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for The Bird Born From The Sand

9/3/2007 c2 5Ominous-Shadow
Again, I'd suggest more details, background info, and smoother, more natural flowing character communication.

Also, I noticed a bit of mixed up wording, which stops the smooth flow of a story. For example:

("Sorry, Tori-chan" he says a little more loud.)

Instead of that, you could have ("Sorry, Tori-chan," He said a bit louder)

Other than that, I've don't have much else to say, as everything's already been said in the first review I left ^_^

Anyway, hope you continue to grow and improve with your stories, I wish you the best of luck! ^_^b
9/3/2007 c1 Ominous-Shadow
Ah, poor lil' Gaara T_T Makes me sad that he was treated so horribly.

Anyway, I'm liking your idea so far, but I'd suggest adding more detail to it. I'd also suggest adding more background information. Like, having explanations and descriptions of the origin of the children's fear of Gaara, and having more emotion explained on Gaara's part, etc. Having more of that, if it flows nicely through the story, will give the reader more of a way to connect to the story and it's characters on an emotional level.

Another thing, I'd suggest would be to watch out during character communication. You've done a nice job, but it's not flowing as smoothly as normal speech would; it almost seems a bit forced.

Hope my critique helps you out at all.

Now, I shall read on to chapter 2, and I'll leave you another review ^_^b

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