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11/17/2007 c16 2Liveforthedream
This story had been really wonderful so far and I think it has the potential to become a really great take on the marriage-law. I hope you decide to continue it and good luck this year in school.
11/2/2007 c17 registeredasobsidianmoon
Okay, so I haven't really gone back to re-read the whole thing, so you might hear from me again when I come across the time. (I've been awake 48 hours and counting) So please forgive glaring spelling etc errors that probably label me as inept.

Anyway, let me start by saying I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOUR PREMISE! I have not yet come across another marriage law fic where Snape refuses, and hermione is the one who asks him. I really love the first part of the story- it was a bit long, but I wouldn't change anything if I were you. Chapter 8 in particular was spectacular. Most notably, the ending.. "last time I ever heard of her". I also like the vague-ness of snape in the beginning. You never really know what he's thinking about, which is SO TRUE in the books. Motives etc. keep me pondering. Does Snape really like her? at least somewhat romantically? does she remind him of himself, or feel any sort of kinship/sympathy with her? Does he agree purely out of pity? Or, is he cruel and cold because that's just who he is, and he gets an opportunity to show the "incorrigible-know-it-all" that? It seems like he has no clue why he married her consciously, but he must have a subconcious reason. Disagreeing to meet her parents or be any closer to her is perfectly in character, and adds dynamic to the story. Her constant attempts and imagined connection also do that. I remember it made me wonder what the deal was, and I was frustrated with snape for being so mysterious. this is a good thing to have in a reader- I was actively reading.

The part that I would change the most would be what follows the marriage ceremony. If my memory serves me correctly (which it may not until I've re-read) the wedding night is a bit Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'm. Very awkward and clinical. That is perfect, while dissapointing to me, perfect for the story. Other elements such as the "don't touch my stuff" rule, and the "absolutely no cat" rule are also perfect. What I would change after the wedding night is, I would start slowly revealing what snape thinks/what his motivations are. Very slowly. as in, which conscience does he subscribe to? He should also spend more time at home. Interaction is key to any story, and hermione's constant meditations get a bit dull. I was rather like "ok, ok, we get it, where's the action/interaction?" For example, if he likes her romantically (but obviously is in denial) he might forbid her to go into any other room, but say, read in the living room. Rules and regulations apply to her, but he is exempt/not admitting WHY he did so. If he doesn't say anything, that's ok. actions do speak louder than words. going with the same in denial!snape He might also always wake up earlier, just to hang around the house. It would seem completely confusing and nonsensical (I wanted to use a word that means he same thing... anti-something but I just CANT remember it) It would be apparent to us readers who love snape-hermione romance, but hermione (who has never heard or HG/SS fics) would follow any logical train of thought to explain his action, but no matter what, it just wouldn't make sense. He could even be harsher/crueller to her in a deliberate attempt to make her hate him, because of some masocistc tendency. Only when she was asleep, and therefore a non-threat, would he tuck her in, play "confession" etc with her. During the increased cruelty, even the readers would be second guessing him, which is entirely the point. So, I would definately have more interaction, and I'd develop the relationship. Though her non-commital and vague "yes, of course ronald, things are perfect" response is entirely essential to the story. The shame and desire to minimize duo involvement adds to her personality.

I would also keep it in first person, as the reader feels far more connected to the plot. Snape's ambiguity is ESSENTIAL, which is far more difficult to do when in third person. anyway, I'm sorry I basically just wrote you an essay (my friend both started and finished her math homework while I was writing this ::I was kinda sorta supposed to help her::) Anyway, feel free to email me, and I'll try to give a better review once I've re-read your VERY GOOD story.
11/2/2007 c1 acronychal
I love this intro, you got the formal bastard ministry document tone down so well.
11/1/2007 c17 Madame Royale
Hey I've been reading this story for a while and I absolutely love it the way it is. I am so interested to see where you will go with it, but i know you would probably appreciate some constructive criticism, so... I think that Snape and Hermione need more interaction, and you could show more insight into Snape's side of the story,probably not the same amount of emphasis as is given to Hermione, because the story is more about her. I would also like to see more confrontation between the two, because that really builds the tension and makes them confront these issues they are dealing with. As for plot twists, maybe Draco or Lucius start to go after Hermione, and (surprise) Snape starts feeling protective? That would really force him to step into his role of protector if Hermione was seriously being pursued. Or perhaps, theres always the baby factor... the consequences of a pregnancy that early in their disfunctional marriage would force them to create some sort of bond. I applaud you for the pace of the story. I hate the stories where they get married and all of a sudden they fall in love. I have complete faith in your abilities; you are an amazing writer, and you shouldn't change anything about your style, it completely captivates me. You have done a brilliant job so far! Keep it up! No really, please update soon!
11/1/2007 c17 18castle4beckett
Keep updating!
11/1/2007 c7 5stashthesocks
I cringed so much reading that chapter that i had to read it through gaps in my fingers as my hands were covering my face!
11/1/2007 c17 Heidi191976
I think that the story was great as it was, but it would probably work to change it to the third person. I think Hermione's character should stand up for herself more and not let Severus boss her around like she is still a child. If you rewrite all of this and still make Severus to where he tries to control Hermione, then you could always write in that he changes how he acts after finding out that she was attacked and raped by Lucius. He could also allow her cat, Crookshanks, to stay inside. I hope though that you don't write it that he begins to abuse her otherwise other people will find out and try to seperate them. I look forward to reading this once you rewrite it.
11/1/2007 c16 lotus elise
hehe, i got that the wrong way round, i think u shud stay with the writing style u have adopted in the story (blush), but i am not totally dismissing the idea of changing if u wud find it more challenging and exciting to do that, then go for it!
11/1/2007 c17 lotus elise
firstly i wud like so say well done becuz u are the only storey tht i have read (and i have read alot) to actually make it a non love marriage at the stage u have gotten to. It is refreshing to have it different, altho u have left the state to how snape feels ambiguous, lol, however here is where i shall try to help:

