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6/26/2014 c2 Katie
This is an amazing chapter pure poetry!
8/27/2010 c8 4azooozi
This was so awesome! You have to continue this!
7/13/2009 c8 9Meeshi
wow this is really good.

your char is chaotic good yes? i mean mine are always that and it kinda sounds like it with you.

but yeah please continue, im gonna fav this :D
4/20/2008 c8 4Cro-Magnon
Great juxtaposition between the present of the battle and the rose-tinted – at least from Gina’s perspective – memories of the past. I suspect that due to this, she decided to spare his life in the end.

Some critique though, “The quill in her hand screeched against paper as she wrote the words of a spell, her expression one of absolute focus. Once she finished, she carefully put down the quill and looked up at him expectantly.” I would suggest you visit Candlekeep and read some of Ed Greenwood’s lore about the subjects of ‘paper’, ‘ink’ and ‘writing scrolls’. A bit of modern life slipped into your otherwise great chapter there. Unfortunately, that breaking of the suspension of disbelief was jarring enough for me that I had to comment about it.

Apart from that, and again a few minor grammar errors, this has really spoiled your readers with a lot of detail about Gina; something that had to a large extent been missing before now. This has gone from something I merely read, to something I put on my watch list, to one of my favourites. Keep up the good work!
4/18/2008 c7 Cro-Magnon
Chapter 6:- a wonderful, near perfect and frivolous chapter. You managed in this chapter to show Gina as merely irreverent and irrepressible, rather than Sue-ish. That said, some rather blatant errors like “toasts”, “long dusted box”, “but once she wore”, “heat rising up deep inside” and “gracefully as she managed” detracted from this. One small point of contention was the following:

“It… belonged to your mother,” Duncan said softly.

“Esmerelle?” Gina asked, breathless.

I feel you would have made that read a lot more sympathetic and personal to Gina, had you simply changed the order around of who called her mother Esmerelle. A subtle change, but often we have to be subtle too.

Chapter 7:- I happen to like cheesecake, lemon, with a dash of lime. I happen to like what-ifs and subtlety and you writing from Bishop’s point of view. Four small errors, namely “him, its tone warning”, “castle Bishop allowed himself”, “Unexpectedly to him” and “there, her should make”. Great use of Marcus’ prophecy and later talk to Gina to rattle Bishop. Masterful use of Gina’s closed eyes to make him wonder if she was testing him or just… “My strategy is to kill that twit” was a stroke of genius. Was he referring to Lorne still or to Casavir? The scene in the temple read almost like a spy novel, with bluffs and counter-bluffs, truths, half-truths and the imminent threat of immediate and deadly force. Bravo!

Overall, two great back-to-back chapters. I am on the verge of including this in my list of favourites, but have to read and review your mammoth Chapter 8 first.
4/15/2008 c5 Cro-Magnon
Catching up to this one, so excuse the back-to-back reviews.

Chapter 4:- a solid chapter. Using Bishop’s point of view works well for you. The battle was well choreographed, but be careful, as Gina sometimes comes across as the dreaded Mary-Sue. Not a scratch from the battle? I doubt that very much.

Chapter 5:- very good use of the tension between Bishop and Gina. Again using Bishop’s point of view to your advantage, so I would argue that you keep doing that. One major error though is Sand’s use of a teleport scroll. He is a transmuter and can therefore not use or cast any spells of the conjuration school. Again some research or double-checking would have prevented the error. A much better description of donning armour than in the pillow talk chapter.

In general, I am not exactly sure if I like or care about Gina. She oftentimes comes across on the border of Sue-ism. In contrast, your handling of Bishop is superb, and cameos by the other companions mostly in character. To be honest, at this point I am reading this for Bishop and not Gina. Is that good or bad?
4/15/2008 c3 Cro-Magnon
Chapter 1:- a little bit of a fluffy and bumbling start, but definitely not awful. The only true critique is the use of the word “minutes”, but that is just a personal peeve when I read Realms fiction.

