for The Prince of Shadows3/6/2009 c11 phantomgirl71635
What happened to the sequel being up soon? It has been more than a year since you finished this story! I really want the sequel! The story is REALLY good! And when a story is really good and a writer promises a sequel, I expect a sequel! Please publish the sequel SOON!
What happened to the sequel being up soon? It has been more than a year since you finished this story! I really want the sequel! The story is REALLY good! And when a story is really good and a writer promises a sequel, I expect a sequel! Please publish the sequel SOON!
2/4/2009 c4 Courtney
You know you could've (and should've) easily combined several if not all of these chapters. Short chapters make for choppy stories. That's what's making the stories seemed rushed even more than the straight-to-the-point way of writing it.
You know you could've (and should've) easily combined several if not all of these chapters. Short chapters make for choppy stories. That's what's making the stories seemed rushed even more than the straight-to-the-point way of writing it.
12/13/2008 c10 hetalian-system
WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT END PART? R THEY DATIN OR IS CLOCKWORK JUST BEIN NICE?
WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT END PART? R THEY DATIN OR IS CLOCKWORK JUST BEIN NICE?
6/23/2008 c11 ralph wood
make the sequle
make the sequle
2/23/2008 c11 
2light1811
dat was awesome! but still lots of spelling mistakes! but it was enjoyable! (i think i spelled that out wrong!)
2light1811dat was awesome! but still lots of spelling mistakes! but it was enjoyable! (i think i spelled that out wrong!)
12/2/2007 c2 heather
I like the concept, but you should at least run your work through a word program for automatic spell checks. sarcasium? And perhaps work on lengthening chapters and adding more in depth descriptions as to why things are happening as they are and what a person might feel when they occurred. Your character's use of expression is rather simple and far too blunt at times Don't get me wrong. Simplicity is good and you can use it effectively. I know you're able to improve and I won't sit here and burn you with self-glorifying rambles like a certain someone. They could at least have the decency not to reference themselves. I myself still need some work. Just some constructive criticism. I shall read and enjoy the rest of your fic. =)
I like the concept, but you should at least run your work through a word program for automatic spell checks. sarcasium? And perhaps work on lengthening chapters and adding more in depth descriptions as to why things are happening as they are and what a person might feel when they occurred. Your character's use of expression is rather simple and far too blunt at times Don't get me wrong. Simplicity is good and you can use it effectively. I know you're able to improve and I won't sit here and burn you with self-glorifying rambles like a certain someone. They could at least have the decency not to reference themselves. I myself still need some work. Just some constructive criticism. I shall read and enjoy the rest of your fic. =)
11/24/2007 c1 4twistingbluex
I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to make it past the first chapter. I'm torn between laughing and crying, and I am very desperately hoping that you are a troll.
...I don't want to lose all of my faith in humanity.
Well, that's out of the way. I don't really care if you don't want ConCrit, because darlin', you're getting it anyway.
First off, find yourself a good plot, and work with it. The thing that you have going here? Yeah, it has potential. Not a very good choice for a beginner, but nothing can be done about that.
You want to know why this is a difficult plot for a beginner? Because it's difficult for someone who's been writing for years. Not only did you take the idea of male pregnancy, but you also took the prospect of rape and mixed them together.
Research rape. No, watching movies isn't enough. Go read up on it. Wikipedia, Google, your local library, anywhere. Somewhere on the Internet, you'll probably even find someone willing to have an in-depth discussion on rape. Motive, emotions, physical appearance, damage (mentally and physically), and all of those post-traumatic stress syndromes that pop up.
Rape is not nice. If you are going to write something centred around it, research it until your eyes bleed and your soul crumbles at the realisation of what humans do to each-other. If rape results in a child, the chances of the bearer of that child being happy is very, very small. Even if they are against abortion, they will not enjoy carrying the child of their rapist, and will definitely not look forward to its birth.
Moving on, now, to pregnancy.
Again, research it. Talk to women who have had babies. Discuss every aspect of it - including the odds of getting pregnant the first time - and whatever can be used in a male pregnancy scenario, make notes of.
Male pregnancy. How did it happen? Why? Were there any side-effects, due to the carrier being male? What were the complications? How the heck did the baby leave the body? Where was the foetus kept? If it was kept in a uterus, where did the uterus come from? How were the ovaries put in place, to make the creation of another human being possible? Remember, you need an egg and sperm to create what becomes a baby.