1.mainly u cud have it so snape only like hermione, or they fall in love or they dont at all. The advantage of them not fallen in love at all can draw advantages becuz the fanfic can be a lot more darker this way lol. It is usually beautiful when they fall in love or the gradual fallin in love of one or both of them is exciting.

2. i dont think there is anything (i have skimmed over ur wrk again) that u sud get rid of as it all adds to the effect of ur storey, i think u shud follow it on from where it is.

3.i also think u are a very skillfull writer and i think that u are clever enough to tie up loose ends, but sometimes its ok not to complete them. I wud love u to complete the story, its just where to take it eh? plots-well that will depend on where ur taking sev and hermiones relationship, like i said i number 1, leaving it to a machanical loveless marriage is unchartered territory lol, and u could have tht and drw out some kind of love relationship at the end, there cud be lucius trying it on or draco, the dark lord testing sev somehow to do with hermione.

4. as from changing from 3rd person to first, i wud say not,only becuz ur writing is so gud in third. However, if u have the confidence to take in in first, go for it, but of course ur own voice will go into hermiones, it ok and long as its not strong and all the time.

i am eargly awaiting ur next chapter, i loved it then and totally commend ur individuality when snape and hermione had an almost strained sex..post soon..hope ive been of sum helpx
11/1/2007 c17 Anti-Monarchist
I like what you've got here but Snape is just staying too cold for too long. I'll still be waiting eagerly for whatever is too come.
11/1/2007 c17 14Katia Dashwood
I think that keeping this in the first person is just fine. Even though some people say that using the first person is the easy way out, I disagree. However, switching to the third person may help to put Hermione more in character. Getting her character more on-target could also be accomplished by making her stronger. I know she stood up for Crookshanks, but she has taken everything else lying down. Yes, Snape helped her out, and yes, with his personality, he's going to be a right bastard about it, but I think Hermione should refuse to take it. She isn't without friends, and her determination to stay with Snape of her own accord, when she could go elsewhere, feels a bit odd when seen in conjunction with her relatively passive interactions with Snape. He isnt' going to do her in, because he'd have the Order after him. I think Hermione needs to let him know he can't push her around, and stay, or she needs to confront him about what a bastard he's being and then leave to be with people who will treat her better, even if she won't be safer.

I'm sorry if any of this has come off as being too critical. I've rather enjoyed this story, adn think that it's quite interesting. : )
11/1/2007 c17 1amsev
Hi there! I've been very much enjoying the story as is. You've got a long row to hoe with getting Snape and Hermione to really like each other, though. I don't know if that concerns you or not (doesn't concern me, just means the story will be longer!)
11/1/2007 c17 1Reioki
The writing of your story was great, it was enticing and kept me one edge about what was going to happen next. I thought the sex scene with Snape was particularly disturbing...although i understand it was a key element of the story that they had to consummate their relationship so soon. But the fact that Hermione equate it to almost rape made me wander how the hell she was going to be able to fall in love with him later with those types of feelings and animosity towards him. I'm happy you have decided to return to the story, good luck with the re-write and I look forward to reading the next draft.
10/28/2007 c16 ccoolcat83
very good email me when you update
10/12/2007 c16 5Jenny2007
*sniff* *tear* Drops to ground and grabs Patchye's feet. Please come back soon. I miss you!

No seriously I miss this story it is probably one of my favorites!
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