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10/27/2006 c1 7Ariel Lenore
AWE.

what a forceful first kiss!

My suggestion would be to take out the "(Brians POV)" and the "(Flashback)" bits.

Move the After-The-flashback to the begining and make it seem like yay-everything-is-so-happy... and then hit the reader with I-saw-her-kiss-the-dork! scene - maybe add how angry he is at Edd, or Marie, or feels betrayed or something, and then make some claim about either himself, another person, or the situation (like how he is going to take care of it), that will keep the reader eager for more!
6/2/2006 c1 5T. C. Gander
Tell more about Brian. You need a longer story.

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