How did the male cope with the pregnancy? His hips would have spread, to be able to carry the child without damaging it. His centre of gravity would have shifted, meaning that keeping balance would be very difficult. (Did I mention that having the male's hips move apart would be very, very painful?)
And now onto fandom. Why would (insert person here) rape Danny? What was their intent, their motive? Was it meant to cripple him? Mentally, or physically? How did others react? Surely Danny's family and friends would have noticed him missing. What story did he tell them? Did they believe it? Considering that Danny is what, fourteen? It's illegal for him to live on his own. How did he explain that one?
The Ghost Zone is, guess what? A ghost zone. It is a place where ghosts are; a zone. The name, Ghost Zone, is the title of that place. So when you are writing that title, it will always have capital letters at the start of each word.
Ghost Zone, not ghost zone.
You have under your warning "...lovely yaoiness". No. This is no-where near the Anime/Manga section of the site, it is not Japanese or even Asian in origin, it does not have any Asian main characters, it is not set in Japan. Do not expect people in a fandom that does not have any Japanese anywhere near it to understand a Japanese word. The word you are looking for, is "slash". That is the word that most people in this fandom will recognise, and that is the word that should be used.
Your grammar. Work on it. It's not horrible, but it's not good. Commas aren't the only form of punctuation, Italics aren't the only form of formatting, and sentences aren't the only things in existence. You see all of the paragraphs in this thing? Yeah, they want love. Lots and lots of love.
Do you want to go onto the story writing, now? No? Too bad.
Instead of stating things, try to flesh it out. You want an example? Good! Here, have this one;
"Next month?" I wispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face, 'I haven't smiled from five months, I must be happy.' I thought to myself as tears of happyness rolled down my face as I hugged Clockwork who had a smale smile on his face.
(Just a small side note; SpellCheck. Use it. F7 on your keyboard, in Microsoft Word. For future reference, "wispered" is spelt "whispered", "happyness" is "happiness", and "smale" is "small".)
...Well, first off, let's fix the spelling.
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face, 'I haven't smiled from five months, I must be happy.' I thought to myself as tears of happiness rolled down my face as I hugged Clockwork who had a small smile on his face.
And now grammar;
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face. 'I haven't smiled from five months, I must be happy,' I thought to myself as tears of happiness rolled down my face. I hugged Clockwork who had a small smile on his face.
Now let's delete a few words;
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face. Tears of happiness rolled down my face as I hugged Clockwork who had a small smile on his face.
And re-write some;
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face. Tears of happiness rolled down from my eyes as I hugged Clockwork, who was hiding a small smile.
Do you see the difference? All I did was edit it, the same way most good writers do. Take out everything that isn't needed, add onto what's left, re-write what doesn't work, and try not to repeat words too often. You had used the word "face" three times in four lines. That, my dear, is too much. There are instances in which repetition is necessary, but avoid over-doing it.
Of course, there are also times when repetition is considered a style. This particular style involves breaking a few rules, but as someone wise on fanficrants once said; "Know the rules before you break them."
Judging from the quality of your writing, I'm going to have to say that you look like you're quite a few years away from learning all of the rules. And once you've learnt them, figuring out how to break them without causing a train-wreck will be a lot of work. Don't believe me? Go to my profile, and read "Time After Time". Broke lots of rules with that one, a few of which I was already comfortable with. It's decent, but it's no-where near where it would be if I were able to break all of the rules efficiently.
It took me three years to get to where I am now. Considering that when I started writing, my fanfiction looked eerily similar to yours, you've got a long road ahead of you.
But, back to the topic at hand. I was dissecting and putting back together a "paragraph" of yours, wasn't I?
So we're up to adding in emotion. Think of when you have been happy. What did it feel like? It's easy to say that you felt happy, but what else was there? Was there a lightness in your head? Butterflies in your stomach? Did your heart feel like it was about to burst?
How about sorrow? Was it like there was nothing inside of you? Did it feel like the blood in your veins had vanished, that you were light but heavy at the same time?
Anger. Could you hear the blood pumping in your ears? Did you feel a shout wanting to make its way out of your throat? Did your stomach twist and turn, did you feel the adrenaline pumping through you? Could you feel the rage clouding your mind and re-directing your thoughts?
