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for Everything Falls Apart Even the strongest

2/6/2008 c2 15Yuki101
UPDATE!
8/21/2007 c1 5JDanielle
i really liked your story can you write more
8/18/2007 c3 Larissa
Geez, what's with flame rising? Yeah there was sentence errors, but come on they didn't need to be so mean about it! Keep up the writing and God bless. P.S. I've seen worse writing on this site.
8/18/2007 c3 Larissa
Post more please. I could do without the swearing, but post more.
3/26/2007 c2 4Mekanizumu no kiki yari
UPDATE!
3/7/2007 c2 Tiffany
Hey great plot to the story I love it. I did find some things that might help. First just try to stick with one point of view. I think that if you stuck with the girls point of view, it would make it easier to read. I also noticed the punctuation marks are not quite right. Some of them are even missing. You are doing a really great job with the story but I think the editing needs some work. I hope that this doesn't offend you in any way. I just thought I would give you some pointers to improve your story.
12/30/2006 c1 13KrazieShadowNinja
You have a really nice plot at your hands. Though there is some things in your story that demotes the wonderful plot. For starters, it might be easier to separate the quotes that different characters say. It might make things a bit more clear. I had to go back a bit to see exactly who was talking.

I noticed that there are sections in the story that lack the proper punctuation.

Here's an example: 'I am 17 years old I have black hair with silver streaks I take care of my family my father Rei Kit and my little sister Alyssa.

Here's a clearer way: 'I am 17 years old and I have black hair with silver streaks. I take care of my family, which consists of my father, Rei Kit, and my little sister, Alyssa.

Now, however you want to combine the sentences is all up to you.

Also there are some words missing in your sentences that make them a bit confusing. And I mean simple things like that or and. A little bit more description in places would make this story quite a fancy.

I hope you are not offended by my critique because I am only trying to help. Like I said before, you have a wonderful plot and you could go far with it. It's just needs to be touched up a little bit and it would be perfect. I hope you continue this story and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
10/16/2006 c1 13Blue957
hey I love it can you contine. I know that you could come up with another chapter.
10/6/2006 c1 4ghostgirl14027
That was good why are all the good ones short?
9/12/2006 c1 203BubblyShell22
Please continue this. You are doing a good job. You are an awesome writer.

The Bubbly One,

Shell
9/12/2006 c1 4Black Panther137
hello there good story the only advice that i can give to you is do shorter paragraphs that way people can read your story easier.

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