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1/14/2018 c2 MorrieMoon
Excellent love it Will there be anymore What did the Stuck up Lord Holder's son get A green maybe?
4/15/2014 c2 LunaChas
Brilliant about time
1/10/2010 c1 8dinopoodle
Well, I always wondered if that might happen. Good job, and do not put yourself down. Keep writing.
11/18/2007 c1 Liadeth
Don't dragons names always end with 'th'? So really the little queens name would be Merenth. Just a bit of something that might add a more realistic touch to this story. Love it though.
6/3/2007 c1 1fred27
People, people, people! First, it is wonderful that many of you take Anne McCaffrey's works so seriously, but you are forgetting the reason for this forum: to write on one’s favorite topic as one sees fit.

Your corrections and suggestions on how the writer may improve are admirable and spot on. However, your prejudiced against the writer when it comes to the development of his/her ideas shows your intolerance for creativity and the writing medium. Anne would not approve.

I find it rude and unrealistic to tell a person that he/she broke canon in this medium. If the person followed all the “does and don’t” given by the readers, it would no longer be his/her story, but something that was dictated by the reader or by McCaffrey's canon. This is not true writing, but a form of censorship.

I have met Anne McCaffrey, whom I greatly admire on several occasions. McCaffrey and her son own the dragon world. The author explained why dragon riders were not criminals, why there are no twin eggs, etc. This she can do because Pern is her paradise. She made the rules, and when she is writing she applies those rules.

The advantage is that there is canon. The disadvantages are that McCaffrey’s writing is no longer applicable to modern times, because she refuses to integrate many modern ideas into her prose. That is her right as a writer

However, this forum is our paradise. A writer should be able to post his/her work and get critique, but not be bombarded with accusations of being disloyal to the subject because the idea went against canon, which was the catalyst for this forum in the first place.

I would have thought fans of McCaffrey would be more understanding. McCaffrey said that she was very flattered with all the fan fic based on her work. I think we should show some of the same good manners toward people on these boards.

For the people who think that the man will have a hard time finding a mate: Canon states that there have always been gay relationships within the dragon riders. Although it is unusual for a gold to be lesbian or gay, the possibility is there. Likewise, just because a gold dragon mates with a rider of bronze or brown (there is also a possibility of a green or blue) does not mean that the gold’s rider has to mate with the rider of the bronze/brown. This would be disrespect of the right of the riders, despite animal instincts. Along with the drudges of Pern being legalized slavery, it is one of the many problems McCaffrey has with her writing that she chooses to gloss over.

Grammar: C- needs to be improved. Originality/theme: Grade A you did something McCaffrey’s publicist would never allow because of the young audience. Narration: B- ( a bit rocky). Overall Grade: B. Keep up the good work and ignore most of what is written about your story. You are better than you think.
4/26/2007 c2 Fia
*grin* I like this story. I hate canon. Good job.
2/5/2007 c2 2Rimmersworld

Thats gonna be a pain in the butt one day!

well he cant be called a weyrwoman, perhaps a "weyrman"

or will he be Queen Weyrleader?

Kinda feel weird reading it.
1/14/2007 c1 non
I think this is the start to a very interesting fanfic which i look forword to reading more of.
1/8/2007 c2 4truegold-dragonstar
I have no problem with you breaking canon. It's not my thing, but if you want to do it, fine. Having said that, your story has a basically interesting premise but it needs a lot of work done.

It's probably a hangover from when this was going to be a oneshot, but the first couple of chapters can be quite confusing. You're jumping around times, then there's a whole chunk missing from chap 2 (because you've already had it in chap 1)... all this stuff is fine in moderation, but be careful overusing these techniques or your readers will get confused and fed up.

Also, SLOW DOWN. Your chapters are both really short, but quite a lot seems to happen. What can your characters see, what can they hear, what are the smells, is it hot, cold, morning, afternoon, is it light, dark, are they in a big room or a small one... see what I mean? The questions about things you haven't told me are endless.

I think it's interesting that Rusva's albino - well, it figures that for such a wierd Impression you'd have an unusual hero - but I have to say I think this is the ONLY interesting thing I learnt about any of the characters! Sorry, but you really need to pay attention to peripheral characters and what your readers know/observe about them. Baranil, for instance - what do you actually show us about him. We don't know WHY he shouts all the time, or what he looks like, his motivations...

And one last thing: Lessa. Of course, it's fine, even good, to use Anne McCaffrey's established characters - but make sure you use them right! Lessa's a very strong and determined person with a LOT of personality. Why can't I tell this from your story?

On re-reading what I just said, I feel I've been quite harsh on you. Sorry. I didn't really mean to be. I think this is a story with a lot of potential, and I would really like to see how things turn out for Rusva and Merenth. Good luck!

