for The life of Sara Sidle9/4/2007 c1 
39devilssmile666
Okay, I'm reviewing for the first chapter right now, as you requested. I've got nothing better to do right now, so I figured I'd review! You're idea is really good for this fic, but here are a few pointers:
First off, you should try to make the paragraphs a bit easier to read. It's difficult to read when the paragraphs are really long. Also, when one person is speaking, they get their own paragraph. For example, if Nick it talking, then you want Warrick to comment, add a new paragraph. It makes it a lot easier for us to read what you wrote, and makes it less confusing. Also, if you're describing something/describing the character's actions or whatever (you get my point), they get their own paragraph.
Second: Please, please, please promise me that you'll work on your grammar. There were quite a few grammatical/spelling errors, which gets kind of annoying if you're like me!:D I won't list them all because MC New York listed most of them. To help you with that, you may want to get a beta, or read it aloud before you post it. That way you can catch the mistakes before you post it on here.
Third: Try to add more details to your writing. For example, use what the characters are thinking; describe their actions; show their emotions; et cetera. Basically, try to make it like a mini-movie. For example, you said that they found a note while cleaning out Sara's apartment...show was the note said, that way we aren't left asking, "Well...?" Something you can do while you revise your stories before posting them is read over it and ask yourself "And then what?", "Well...?", "What...?", et cetera. If you can answer one of these questions, you need to add something.
Fourth: Try to work on the characterization. I didn't really feel the connection with Sara. Trust me, it gets easier as you go!:D Even I still have a few storys that are OOC (Out of Character), but you'll get the hang of it.
Well, that's about it for this chapter. Give me a few minutes and I should have a review for the next chapter up. I'll then read your other story, per request. I hope I wasn't too hard...I just want to make you a better writer!:D
39devilssmile666Okay, I'm reviewing for the first chapter right now, as you requested. I've got nothing better to do right now, so I figured I'd review! You're idea is really good for this fic, but here are a few pointers:
First off, you should try to make the paragraphs a bit easier to read. It's difficult to read when the paragraphs are really long. Also, when one person is speaking, they get their own paragraph. For example, if Nick it talking, then you want Warrick to comment, add a new paragraph. It makes it a lot easier for us to read what you wrote, and makes it less confusing. Also, if you're describing something/describing the character's actions or whatever (you get my point), they get their own paragraph.
Second: Please, please, please promise me that you'll work on your grammar. There were quite a few grammatical/spelling errors, which gets kind of annoying if you're like me!:D I won't list them all because MC New York listed most of them. To help you with that, you may want to get a beta, or read it aloud before you post it. That way you can catch the mistakes before you post it on here.
Third: Try to add more details to your writing. For example, use what the characters are thinking; describe their actions; show their emotions; et cetera. Basically, try to make it like a mini-movie. For example, you said that they found a note while cleaning out Sara's apartment...show was the note said, that way we aren't left asking, "Well...?" Something you can do while you revise your stories before posting them is read over it and ask yourself "And then what?", "Well...?", "What...?", et cetera. If you can answer one of these questions, you need to add something.
Fourth: Try to work on the characterization. I didn't really feel the connection with Sara. Trust me, it gets easier as you go!:D Even I still have a few storys that are OOC (Out of Character), but you'll get the hang of it.
Well, that's about it for this chapter. Give me a few minutes and I should have a review for the next chapter up. I'll then read your other story, per request. I hope I wasn't too hard...I just want to make you a better writer!:D
8/30/2007 c1 11PunkxValentine
Hey this is MC New York dropping in...
And I feel the need to give this warning with almost every review I give to people because I am a critique and I like to speak the truth. Now that the formalities are done...
I think this is a good story. The plot is certainly common, but sincerely, every single plot line has been done at LEAST a hundred times over. It's all in how you go about it that makes it interesting. But there's some things you could've shaped up on. Wanna hear them?
1.) Make paragraphs to make it easier to read.
- In the first paragraph, it was all meshed together and made it hard to read for my part. Everyone knows paragraphs separate thoughts and such, or use it for emphasis, so on and so forth. There were a few spots where I thought a new paragraph could've been made. Especially when there was actual speech. I understood it after a few re-reads, but it wasn't clear at first.
