for Slaver Dancer9/26/2013 c2 Guest
when are you going to update?
when are you going to update?
6/10/2007 c2 
4Mrs.Moony86
Great chapter love! I see you fixed the formatting problem. And this chapter was spaced more, therefore easier to read. I can't wait to see where you are going with this so please update soon!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
4Mrs.Moony86Great chapter love! I see you fixed the formatting problem. And this chapter was spaced more, therefore easier to read. I can't wait to see where you are going with this so please update soon!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
6/10/2007 c2 2Phlooty
Haha, I like when Bar-Ma calls Obi-Wan "Obi." Cute.
Still make sure you're adding enough paragraphs. Make sure you start a new one whenever someone new is talking.
Try to describe Obi-Wan as much as you describe Bar-Ma. Talking about how she looks so beautiful and then just saying that Obi-Wan is wearing golden shorts makes her sound like a Mary-Sue. Most of this chapter describes how 'hott' she looks. I realize this is probably really her story, but Obi-Wan is in it too, so he deserves more than just wearing golden shorts.
Honestly... I think your plotline could use some work. It sounds obvious that wearing slave outfits is just an excuse to get Obi-Wan and Bar-Ma in bed together. Try to make the plot flow more, you know? Make it more believable, more... possible. Enhance the 'suspension of disbelief' factor.
Other than that, nice second chapter =)
2PhlootyHaha, I like when Bar-Ma calls Obi-Wan "Obi." Cute.
Still make sure you're adding enough paragraphs. Make sure you start a new one whenever someone new is talking.
Try to describe Obi-Wan as much as you describe Bar-Ma. Talking about how she looks so beautiful and then just saying that Obi-Wan is wearing golden shorts makes her sound like a Mary-Sue. Most of this chapter describes how 'hott' she looks. I realize this is probably really her story, but Obi-Wan is in it too, so he deserves more than just wearing golden shorts.
Honestly... I think your plotline could use some work. It sounds obvious that wearing slave outfits is just an excuse to get Obi-Wan and Bar-Ma in bed together. Try to make the plot flow more, you know? Make it more believable, more... possible. Enhance the 'suspension of disbelief' factor.
Other than that, nice second chapter =)
6/8/2007 c1 4Mrs.Moony86
Oh this looks like it is going to be interesting. I can't wait to see what you have planned! And don't apologize for your writing. If someone doesn’t like it they don't have to read it!
Love ya,
LMM
4Mrs.Moony86Oh this looks like it is going to be interesting. I can't wait to see what you have planned! And don't apologize for your writing. If someone doesn’t like it they don't have to read it!
Love ya,
LMM
6/7/2007 c1 2Phlooty
Hi. I think you need to do a bit more research on the SW universe before you write this story. There are some misspellings and things that just aren't Star-Wars-y.
-In Qui-Gon Jin, the Jin should be Jinn.
-Coriscant should be Coruscant.
-Woomp Rats should be just womp rats.
The fight between Obi-Wan and Bar-Ma is just... well... no. Padawans are raised peacefully and taught to accept losing and be generally mellow people. It's way, way, way ooc to have two mature Jedi fight like that.
The format of your story is pretty off - I think that might have been a technical error or something. But remember to have more paragraphs.
Remember to start a new one whenever:
a)Someone new is speaking. This is a biggie.
b)You are describing something/someone else.
c)Your characters are doing something else.
d)Time has passed.
Examples:
a) "Are you an angel?" Anakin asked.
Looking up, Padme said, "What?"
b) Qui-Gon had shoulder-length brown hair, which was streaked with gray. He was a tall man, powerfully built.
Obi-Wan, his apprentice, was shorter. His dark hair was cropped in the Padawan style, with a braid behind his right ear.
c) Padme finished watching the small figure of Sio Bibble.
Turning and seeing Anakin, she said, "Are you alright?"
d)"I'm not sure," Qui-Gon said, cutting of the transmission with a sigh.
The next morning, the morning of the podrace, was a hectic one.
That's all for my criticism. I like Bar-Ma's name; very StarWars-esque and creative. You also have a very clear and direct way of writing, making things easy to follow and understand.
I'll be watching for an update =)
2PhlootyHi. I think you need to do a bit more research on the SW universe before you write this story. There are some misspellings and things that just aren't Star-Wars-y.
-In Qui-Gon Jin, the Jin should be Jinn.
-Coriscant should be Coruscant.
-Woomp Rats should be just womp rats.
The fight between Obi-Wan and Bar-Ma is just... well... no. Padawans are raised peacefully and taught to accept losing and be generally mellow people. It's way, way, way ooc to have two mature Jedi fight like that.
The format of your story is pretty off - I think that might have been a technical error or something. But remember to have more paragraphs.
Remember to start a new one whenever:
a)Someone new is speaking. This is a biggie.
b)You are describing something/someone else.
c)Your characters are doing something else.
d)Time has passed.
Examples:
a) "Are you an angel?" Anakin asked.
Looking up, Padme said, "What?"
b) Qui-Gon had shoulder-length brown hair, which was streaked with gray. He was a tall man, powerfully built.
Obi-Wan, his apprentice, was shorter. His dark hair was cropped in the Padawan style, with a braid behind his right ear.
c) Padme finished watching the small figure of Sio Bibble.
Turning and seeing Anakin, she said, "Are you alright?"
d)"I'm not sure," Qui-Gon said, cutting of the transmission with a sigh.
The next morning, the morning of the podrace, was a hectic one.
That's all for my criticism. I like Bar-Ma's name; very StarWars-esque and creative. You also have a very clear and direct way of writing, making things easy to follow and understand.
I'll be watching for an update =)