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for Father of Chaos

4/26/2013 c1 1Umbro Draco
The good: The story itself wasn't bad, kudos for that.

The bad: The lack of any kind of punctuation, grammar, and proper spelling made this incredibly hard to read. It's littered with run-on sentences and incomplete sentences. As others have mentioned, separating this into chapters would definitely be helpful. I'm not trying to be mean in any way - actually, I think this would be really good if the punctuation, grammar, and spelling were fixed.

A few suggestions:
- Use commas!
- Type using a program that automatically checks your spelling and grammar.
- Proofread (i.e. when someone speaks, the first word spoken should be capitalized.)
- Don't include multiple people speaking in the same paragraph. It gets confusing when two or three different people are speaking within the same, long paragraph.
- Try adding a little more description to the scenery, thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes Lina's internal dialogue felt rushed and out of place.
9/23/2007 c1 4Sillvog
This was pretty good. ^-^ But it was so long that my eyes hurt after reading it all. *.* You might want to make it into chapter instead next time. You could contine it with Lina's kid. I would like to know just what it will be. Human or not.
4/25/2007 c1 11Mysticalflame
There were a few problems, and it was pretty long, but it was definitely a piece to read!

Next time break it up into three or four chapters. It's not only easier to read, but much less intimidating.

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