Every time you feel a strong emotion, pin it down and analyse it. This helps with writing, because it makes the characters seem more real, and realistic characters add to the depth. Readers are more likely to enjoy a story with 3-D characters, than one without.
I'm not going to give you an example of this from your own work, because it is up to the writer how they choose to convey emotion. Myself? I use a sprinkling of repetition to place emphasis on extreme emotion, and re-word the sentence structure many, many times. (Which is partly why I won't use an example from your work. It would involve me entirely re-writing it, which would defeat the whole purpose.)
I could snatch a piece from one of my works, but for one thing, reviews don't show formatting very well. For another, I've already given instructions to get to "Time After Time" if you're curious, and I'm not going to copy/paste from a smut fic. Mainly because reviews can't be rated for mature content.
(Note; "Time After Time" is not a smut-fic. I was referring to two of my other works.)
...This is all I can think of at the moment, other than two very important things:
1. Get a Beta.
2. Edit.
I'd wish you a good day, but that would probably be interpreted as sarcasm. Instead, I'll wish you good luck with your future works, and hope that you take at least a small part of my advice to heart.
-Elle
4twistingbluexI'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to make it past the first chapter. I'm torn between laughing and crying, and I am very desperately hoping that you are a troll.
...I don't want to lose all of my faith in humanity.
Well, that's out of the way. I don't really care if you don't want ConCrit, because darlin', you're getting it anyway.
First off, find yourself a good plot, and work with it. The thing that you have going here? Yeah, it has potential. Not a very good choice for a beginner, but nothing can be done about that.
You want to know why this is a difficult plot for a beginner? Because it's difficult for someone who's been writing for years. Not only did you take the idea of male pregnancy, but you also took the prospect of rape and mixed them together.
Research rape. No, watching movies isn't enough. Go read up on it. Wikipedia, Google, your local library, anywhere. Somewhere on the Internet, you'll probably even find someone willing to have an in-depth discussion on rape. Motive, emotions, physical appearance, damage (mentally and physically), and all of those post-traumatic stress syndromes that pop up.
Rape is not nice. If you are going to write something centred around it, research it until your eyes bleed and your soul crumbles at the realisation of what humans do to each-other. If rape results in a child, the chances of the bearer of that child being happy is very, very small. Even if they are against abortion, they will not enjoy carrying the child of their rapist, and will definitely not look forward to its birth.
Moving on, now, to pregnancy.
Again, research it. Talk to women who have had babies. Discuss every aspect of it - including the odds of getting pregnant the first time - and whatever can be used in a male pregnancy scenario, make notes of.
Male pregnancy. How did it happen? Why? Were there any side-effects, due to the carrier being male? What were the complications? How the heck did the baby leave the body? Where was the foetus kept? If it was kept in a uterus, where did the uterus come from? How were the ovaries put in place, to make the creation of another human being possible? Remember, you need an egg and sperm to create what becomes a baby.
How did the male cope with the pregnancy? His hips would have spread, to be able to carry the child without damaging it. His centre of gravity would have shifted, meaning that keeping balance would be very difficult. (Did I mention that having the male's hips move apart would be very, very painful?)
And now onto fandom. Why would (insert person here) rape Danny? What was their intent, their motive? Was it meant to cripple him? Mentally, or physically? How did others react? Surely Danny's family and friends would have noticed him missing. What story did he tell them? Did they believe it? Considering that Danny is what, fourteen? It's illegal for him to live on his own. How did he explain that one?
The Ghost Zone is, guess what? A ghost zone. It is a place where ghosts are; a zone. The name, Ghost Zone, is the title of that place. So when you are writing that title, it will always have capital letters at the start of each word.
Ghost Zone, not ghost zone.
You have under your warning "...lovely yaoiness". No. This is no-where near the Anime/Manga section of the site, it is not Japanese or even Asian in origin, it does not have any Asian main characters, it is not set in Japan. Do not expect people in a fandom that does not have any Japanese anywhere near it to understand a Japanese word. The word you are looking for, is "slash". That is the word that most people in this fandom will recognise, and that is the word that should be used.
Your grammar. Work on it. It's not horrible, but it's not good. Commas aren't the only form of punctuation, Italics aren't the only form of formatting, and sentences aren't the only things in existence. You see all of the paragraphs in this thing? Yeah, they want love. Lots and lots of love.
Do you want to go onto the story writing, now? No? Too bad.
