for Equus10/19/2007 c1 Hallows07
I like this one plz do write more. Great work keep it up byes and smiles for you!
I like this one plz do write more. Great work keep it up byes and smiles for you!
8/20/2007 c1 R. Zancan
Taradactyl,
I want to start by saying that I *do* like your story (even if I am not to happy about the prospect of Legolas coming in and stealing Haldir's woman, hmph!) and that some of the lines in your story have put a genuinely smile on my face, they're so typically Haldir (^_^) and I'm not in the best of moods and for that I thank you.
But now I don't want you to take what I say next personally (I normally flame people and I have no idea what response I'm going to get) there are some things wrong with your story, but you said you were open for suggestions so here they are;
There are some slip ups, Adelia says 'had miss him greatly', this should obviously be 'had missed him'. You can change this easily, just by altering your original word doc and then switching chapters.
Secondly, sometimes the POV in the story switches and that can be jarring. Classic example; "I asked, trying to make the most out of the silence. Adelia was used to it," You see? This goes from first person to narrative. It would be better if you stuck to the 'Adelia said, Adelia did this/that', but that's just my personal opinion I think stories are better like that ;)
Thirldy, stick to a language! If you think about it when the elves are amongst themselves they would speak their own language to one another all the time, they would not switch from, in this case, English to Sindarin. But obviously you can't write all your dialogue in Sindarin, that would be very complicated, so do what most people do; put it all in English. I know that adding things like 'hiril nin' makes it more realistic but at the same time it makes it less so, because it implies that the elves switch languages. While I'm more than happy to see that you have put in the effort to find these phrases it's not helped by the fact that afterwards you have to put the English in with brackets. Again, this can pull a reader out of the fic.
One more thing that just occured to me, at the beginning of the fic it sounded like Haldir was practicing with his brothers, there would have been practicing fields for that, where it's safe to do so. Perhaps if you implied they were just larking about, or it was just them having a bit of fun as oppose to serious training this one could get by.
'young elleth, “Yes and no.“ '
Here there are some quotation mark mistakes and the 'yes' should not be capitalized, it doesn't follow a period. 'young elleth, "yes and no."
"Elvin outsiders"
Oh my God, no no no! Elven, ELVEN! On a good note I am glad you acknowledged the fac that Mirkwood elves were considered outsiders, and the two groups never interacted. But I dont think you can say the same for Rivendell, I mean there are strong ties between Rivendell and Lothlorien, Arwen visited Lothlorien and I imagine she didn't come alone. But the Lothlorien elves did regard the Mirkwood elves as outsiders, they did not have much to do with each other and indeed it was... incredibly rare for the Mirkwood elves to be in Lothlorien, certainly too rare for them to be drawn there by whatever these celebrations are.
'It shall be hard to even get a clear look at you considering all the young males will be attracted by to your beauty.”'
I can feel myself slipping. I thought Haldir never showed much affection? He just called her beautiful, I really hate to say it but this is a bit mary-sue, I REALLY hate to say it, because I was liking this, not to say I dislike it now, but there are changes that could be made. It would not take much to make this a really great fic.
“Hah! I’m so sure! Do not poke fun at me!”
I cannot imagine an elleth talking like this. It was starting out really well, the way you wrote Haldir, then towards the end I found myself doing a double take. Like, I thought you said he was non-talkative? Now suddenly he is playful and flirtacious.
I still like your fic, though. Please don't be offended by my comments I'm just being honest, there are many good things about your story, many. I like how you've researched things, the bit about the flower that was native only to Lothlorien, your general use of words.
I'm going to send you a PM, becuase I'm forward like that.
I hope you take in some of what I've said, at least about the silly mistakes there are, it's stupid to have those in there when they're usually just things that slip through when you proofread it, no worries, every one does it.
Rachael.
Taradactyl,
I want to start by saying that I *do* like your story (even if I am not to happy about the prospect of Legolas coming in and stealing Haldir's woman, hmph!) and that some of the lines in your story have put a genuinely smile on my face, they're so typically Haldir (^_^) and I'm not in the best of moods and for that I thank you.
