for Gundam Seed CE 75 : Lurking Shadows DISCONTINUED11/25/2008 c5 
1Cost of the Crown
Yes you can use anything from my stories if you want. My email is acting up so I am not receiving any mail other then spam. This is my excuse from not realizing you have updated this story, or at least started something new.
Just an idea why not put this little outline in its own title? If you stopped on Lurking Shadow then you might as well delete the story. Just my opinion.
I'll admit that I only skimmed this since I am tired and drained(relationships are sometimes hard to deal with) anyway I'll really read it tomorrow, but from what my eyes picked up and my brain processed it is very interesting and...love how your writing has changed.
You have grown in writing. Yet again sorry for the delay blame the email alerts not coming through.
Colleen
1Cost of the CrownYes you can use anything from my stories if you want. My email is acting up so I am not receiving any mail other then spam. This is my excuse from not realizing you have updated this story, or at least started something new.
Just an idea why not put this little outline in its own title? If you stopped on Lurking Shadow then you might as well delete the story. Just my opinion.
I'll admit that I only skimmed this since I am tired and drained(relationships are sometimes hard to deal with) anyway I'll really read it tomorrow, but from what my eyes picked up and my brain processed it is very interesting and...love how your writing has changed.
You have grown in writing. Yet again sorry for the delay blame the email alerts not coming through.
Colleen
4/18/2007 c4 lambda123
hi i am here to review again,
ok here we go...
do you know where ORB situated is? the answer would be right in the middle of pacific(sp?) ocean.
here your plot in chapter 4 said that they will send reinforcement to joule team which is currently in indian ocean meaning THOUSANDS OF KILOMETRES from ORB am i right. i asking you is there any technology you made up that can teleport whatever reinforcement team you want to send to Joule team who is currently in dire need of back up. think about it cause as far as i remember there is no super powered ship that can teleport in a minute when a team send emergency sig and hoping for back up unless there is a guy name Kira who strolling in his Gundam and happen to be in the area. BTW i might be mistaken as i just summarised you stories all together and never enjoy it as much as any fic however there is potential and space to grow better. My advice is always think further in creating plot to make the story more deep than the readers thought.
hi i am here to review again,
ok here we go...
do you know where ORB situated is? the answer would be right in the middle of pacific(sp?) ocean.
here your plot in chapter 4 said that they will send reinforcement to joule team which is currently in indian ocean meaning THOUSANDS OF KILOMETRES from ORB am i right. i asking you is there any technology you made up that can teleport whatever reinforcement team you want to send to Joule team who is currently in dire need of back up. think about it cause as far as i remember there is no super powered ship that can teleport in a minute when a team send emergency sig and hoping for back up unless there is a guy name Kira who strolling in his Gundam and happen to be in the area. BTW i might be mistaken as i just summarised you stories all together and never enjoy it as much as any fic however there is potential and space to grow better. My advice is always think further in creating plot to make the story more deep than the readers thought.
4/5/2007 c3 Cost of the Crown
For some reason I'm not surprised with the abuse of a Coordinator even on Orb. The policy dose state that Coordinators and Naturals can take refugee and live in peace in the Neutral nation, but not everyone on said nation is going to have the same views.
Some people who came from an Atlantic Federation territory may still see Coordinators as a threat and the same goes for the Coordinators coming from the PLANTs. Really Orb takes in people from around the world and from the PLANTs, so those views may stay with them.
On a side note, you are getting better. A real difference can be seen from chapter one, so I suggest-if you have the time- to rewrite the first one to keep the same style of writing as your later chapters. But you should still do it before ending the story because the first chapter is the one that catches your readers attention. Sorry for the long review just got a little carried away.
For some reason I'm not surprised with the abuse of a Coordinator even on Orb. The policy dose state that Coordinators and Naturals can take refugee and live in peace in the Neutral nation, but not everyone on said nation is going to have the same views.
Some people who came from an Atlantic Federation territory may still see Coordinators as a threat and the same goes for the Coordinators coming from the PLANTs. Really Orb takes in people from around the world and from the PLANTs, so those views may stay with them.
On a side note, you are getting better. A real difference can be seen from chapter one, so I suggest-if you have the time- to rewrite the first one to keep the same style of writing as your later chapters. But you should still do it before ending the story because the first chapter is the one that catches your readers attention. Sorry for the long review just got a little carried away.
