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1/10/2013 c1 Guest
I read the end note
10/11/2011 c1 22Afuri
aaaah! This is very sad! :'(( the best jiraoro ever.. :(
4/3/2011 c1 1Ricano
a really nice story! I really like the ending part T.T u make me cry.. Orochimaru's and Jiraiya's thought is really well portrait!
2/13/2010 c1 4Yuri Shibuya
'“Damn, so that tongue of yours is good for something besides freaking out people.”'

I read. I laughed. I re-read and laughed again. Wonderful piece you have right there, and I think you did very good writing Orochimaru's feelings- I can imagine it is something that Orochimaru would do.
9/16/2009 c1 44Master Jesse
I too have your problem with the act of sex. I cannot write it without feeling that everything I wrote down was wrong. And you did not make it boring.

I liked it. Even if it wasn't a Jiraiya Orochimaru I would have still liked it. :D
3/27/2009 c1 1Joou
oh God I loved it... this parring is so beautiful and so wrong all together :') poor Orochimaru... I'm sad for his sake :( poor both of them

I love the way you wrote the intimate part! :O it was so good I got goosebumps :P and you really nailed it with how Orochimaru didn't want to loose control :) so sweet

the only thing is that you changed tempus you know :3 you started out writing in "past time" but after the sex some where (maybe because you were nervous) you started mixing present time and past time ^^ though that didn't matter to the course of the story :P loved it and I really give you cred for this being your first "M" FF :D Goog job! :D
8/30/2008 c1 42ArtysSexKitten
That's so sad... D= Orochimaru-sama must feel so lonely. Wonderful fic, very well written and the smut was Love.
6/20/2008 c1 GirlxWithxAxBrokenxSmile
I..Uh..Gee...Gah! I was crying...I am crying..Geez...You make me feel bad...But thats good! It helps with my own stories(no I have no stories here). I found comfort in the end, and dont worry, in romance novels no one uses the word 'penis' infact, I dont even use that word! Also, the more you write sexual scenes the better, trust me..Well.Maybe you shouldnt...According to my friends I am the only person who actually writes sexual scenes worth reading out of anyone they know...Hm..I am just good like that! Lol! Anyway, if you want help for sexual writing read a romance book, dont read all of it, just look through it till you find the pages that envolve some sort of sexual behavior(no..kissing is not a sexual behavior..ATALL!) and read it, I am guessing thats how I got so good at it! An reading other fanfictions with sex in them is also a great way to pick up some styles and a way to see that you arent the only one who avoids the word 'penis'..The word makes me giggles madly...But this was very good, you repeated some actions too much among other things. If you ever need any personal help with such things you can always email me, I am always up for helping.
6/3/2008 c1 Ishamaru Butterfly
I thought this wsa really good i read yuor end note dispite how long it was and i think you got your point across with those two Bravo good job and please keep writing you did really well and you wont progress if you don't continue. writing smut gets eiasier Btw i know how hard it is at first but if you keep it up you'll get better and be the most awesome smut writer ever like jiraiya himself! Bravo once again good job!
2/15/2008 c1 5RayLuvsJames
This is EXACTALLY what i needed!

i am wrighting a fic where the uke needs to be the seme without actually BEING the uke...

i am using the ultimate seme and i knew i couldnt do a traditional sex scene cuz of that...this is GREAT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
1/19/2008 c1 Joey Heika
“Damn, so that tongue of yours is good for something besides freaking out people.”
12/2/2007 c1 7yumechan3
Heh, I read the end note. You should have more confidence, this is a really good story. You even make Orochimaru and Jiraiya cute! Usually Orochi is creepy... And I liked the sex scene! It makes me sad that they can't have a happily ever after.
10/28/2007 c1 Jessie
Dude that wasn't bad at all it was amazing actually. I know what you mean about the nervousness thing thoug. When i first started it was so weird, but after awhile it kinda grows on you. But even as im still writing, i cant even write "penis" in my stories. It just sounds ...weird i guess. lolz ttyl.
10/3/2007 c1 2Dreamsofdragons
the end note wasnt too long! well...at least i read it lol. but the story was well written and i enjoyed reading it.
9/26/2007 c1 10The Last Kitten
^-^ I thought this was really good. You succeeded in conveying Oroch-kun’s need to top even though he was a bottom, and it is very possible to experience a wide range of emotions during sex; I actually think it makes it more interesting, to be inside and outside of a character during a sex scene. I personally HATE when authors use such plain words, like penis and vagina, during sex. I think it completely KILLS the mood. It’s too elementary and it feels like the writer was too lazy to think of an artistic way to convey the scene. So, your efforts on that respect are greatly appreciated. lol

Now, the only thing I think you can work on is your active voice. I’m guessing that a teacher or literary learned friend told you that your story should always be in active, rather than passive, voice. While that is true, I think a better aim is to try to keep the tone of the story current, rather than in constant active voice. Do you get what I mean? You can e-mail me if you don’t, but over all I really loved the dynamic between Orochi and Jiraya. Also, -_- writing intimate scenes makes me blush as well. I feel like a voyeur. lol Good luck with your writing. Ja ne!
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