12/30/2006 c2 VoodooWeasel
Honestly, your story really annoyed me. It just seems like you wrote it to go, "Look ma, I broke canon!". Yea. Good for you. Now please focus on slowing down and writing out a decent story out of this start.
12/29/2006 c2 Suika
arrogant, very arrogant.
12/29/2006 c2 GinaLee
Interesting idea - please write more!
12/19/2006 c2 32astrokath
Wow. What an arrogant authors note. You don't see them like that every day.

Anyway, yes, we're allowed to break canon if we wish. But I'd strongly dispute the point that *all* fanfic breaks canon. Where canon is absent (e.g. where one attempts to fill in the gaps between books, or to watch events unfold from an alternative POV), it's perfectly possible to write fanfic that remains fully compatible with the established canon. Of course, when you make minor changes, yes, you're not sticking to canon. You can't, by definition. But you don't /need/ to discard every last scrap of it - your "what if" scenarios become a lot more plausible if you stick as close to it as you can in every other respect.

Okay, on to the con-crit. Watch your capitalisation of things like "Green rider" and "brown rider". Either option works, but not both in the same sentence.

Hm... how long is his hair? You describe it as spilling onto the bed a little way before you show him stretching and falling back on the bed. Okay, he could have been lying down, then sat up to stretch. But it's unclear, and I'm left not knowing whether his hair is waist-long, or if there are large gaps in your descriptions of his actions.

Another note - the weyrbred generally don't need to be searched. They're told when they're old enough to stand, and when they're too old, but between those two events they get as many chances as there are clutches, without needing to be officially searched again.

"But the red eyes young man" - But the red eyed young man

"He doubted he could endure that." Wow. Given that queens generally go for fairly determined women, you seem to be making him less plausible as an acceptable queen candidate, not more!

Watch your punctuation around dialogue.

“Shut up, Baranil.” Was all... - “Shut up, Baranil,” was all...

...and watch the capitalisation/punctuation for "Lord Holder's son" and "dragon".

If you're going to use em-dashes as parenthetical pauses, make sure you have one on each side of the clause, rather than one dash and one comma. Right now, you're saying that they'll be rankless if they impress, which is the exact opposite of what you meant!

"...indignation, or, at least... " Ditch the "or," - it's unneccessary, and makes this phrase overly clunky.

"His day was..." I really hate new paragraphs beginning with "This" or "His"... anything which refers back to the subject of a previous paragraph without any clear reference to the subject. Why do I hate it? Because my co-authors/proof-readers/editors have beaten the same habit out of *me* over the past five years! You're allowed to be more specific. Of course, now that I've stopped glaring at the actual choice of words, I'm struck by the context/content. WHAT is he doing? A weyr brat's usual chores don't need to be rushed just because the eggs might hatch that day or the day after. BUT, if he's helping prepare for all the other activities around a hatching, e.g. preparing the feast in the kitchens, slaughtering/butchering herdbeasts for the hatchlings, making up guest beds in dis-used caverns etc, then yes, that would need to be done swiftly. This is an opportunity for you to add detail, background colour, all those things that add to the meatiness of a story. Right now it's all very vague, and doesn't necessarily make sense.

"fallen to sleep" - fallen asleep, surely.

"He glanced out the window." A window? In Benden Weyr's lower caverns? And you think the weyr sends cleaners round a candidate's rooms, assuming he isn't just in a dormitory?

Oh well. Look, I don't have a problem with male gold impressions. My problems are with virtually every other aspect of this story. Your writing isn't too bad, but I think you could do a lot better.
12/19/2006 c1 astrokath
A few notes:

Humming/crooning takes place for a while before the eggs hatch, and for every canon hatching we're shown, certainly begins well before the candidates are led in. And the queen candidates are not brought in at any particular stage later on in the proceedings. In _Dragonflight_, we see them being brought in by bronzes rather than walking in on foot, but that's simply because they're there for the more prestigious egg, and because dainty holders daughters seemingly can't be expected to walk from A to B without getting lost. Okay, so you want some plausible mechanism to explain why the queen Impresses to a lad... but look at how long Heth waited without Impression until Keevan appeared. Without a suitable partner on the sands, dragonets will suicide, or impress from the stands. If your lad is a suitable partner for the gold, the presence of the girls wouldn't stop him impressing. If he's not so ideal, the gold wouldn't impress him so swiftly.

There's nothing wrong with writing alternative impression fanfics - please don't think I'm saying that. But you could be more judicious over which elements of canon you keep, and which you discard - right now, you're at risk of throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Final point - I see that you meant to name her Merenth. So why hasn't it been fixed yet? Try using the story editing facilities, particularly the one that involves exporting this chapter, and editing it appropriately.
12/14/2006 c2 27PernDragonrider
Wow, I have to say that I'm enjoying this tale. And you are correct every fanfiction writer, no matter how faithful to the original breaks canon with every word they put to paper, computer, or record.

Keep braking canon with this tale and I really cannot wait to see where it eventually ends up.

Pern (an avid Dragonrider's reader as you can tell by my penname)
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