for How the west was12/16/2006 c2 
9Elizabeth7
Well, not a particularly auspicious start to a relationship with one throwing up all over the other! Actually, now that I come to think of it, I can think of a lot of relationships that began that way - LOL.
Nice transition from Watson as narrator to omniscience. I didn't even notice until the end of the chapter.
9Elizabeth7Well, not a particularly auspicious start to a relationship with one throwing up all over the other! Actually, now that I come to think of it, I can think of a lot of relationships that began that way - LOL.
Nice transition from Watson as narrator to omniscience. I didn't even notice until the end of the chapter.
12/16/2006 c1 Elizabeth7
I think you captured Watson's style of writing perfectly, particularly in the opening paragraphs. That is a very difficult thing to do - write in a famous author's style and in character too.
I think you captured Watson's style of writing perfectly, particularly in the opening paragraphs. That is a very difficult thing to do - write in a famous author's style and in character too.
10/23/2006 c2 1Susigolfin
Bravo, nice chapter, i liked very much. I hope you don't let this fic, instead you update soon, please.
1SusigolfinBravo, nice chapter, i liked very much. I hope you don't let this fic, instead you update soon, please.
10/21/2006 c1 46Lorendiac
I was never convinced that Sherlock Holmes had fallen for Irene Adler. I believe Watson started out "A Scandal in Bohemia" by clearly stating that such tender feelings were *not* the reason Holmes habitually referred to her as "The Woman" after their battle of wits. Watson was not the shrewd observer of every little nitpicking detail that Holmes was, but he lived with the man for years and wasn't a total fool either (contrary to the stereotyped image that his detractors have of him as the bumbling comic relief). I believe he would have noticed symptoms of Holmes nursing a strong and lingering affection for the woman who had outmaneuvered him.
None of which really matters, I admit! You aren't writing a story about Irene Adler. And if you want to assume, for your own purposes, that your version of Holmes did feel strongly attracted to her when he realized (too late!) just how clever she was, and that Watson knew it perfectly well by the time of your story, I can live with that. And if you want to say that Holmes liked a spirited Western cowgirl when he met her - probably the first time in his life he had ever had such an experience - I have no objections to that either! (I wonder how she is with a rifle or a six-gun? Probably superb.) I look forward to reading the rest of this story as it is posted (I've already looked at the second chapter). I'm not ready to offer an opinion yet on whether you should go for the happy ending or the sad parting of ways, and you say you don't know yet either!
Now, in keeping with my proud reputation for nitpicking in my reviews, let me point out a few little bits and pieces that could be tidied up.
* The trip on the train, Holmes’ slept. The trip on the steam ship, he had a book about the western United States. Both trips were quite uneventful, except when Holmes’ awoke on the train and realised the twins had chosen to curl up on either side of him for their naps while he slept. *
In both cases where you mention his name in that passage, you don't need the apostrophe! "Holmes slept" and "Holmes awoke."
* “Lucy Norris, sir.” she tipped her hat to him. “My daddy ‘n me are the richest folks ‘round here, but that makes everyone think I oughta be wearin frilly dresses an‘ corsets and ridin side-saddle. I dissapoint ‘em, see?” *
Even allowing for the fact that she's speaking in dialect, I still think I see a few typographical errors in that passage. For instance, when the final G of a word ending "-ing" gets dropped in spoken dialogue in published fiction, I usually see it replaced with an apostrophe at the end. And there are a couple of other little things. So I'd suggest:
“Lucy Norris, sir.” She tipped her hat to him. “My daddy ‘n me are the richest folks ‘round here, but that makes everyone think I oughta be wearin' frilly dresses an‘ corsets and ridin' side-saddle. I disappoint ‘em, see?”
* Mr. Norris rose, as did we, and saw Ms. Norris enter the parlour wearing a flowing white dress and her hair in a bund with several curls flowing from it.
Holmes looked absolutely smitten, though he never would have admitted to it, and walked up to kiss her hand.
“Ms. Norris, you look absolutely stunning.” *
Ms. Norris? This passage startled me. Watson called her that in his description and then Holmes did the same in his greeting. But it left me feeling disoriented because it seemed an anachronism for anyone to address a lady that way in the late 19th Century (or even the very early 20th, as the case may be?). I had a vague impression that the alternative of calling a woman "Ms. Norris" (instead of "Miss" or "Mrs.") was only invented by mid-20th-Century feminists. Also, it's inconsistent with the way Holmes already addressed her when they first met. He called her "Miss" twice.
You made me curious, so just now I checked two dictionaries to see if I might have missed something about the history of "Ms." One says that calling a woman "Ms." only began sometime in the 1950s; the other says it began in 1949. To the best of my knowledge, "Ms." had never previously been an abbreviation for "Miss," either. The dictionary entries for "Ms." don't mention its being an abbreviation for another form of address. Then I checked the entries for "Miss" and they didn't mention "Ms." or anything else as a standard abbreviation for that word.
So my advice would be to go back and replace any occurrence of "Ms." with "Miss" to make the story more self-consistent and historically accurate.
