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1/31/2018 c1 linda
Good story but you really need a proof reader the spelling is awful
4/29/2011 c1 Laurie
good story, love SAS, thanks
6/26/2009 c1 Fran
hey there, This is a very interesting story with a pretty cool idea. There are a couple of things I would have to say though, one is that the story seemed to move to quickly, things happened bam bam bam right after each other almost predictably, but you'll be able to develop your style more with more practice. :D over all you're doing really well. The only other thing that I would comment on is that, Adam was shot near the heart and survived and Tara was shot in the stomach and didn't..and she died really quickly...I think that's a bit unrealistic for that bit of the story. Other than that, great story and keep up the good writing :D.
8/28/2006 c1 15I'm The Night Writer
Great story! Adam is a great character!
8/5/2006 c1 1angry penguin
Poor Adam. It was good.
7/31/2006 c1 The Detrator

First - You clearly have story telling talent and that's always a plus when writing stories :). Please keep writing! I truly mean that.

Second- You need a little help when is comes to grammar.

Example 1: - Questions need question marks.

“Pa where is she”, Adam groaned again. ( "...she talked to me." Adam tried to get through to his father.)*

“Oh God I wish she was son but she’s not’, Ben said tearfully. ("Oh God, I wish she was son. But she's not." Ben's eyes brimmed with tears.)

End examples.

I really enjoyed the story!

The Detractor

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