for TBA9/19/2006 c3 Andrea
Hahaha...
I was laughing of r reason, but now I can't remember...
I htin kthat was cute. HTough they do sound gay. But we know you love gay guys, dontcha?
Hahaha...
I was laughing of r reason, but now I can't remember...
I htin kthat was cute. HTough they do sound gay. But we know you love gay guys, dontcha?
149/16/2006 c3 nomorefanfictionforme12345
::blinks:: Well, I was only going to read this to let you know a few errors in your summary, but in the end it really wasn't too bad.
Summary Errors:
-Yaoi is the proper way to spell Yaoi. You had it as 'Yoai,' which is bad.
-I was going to say that what you have is a shonen-ai, which means boy love in Japanese. But that's not what this is. The most that it is in unrequited love. But it's not even that. You could have just written Jonouchi and Kaiba ponder their feelings about eachother while thinking about the lives that they lead. That would be enough.
I think that you also could have labelled who was speaking before you started the chapter. I got confused in chapter two when because I thought that Jonouchi was still speaking. He wasn't. ::smiles::
I think that my favorite chapter was the second one, though. You took Kaiba, someone that thinks about details and the literal meaning of things and reminded us of that by your first paragraph. But then you turned it into something different by bringing his true feelings into the mix. I liked that.
I also don't think that the song went in there well. I actually didn't read it, because I think that it interrupted the flow of the story. You could have just picked out a couple of lines and the song title and put them in there in a way that works to prove your point, but I think that the whole thing was unneeded. ::shrugs::
All in all, though, this was a fairly good story, especially since it was just a bunch of monologues. You managed to give them feelings, which was nice.
::blinks:: Well, I was only going to read this to let you know a few errors in your summary, but in the end it really wasn't too bad.
Summary Errors:
-Yaoi is the proper way to spell Yaoi. You had it as 'Yoai,' which is bad.
-I was going to say that what you have is a shonen-ai, which means boy love in Japanese. But that's not what this is. The most that it is in unrequited love. But it's not even that. You could have just written Jonouchi and Kaiba ponder their feelings about eachother while thinking about the lives that they lead. That would be enough.
I think that you also could have labelled who was speaking before you started the chapter. I got confused in chapter two when because I thought that Jonouchi was still speaking. He wasn't. ::smiles::
I think that my favorite chapter was the second one, though. You took Kaiba, someone that thinks about details and the literal meaning of things and reminded us of that by your first paragraph. But then you turned it into something different by bringing his true feelings into the mix. I liked that.
I also don't think that the song went in there well. I actually didn't read it, because I think that it interrupted the flow of the story. You could have just picked out a couple of lines and the song title and put them in there in a way that works to prove your point, but I think that the whole thing was unneeded. ::shrugs::
All in all, though, this was a fairly good story, especially since it was just a bunch of monologues. You managed to give them feelings, which was nice.