Chapter 2:- great use of Bishop’s point of view and even better the fact that Karnwyr does indeed not like the PC. Having said that, the catlike Gina premise seems a little bit like a forced device to explain/allude to the tension between Bishop and her. Perhaps you could have explained it better. Very brave use of the word “f-u-c-ked” at the very end, since that is exactly how Bishop would view sex. Just as we start liking the ranger, he pushes us away with something like that.

Chapter 3:- very good use of making Malin and Gina cut from the same thread. Often writers will alienate the reader from Malin in order to substantiate the relationship between Bishop and the PC. It was good to see you not following that cliché. That’s where I would have stopped. The girl talk, was at best campy, at worst filled with too many plot holes or unexplained items. Also, please review the chapter for grammar and spelling errors. Lastly, the ladies would have been loosening ties and straps on each other’s armour, not their own.

On the whole you have bursts and swathes of brilliance, but you often defeat those with errors. Some research and more importantly, explaining things you simply drop into the narrative will go a long way towards improving this tale.
3/18/2008 c8 7Saturnian Blonde
I don't know if this chapter could possibly have been written better. I absolutely was astounded at the emotion and feeling that it conveyed, how well the cut-scenes blended into the fight, and the ending? MAN! Absolutely wonderful writing, those last few paragraphs will be staying with me for quite some time. KUDOS!
12/30/2007 c7 5Sticksie
Really excellent chapter! The opening with Bishop took my breath away, WOW! The image of Bishop with Marcus was very powerful. The way you dealt with the trial was refreshing too, nice treatment.

The anticipation between Gina and Bishop is swealtering, I need a cold shower and nothing has happened (yet, I'm assuming). This chapter was worth the wait! Well done! I can' wait for more!

(now where's my cheesecake?) ;-)
12/30/2007 c7 9Shadow-Flower-76
Love this story

aw Gina and Bishop were almost there, but it's definately worth waiting for. Happy New Year!
12/28/2007 c7 7swimhard2787
Yay, an update! And this one was an amazing chapter!

I have to agree with Kaana, I really liked the detail at the beginning, with everyone handing over their weapons. I loved Bishop's reaction too, with his chuckling to himself about the dagger in his other boot.

I really liked the interaction with Marcus too, I think that was really well done, and Bishop, at the end, sent shivers up my spine, you captured him so well!

Do update soon! And don't worry, I don't need cheesecake, though it would be tasty... :D
12/28/2007 c7 Kaana Moonshadow
That was just another excellent chapter! I really liked Bishop's interaction with Markus - that dialogue was very well written, and I'm dying to know what the ranger will do now.

I'm a sucker for all the little details in a story, so I really liked the scene where he had to leave his weapons at the entrance - ah, Bishop! :D

I'm looking forward to your next chapter... and, hmm, I think I'd like a Bishop-shaped cake as well. ;P

12/27/2007 c7 9femensqueterror
-gets off lazy butt and decides to review something for a change-

Yo Darthy! You take longer than me to update, just kidding. Great chapter I have to say. The whole Marcus foresight scene was brilliant, like it really opens a door to a new world of problems that poor Bishie has to face (if he doesn't have enough of them already). And Casavir spoiling everyone's fun...

I would like a Bishop shaped chessecake please, though I would never eat it...
11/14/2007 c6 7swimhard2787
After fighting my way past bad weather, power outages, and downed internet servers, I can FINALLY review this wonderful chapter!

I have to agree with Sticksie, this chapter was definitely worth the wait! The banter with Sand, Neeshka and Shandra was thoroughly enjoyable, and I loved the backstory of the dress. It's wonderfully bittersweet. I also adored how Gina doesn't like wearing dresses, :D

The tension with Bishop was amazing, again. It makes me want to smack him upside the head and go "Do something," but that's the mark of good tension, :) Do keep it up, I can't wait to read more!
11/11/2007 c6 twisteddot
woham this one was very amusing, love the story and the way you handle with writing, and that humorous tone. can't wait to read more! when shall we see next part? ;)
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