Instead of stating things, try to flesh it out. You want an example? Good! Here, have this one;
"Next month?" I wispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face, 'I haven't smiled from five months, I must be happy.' I thought to myself as tears of happyness rolled down my face as I hugged Clockwork who had a smale smile on his face.
(Just a small side note; SpellCheck. Use it. F7 on your keyboard, in Microsoft Word. For future reference, "wispered" is spelt "whispered", "happyness" is "happiness", and "smale" is "small".)
...Well, first off, let's fix the spelling.
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face, 'I haven't smiled from five months, I must be happy.' I thought to myself as tears of happiness rolled down my face as I hugged Clockwork who had a small smile on his face.
And now grammar;
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face. 'I haven't smiled from five months, I must be happy,' I thought to myself as tears of happiness rolled down my face. I hugged Clockwork who had a small smile on his face.
Now let's delete a few words;
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face. Tears of happiness rolled down my face as I hugged Clockwork who had a small smile on his face.
And re-write some;
"Next month?" I whispered and then a great big smile plastered itself on my face. Tears of happiness rolled down from my eyes as I hugged Clockwork, who was hiding a small smile.
Do you see the difference? All I did was edit it, the same way most good writers do. Take out everything that isn't needed, add onto what's left, re-write what doesn't work, and try not to repeat words too often. You had used the word "face" three times in four lines. That, my dear, is too much. There are instances in which repetition is necessary, but avoid over-doing it.
Of course, there are also times when repetition is considered a style. This particular style involves breaking a few rules, but as someone wise on fanficrants once said; "Know the rules before you break them."
Judging from the quality of your writing, I'm going to have to say that you look like you're quite a few years away from learning all of the rules. And once you've learnt them, figuring out how to break them without causing a train-wreck will be a lot of work. Don't believe me? Go to my profile, and read "Time After Time". Broke lots of rules with that one, a few of which I was already comfortable with. It's decent, but it's no-where near where it would be if I were able to break all of the rules efficiently.
It took me three years to get to where I am now. Considering that when I started writing, my fanfiction looked eerily similar to yours, you've got a long road ahead of you.
But, back to the topic at hand. I was dissecting and putting back together a "paragraph" of yours, wasn't I?
So we're up to adding in emotion. Think of when you have been happy. What did it feel like? It's easy to say that you felt happy, but what else was there? Was there a lightness in your head? Butterflies in your stomach? Did your heart feel like it was about to burst?
How about sorrow? Was it like there was nothing inside of you? Did it feel like the blood in your veins had vanished, that you were light but heavy at the same time?
Anger. Could you hear the blood pumping in your ears? Did you feel a shout wanting to make its way out of your throat? Did your stomach twist and turn, did you feel the adrenaline pumping through you? Could you feel the rage clouding your mind and re-directing your thoughts?
Every time you feel a strong emotion, pin it down and analyse it. This helps with writing, because it makes the characters seem more real, and realistic characters add to the depth. Readers are more likely to enjoy a story with 3-D characters, than one without.
I'm not going to give you an example of this from your own work, because it is up to the writer how they choose to convey emotion. Myself? I use a sprinkling of repetition to place emphasis on extreme emotion, and re-word the sentence structure many, many times. (Which is partly why I won't use an example from your work. It would involve me entirely re-writing it, which would defeat the whole purpose.)
I could snatch a piece from one of my works, but for one thing, reviews don't show formatting very well. For another, I've already given instructions to get to "Time After Time" if you're curious, and I'm not going to copy/paste from a smut fic. Mainly because reviews can't be rated for mature content.
(Note; "Time After Time" is not a smut-fic. I was referring to two of my other works.)
...This is all I can think of at the moment, other than two very important things:
1. Get a Beta.
2. Edit.
I'd wish you a good day, but that would probably be interpreted as sarcasm. Instead, I'll wish you good luck with your future works, and hope that you take at least a small part of my advice to heart.
-Elle
11/6/2007 c11 2starfireAlchemist
I dont get it why didnt danny ues his ghost powers to help shadow?
but still a great story and a good ending.
2starfireAlchemistI dont get it why didnt danny ues his ghost powers to help shadow?
but still a great story and a good ending.
10/24/2007 c10 REBD
this is good but tired of looking at it can't wait to see what's next.
this is good but tired of looking at it can't wait to see what's next.