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5/4/2011 c3 Guest
This a stupid story...you suck big time!
5/4/2011 c3 Guest
This is a stupid story...you suck big time!
11/2/2007 c3 Uchiha-Kirara
i love this story.hey i have my own accout now.i am mikannatsume or was T.T someone has my name already T.T
11/1/2007 c3 mikannatsume
cool sounds good.hm...what a pity!i thought tenten and neji would fight.how bad.ne,can sakura fight sasuke and neji back?i mean with comebacks.because she just listens to their fight ad sometime,she sais somethig and thats it.so great story.keep on writing and udpate soon

mikannatsume
7/18/2007 c3 2Chigiri Sasaki
Hi!

Love your idea so far, but I'd like to point out a few things. I know I'm not perfect as well, but it doesn't hurt to improve, now does it? ;)

Well, when someone says something, start a new paragraph. It's really confusing to see every dialogue so bunched up together. Also, sometimes you forget the punctuation (periods, commas, question marks).

Don't bother explaining characters in the author's notes. A lot of people don't read them (including me, sometimes, hehe), so it tends to become a drag if you have to scroll back up to read their description. You should add the information regarding their personalities and physical appearance when they first speak up and/or when they change their outfit. Also, separate the author's notes and the chapters.

It's probably a bit better to make the chapters longer too :) . Well, it's better for the readers, anyways, since your story is truly interesting! I love the rivalry between Neji and Tenten, but don't try to make them better than everybody else. It's okay to do that once in a while, but people who don't particularly love the couple (who can't?) won't really appreciate that.

Well, that's it from me! I hope you update soon cause your story has great potential!

C.S

-xoxo-
5/30/2007 c2 2Tsuki no Okami
Come on! Make some more!
4/30/2007 c2 10elegant-fleuret
Chapter One:

The first thing that stood out was the bold print. In writing there is absolutely no bold print! At all. However, it was only in the first chapter, which is easily fixable.

Every time someone speaks you start a new paragraph. Even if it’s only one word, it gets it’s own line. Along the lines of that, quotes are almost always ended with a comma (unless a question is asked, and exclamation is need, or if it “said...” is after it). Whether they yelled, said, screeched, muttered, coughed, or gurgled is put when need (so you don’t have to put them in parentheses). It gives the character more of real tone, if you will.

The story moves a bit to fast to follow. A story should, generally, be filled with paragraph that are three to five sentence long. Elaboration is what draws in the readers attention and explains, in small depth, what is going on. The transgressions, the scene changes you have in parentheses, are not need if you elaborate more. It makes it flow smoother and sound like it’s really happening.

Now, you’re Author’s Notes. They’re fine at the beginning and end on the chapter but putting them in to explain something is a big NO-NO. It disrupts the flow and usually brings the readers off track, thus making them disinterested in the story. Like I said previously, if you elaborate and write more these notes aren’t needed.

Run the story through spell check before posting. I found many careless errors that would be caught and fixed (including capitalization on beginning words).

Chapter Two:

I was generally confused when I first read this. The beginning paragraph is a jumbled mess of spoken sentence, thoughts, and of different people. To fix this I suggest making a new paragraph when someone new speaks, saying who does the speaking, and italicizing thoughts.

As I re-read it now I see you labeled it as people’s POV’s. This is another NO-NO is writing. You should generally keep it in either third-person or first-person. Again with the flow of the story and catching people’s interest. When you jump from POV to POV it’s confusing and, personally, annoying.

Again with the Author’s Notes. Keep them out for the beginning and the end. Describe their cloths as they are, like, “Tenten sighed, readjusting her red polo and fidgeting against the denim of her new jeans”. I’m not saying spend a whole paragraph describing how they look, but just brief glimpses as to what they wear.

The chapter was too quick, again, and needed better explaining. Like, Kankuro was suddenly Tenten’s boyfriend and BAM! Tenten was in a fight. Have events leading up to things like that and it’ll make much more sense.

As a general criticism, the character’s aren’t acting like themselves. It is noted, however, that they are in an alternate universe so, to some extent it’s excusable. I’d just say to keep them a little bit more in character, so it’s not like you’re reading about completely different people.

Also, try to cut out any and all chat-speak terms. It makes it more literal and easier to read.

All in all, I’d say if you fixed what’s wrong this would be a great fic. I, personally, don’t read that many AU school stories but this does have potential. I wish you luck on furthers chapters and your stories in the future.
4/26/2007 c2 12PinkBunnysWillRuleTheWorld
MAKE TENTEN WIN! Oh and I like ur story
4/26/2007 c2 earthlover
i luv the story update soon ^^
4/26/2007 c2 Arctic Bowl
awsome story, can't wait for the update!
4/23/2007 c1 JadeXOnyx-4ever
its pretty kewl, and i like how sakura stood up, update soon!
4/23/2007 c1 5shurikengrl
~gasp~ you hate sakura? ~lol~ oh well. tenten's awesome!

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