3/29/2007 c3 1RagnaRulZ
Looks you are turning astray from the main things mentioned in Gundam SEED.
ORB treats both naturals and coordinators equally. Don't you know?
1RagnaRulZLooks you are turning astray from the main things mentioned in Gundam SEED.
ORB treats both naturals and coordinators equally. Don't you know?
3/27/2007 c1 RagnaRulZ
[I'm actually reviewing chapters 1 & 2]
Hmm... You seem to avoid using pronouns frequently. I dun mind long and juicy chapters but long and painful for the eyes is another thing. I sort of get confused with the characters in certain parts.
Near the ending of Chapter 2, I can see that you are beginning to get a grasp it. There's room for improvements.
I'll be looking forward to your Chapter 3.
[I'm actually reviewing chapters 1 & 2]
Hmm... You seem to avoid using pronouns frequently. I dun mind long and juicy chapters but long and painful for the eyes is another thing. I sort of get confused with the characters in certain parts.
Near the ending of Chapter 2, I can see that you are beginning to get a grasp it. There's room for improvements.
I'll be looking forward to your Chapter 3.
3/25/2007 c1 lambda123
let see what should i say everything had been stated by bloodriddenpath. the only thing that might be a problem in the future( a big might) your OC character. you see not every readers accept OCs because:
1) usually OC is mean to be used as a side characters. refer any fiction making OC as main character is a big risk people might like it or they might flame it. As example 'Devils return' i mean the past version( the prototype version) was a good fiction but too many OCs also one of the reason its fail, i can't say much here or Bloodriddenpath will flame me.
2) they are also used to make a plot more interesting and at the same time avoiding the plot hole from happening(if you know how to make used of your OC).
i can put a few more here but others will say i'm know nothing since i didn't write a fiction(doesn't mean i can't judge a fiction besides i'm sure i'm one of the best critic in fanfic)
i haven't read your fighting scene and hopefully it'll up to my expectation.
my review might be harsh on you but it is the honest review from my part.
let see what should i say everything had been stated by bloodriddenpath. the only thing that might be a problem in the future( a big might) your OC character. you see not every readers accept OCs because:
1) usually OC is mean to be used as a side characters. refer any fiction making OC as main character is a big risk people might like it or they might flame it. As example 'Devils return' i mean the past version( the prototype version) was a good fiction but too many OCs also one of the reason its fail, i can't say much here or Bloodriddenpath will flame me.
2) they are also used to make a plot more interesting and at the same time avoiding the plot hole from happening(if you know how to make used of your OC).
i can put a few more here but others will say i'm know nothing since i didn't write a fiction(doesn't mean i can't judge a fiction besides i'm sure i'm one of the best critic in fanfic)
i haven't read your fighting scene and hopefully it'll up to my expectation.
my review might be harsh on you but it is the honest review from my part.
3/24/2007 c1 1Cost of the Crown
It has a good storyline, but you kept repeating certain things like the cheerful girl. Use their names even use Cagalli instead of the amber eyed girl or the blonde haired girl. You could have also said President and such to show who was speaking or thinking.
When it comes to mobile suits use the terms: Unit,its name or number could be used instead of Mobile Suit over and over again.
Like i said at the top, try not to repeat or over use a word. If you read stories written by Solid Shark, you'll see that he tries to stay away from repeats; the same goes for me.
Then with Sven did this or Sven did that, use he, his or him to explain after all we know who's point of view it is already.
This is just my opinion on the corrections, but it seems to have a basic intro with starting the series and can get better as you gain more experience.
1Cost of the CrownIt has a good storyline, but you kept repeating certain things like the cheerful girl. Use their names even use Cagalli instead of the amber eyed girl or the blonde haired girl. You could have also said President and such to show who was speaking or thinking.
When it comes to mobile suits use the terms: Unit,its name or number could be used instead of Mobile Suit over and over again.
Like i said at the top, try not to repeat or over use a word. If you read stories written by Solid Shark, you'll see that he tries to stay away from repeats; the same goes for me.
Then with Sven did this or Sven did that, use he, his or him to explain after all we know who's point of view it is already.
This is just my opinion on the corrections, but it seems to have a basic intro with starting the series and can get better as you gain more experience.