(By the way, in that same passage I last quoted, I think you meant her hair was in a "bun" instead of a "bund.")
46LorendiacI was never convinced that Sherlock Holmes had fallen for Irene Adler. I believe Watson started out "A Scandal in Bohemia" by clearly stating that such tender feelings were *not* the reason Holmes habitually referred to her as "The Woman" after their battle of wits. Watson was not the shrewd observer of every little nitpicking detail that Holmes was, but he lived with the man for years and wasn't a total fool either (contrary to the stereotyped image that his detractors have of him as the bumbling comic relief). I believe he would have noticed symptoms of Holmes nursing a strong and lingering affection for the woman who had outmaneuvered him.
None of which really matters, I admit! You aren't writing a story about Irene Adler. And if you want to assume, for your own purposes, that your version of Holmes did feel strongly attracted to her when he realized (too late!) just how clever she was, and that Watson knew it perfectly well by the time of your story, I can live with that. And if you want to say that Holmes liked a spirited Western cowgirl when he met her - probably the first time in his life he had ever had such an experience - I have no objections to that either! (I wonder how she is with a rifle or a six-gun? Probably superb.) I look forward to reading the rest of this story as it is posted (I've already looked at the second chapter). I'm not ready to offer an opinion yet on whether you should go for the happy ending or the sad parting of ways, and you say you don't know yet either!
Now, in keeping with my proud reputation for nitpicking in my reviews, let me point out a few little bits and pieces that could be tidied up.
* The trip on the train, Holmes’ slept. The trip on the steam ship, he had a book about the western United States. Both trips were quite uneventful, except when Holmes’ awoke on the train and realised the twins had chosen to curl up on either side of him for their naps while he slept. *
In both cases where you mention his name in that passage, you don't need the apostrophe! "Holmes slept" and "Holmes awoke."
* “Lucy Norris, sir.” she tipped her hat to him. “My daddy ‘n me are the richest folks ‘round here, but that makes everyone think I oughta be wearin frilly dresses an‘ corsets and ridin side-saddle. I dissapoint ‘em, see?” *
Even allowing for the fact that she's speaking in dialect, I still think I see a few typographical errors in that passage. For instance, when the final G of a word ending "-ing" gets dropped in spoken dialogue in published fiction, I usually see it replaced with an apostrophe at the end. And there are a couple of other little things. So I'd suggest:
“Lucy Norris, sir.” She tipped her hat to him. “My daddy ‘n me are the richest folks ‘round here, but that makes everyone think I oughta be wearin' frilly dresses an‘ corsets and ridin' side-saddle. I disappoint ‘em, see?”
* Mr. Norris rose, as did we, and saw Ms. Norris enter the parlour wearing a flowing white dress and her hair in a bund with several curls flowing from it.
Holmes looked absolutely smitten, though he never would have admitted to it, and walked up to kiss her hand.
“Ms. Norris, you look absolutely stunning.” *
Ms. Norris? This passage startled me. Watson called her that in his description and then Holmes did the same in his greeting. But it left me feeling disoriented because it seemed an anachronism for anyone to address a lady that way in the late 19th Century (or even the very early 20th, as the case may be?). I had a vague impression that the alternative of calling a woman "Ms. Norris" (instead of "Miss" or "Mrs.") was only invented by mid-20th-Century feminists. Also, it's inconsistent with the way Holmes already addressed her when they first met. He called her "Miss" twice.
You made me curious, so just now I checked two dictionaries to see if I might have missed something about the history of "Ms." One says that calling a woman "Ms." only began sometime in the 1950s; the other says it began in 1949. To the best of my knowledge, "Ms." had never previously been an abbreviation for "Miss," either. The dictionary entries for "Ms." don't mention its being an abbreviation for another form of address. Then I checked the entries for "Miss" and they didn't mention "Ms." or anything else as a standard abbreviation for that word.
So my advice would be to go back and replace any occurrence of "Ms." with "Miss" to make the story more self-consistent and historically accurate.
(By the way, in that same passage I last quoted, I think you meant her hair was in a "bun" instead of a "bund.")
8/28/2006 c1 4Oliveydoughnuts
HAHA, a little mary sue-ish but on the whole very interesting... Please make it a happy ending?
4OliveydoughnutsHAHA, a little mary sue-ish but on the whole very interesting... Please make it a happy ending?
8/24/2006 c1 1Susigolfin
I liked this first chapter. Your "Miss Lucy"is a good character, a bit savage,no? Holmes and Watson (and the twins too)are areadorables.Please update soon.
1SusigolfinI liked this first chapter. Your "Miss Lucy"is a good character, a bit savage,no? Holmes and Watson (and the twins too)are areadorables.Please update soon.
8/23/2006 c1 Susicar
What do i think so far? Um, i think (before read this because i need traduce, that you have choose a very good premise, I like much. Next, my opinion, I promise. And good luck.
What do i think so far? Um, i think (before read this because i need traduce, that you have choose a very good premise, I like much. Next, my opinion, I promise. And good luck.