue Eyed Angel
Good story, I'm very interested to see where it's going!
As for voting... Laura is old enough to be Lee's mother! Yuck! She and Adama have a very nice chemistry, that kiss in Res Ship II was sweet! They should be together!
And Lee should be with Kara! So if you wanna write that into your story... I wouldn't complain! ;-)
1Clarks Blue Eyed AngelGood story, I'm very interested to see where it's going!
As for voting... Laura is old enough to be Lee's mother! Yuck! She and Adama have a very nice chemistry, that kiss in Res Ship II was sweet! They should be together!
And Lee should be with Kara! So if you wanna write that into your story... I wouldn't complain! ;-)
5/6/2006 c1 lidarose13
Make it Bill and Laura please, that's my main area of reading interest and always looking for stories that include them.
Kindest regards,
ljd
Make it Bill and Laura please, that's my main area of reading interest and always looking for stories that include them.
Kindest regards,
ljd
5/6/2006 c2 2laurie31
Please do wirte chapter 3 - I want to know what the cylons did to Lee! Also, here's another vote for Bill/Laura instead of Lee/Laura.
2laurie31Please do wirte chapter 3 - I want to know what the cylons did to Lee! Also, here's another vote for Bill/Laura instead of Lee/Laura.
5/6/2006 c2 110stardust2002
Well, I have to say I liked the premise of the story, but the little 'stories' from your friend at the end were rather .. not fitting in the spirit of the show.
And as for voting - I don't like that idea. You're supposed to be writing this story because it's a story YOU feel needs to be written. It shouldn't be dictated by the readers deciding which 'ship they'd prefer. It reminds me of the stories I used to read when I was about 8 - the 'choose your own ending' ones. They're lame. And this will be too if you go with public opinion and don't write what you want.
Please, do continue the story but focus on the plotline of how Adama and Lee react to each other when they finally meet up. It makes a very interesting 'what if' proposition. So does the Adama/Roslin confrontation that would happen given your setup. Write from your heart and people will enjoy regardless of what it is.
110stardust2002Well, I have to say I liked the premise of the story, but the little 'stories' from your friend at the end were rather .. not fitting in the spirit of the show.
And as for voting - I don't like that idea. You're supposed to be writing this story because it's a story YOU feel needs to be written. It shouldn't be dictated by the readers deciding which 'ship they'd prefer. It reminds me of the stories I used to read when I was about 8 - the 'choose your own ending' ones. They're lame. And this will be too if you go with public opinion and don't write what you want.
Please, do continue the story but focus on the plotline of how Adama and Lee react to each other when they finally meet up. It makes a very interesting 'what if' proposition. So does the Adama/Roslin confrontation that would happen given your setup. Write from your heart and people will enjoy regardless of what it is.