But now I don't want you to take what I say next personally (I normally flame people and I have no idea what response I'm going to get) there are some things wrong with your story, but you said you were open for suggestions so here they are;
There are some slip ups, Adelia says 'had miss him greatly', this should obviously be 'had missed him'. You can change this easily, just by altering your original word doc and then switching chapters.
Secondly, sometimes the POV in the story switches and that can be jarring. Classic example; "I asked, trying to make the most out of the silence. Adelia was used to it," You see? This goes from first person to narrative. It would be better if you stuck to the 'Adelia said, Adelia did this/that', but that's just my personal opinion I think stories are better like that ;)
Thirldy, stick to a language! If you think about it when the elves are amongst themselves they would speak their own language to one another all the time, they would not switch from, in this case, English to Sindarin. But obviously you can't write all your dialogue in Sindarin, that would be very complicated, so do what most people do; put it all in English. I know that adding things like 'hiril nin' makes it more realistic but at the same time it makes it less so, because it implies that the elves switch languages. While I'm more than happy to see that you have put in the effort to find these phrases it's not helped by the fact that afterwards you have to put the English in with brackets. Again, this can pull a reader out of the fic.
One more thing that just occured to me, at the beginning of the fic it sounded like Haldir was practicing with his brothers, there would have been practicing fields for that, where it's safe to do so. Perhaps if you implied they were just larking about, or it was just them having a bit of fun as oppose to serious training this one could get by.
'young elleth, “Yes and no.“ '
Here there are some quotation mark mistakes and the 'yes' should not be capitalized, it doesn't follow a period. 'young elleth, "yes and no."
"Elvin outsiders"
Oh my God, no no no! Elven, ELVEN! On a good note I am glad you acknowledged the fac that Mirkwood elves were considered outsiders, and the two groups never interacted. But I dont think you can say the same for Rivendell, I mean there are strong ties between Rivendell and Lothlorien, Arwen visited Lothlorien and I imagine she didn't come alone. But the Lothlorien elves did regard the Mirkwood elves as outsiders, they did not have much to do with each other and indeed it was... incredibly rare for the Mirkwood elves to be in Lothlorien, certainly too rare for them to be drawn there by whatever these celebrations are.
'It shall be hard to even get a clear look at you considering all the young males will be attracted by to your beauty.”'
I can feel myself slipping. I thought Haldir never showed much affection? He just called her beautiful, I really hate to say it but this is a bit mary-sue, I REALLY hate to say it, because I was liking this, not to say I dislike it now, but there are changes that could be made. It would not take much to make this a really great fic.
“Hah! I’m so sure! Do not poke fun at me!”
I cannot imagine an elleth talking like this. It was starting out really well, the way you wrote Haldir, then towards the end I found myself doing a double take. Like, I thought you said he was non-talkative? Now suddenly he is playful and flirtacious.
I still like your fic, though. Please don't be offended by my comments I'm just being honest, there are many good things about your story, many. I like how you've researched things, the bit about the flower that was native only to Lothlorien, your general use of words.
I'm going to send you a PM, becuase I'm forward like that.
I hope you take in some of what I've said, at least about the silly mistakes there are, it's stupid to have those in there when they're usually just things that slip through when you proofread it, no worries, every one does it.
Rachael.
8/15/2007 c1 Sparkleberry
Oh I like it! I would really like to see how this all turns out. PLEASE update soon!
Oh I like it! I would really like to see how this all turns out. PLEASE update soon!
8/5/2007 c1 
45Ponytail Goddess
This is very nice so far and looks like it will be a great story. Your descriptions are beautiful in this. I noticed you don't have any other fics posted here. Is this your first fic? If so, it's quite good for a beginning effort. My only suggestion would be to put the elvish translations on the bottom of the page, rather than beside the words, and try not to use to much, as it can be a turn-off in my opinion. Other than that, keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing more of this fic.
-P.G.
45Ponytail GoddessThis is very nice so far and looks like it will be a great story. Your descriptions are beautiful in this. I noticed you don't have any other fics posted here. Is this your first fic? If so, it's quite good for a beginning effort. My only suggestion would be to put the elvish translations on the bottom of the page, rather than beside the words, and try not to use to much, as it can be a turn-off in my opinion. Other than that, keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing more of this fic.
-P.G.