2.) Spell Check
-I saw a LOT of grammatical and spelling errors, and places where you didn't finish words or it just didn't fit. For example: [Being 15 and could drive, with a licensed driver, and also a crack head he was lately being a jerk for no reason.] To be a little more legible, it could've been written in this manner. [Being 15 and able to drive - albeit with a licensed driver - he was also a crack head who was becoming a jerk for no obvious reason.] Things like that and, [” What are we still doing out he cant you open the door or are you that stupid”]. I think what you MEANT to say was, ["What are we still doing out HERE? Can't you open the door or are you that stupid?"] Punctuation is key, my fellow author. =)
3.) In character
- A sticky and tough thing to capture for a LOT of people, so don't feel bad. I have trouble with it from time to time (okay, every single second I write) and I know of a lot of reputable authors/authoresses who share the problem. But you have some work to do. I didn't feel the Sara vibe as I read her rendition of her life. In the beginning when she's being sarcastic, I didn't "hear" her saying it. (Yes I'm strange... I hear the character's voice in my head when things are in-character. Don't worry! I'm sane minded! *Cough* I hope.) Hopefully you understand what I mean by my previous sentence. And as soon as I realized that the entire first paragraph was a suicide note, it was also out-of-character on how she wrote it. Even in the last paragraph, I wasn't picking up on any of the characters... Not Grissom, not Nick, not Brass. But it's like I said, it's tough to keep people in character. It's all about knowing the character - personality, preferences, history, mentality, attitude, reactions. If you want tips on how to do this, just message me or e-mail or whatever.
4.) Details...
-...are the icing on the cake. The plot is the cake itself, but the details are what make it good (in theory) and your readers are like little kids. Too little of the "icing" and the "normal" kids won't like it; Too much and the "normal" kids will get sick from it after a while. Point is, details - inventive details - make the story more interesting, keep the reader locked. You could've gone deeper into the team's feelings, beside the speech. In the flashback, you could've described the scene in detail to enhance the feeling of tension and dread... Describe a malicious look the gunmens' eyes, describe the time period it took to obtain the hostages, or just plain more depth/detail to the flashback. From the moment the gunmen enter to when Sara would've lost consciousness. That would add to the length of the story, which is also something readers like. But detail and description wise, there's a rule of thumb in the "professional" creative writing world that they stress in college. "Show, don't tell." Get what I'm saying?
And that's all I have to say, criticism wise. I think this could've been a nice introduction to a multi-chaptered story, or at least a well lengthed one shot. If there's any criticism you're confused about or don't agree with, just message me or something. Or even if you want some help on how to better you're writing style. Not like I'm the best there is, but I could either help you tone your style, or direct you to much better authors/authoresses that could make you a Grade A writer. I'm gonna say what my English/Creative Writing teacher always tells me: "Writing literature, no matter what genre, can be rewarding and fun, but it's also a Hell of a lot of work. If it's coming too easy or its boring, you're either not doing it right or are some kind of writing God. And since you aren't immortal, that only leaves one option." (Had to finish the quote. Would've left it off at the first sentence, but I like the ending. =P)
I believe this is an extremely long review. Almost too long. But on an ending note, I'd like to apologize if anything I said offended you in any way. (I get a lot of people that are easily upset by criticism and I always feel bad because I'm just doing my "job". Not trying to be mean.)
I'm off to read you're other story, as requested. =)
Peace out, one love,
MC New York
11PunkxValentineHey this is MC New York dropping in...
And I feel the need to give this warning with almost every review I give to people because I am a critique and I like to speak the truth. Now that the formalities are done...
I think this is a good story. The plot is certainly common, but sincerely, every single plot line has been done at LEAST a hundred times over. It's all in how you go about it that makes it interesting. But there's some things you could've shaped up on. Wanna hear them?
1.) Make paragraphs to make it easier to read.
- In the first paragraph, it was all meshed together and made it hard to read for my part. Everyone knows paragraphs separate thoughts and such, or use it for emphasis, so on and so forth. There were a few spots where I thought a new paragraph could've been made. Especially when there was actual speech. I understood it after a few re-reads, but it wasn't clear at first.
2.) Spell Check
-I saw a LOT of grammatical and spelling errors, and places where you didn't finish words or it just didn't fit. For example: [Being 15 and could drive, with a licensed driver, and also a crack head he was lately being a jerk for no reason.] To be a little more legible, it could've been written in this manner. [Being 15 and able to drive - albeit with a licensed driver - he was also a crack head who was becoming a jerk for no obvious reason.] Things like that and, [” What are we still doing out he cant you open the door or are you that stupid”]. I think what you MEANT to say was, ["What are we still doing out HERE? Can't you open the door or are you that stupid?"] Punctuation is key, my fellow author. =)
3.) In character
- A sticky and tough thing to capture for a LOT of people, so don't feel bad. I have trouble with it from time to time (okay, every single second I write) and I know of a lot of reputable authors/authoresses who share the problem. But you have some work to do. I didn't feel the Sara vibe as I read her rendition of her life. In the beginning when she's being sarcastic, I didn't "hear" her saying it. (Yes I'm strange... I hear the character's voice in my head when things are in-character. Don't worry! I'm sane minded! *Cough* I hope.) Hopefully you understand what I mean by my previous sentence. And as soon as I realized that the entire first paragraph was a suicide note, it was also out-of-character on how she wrote it. Even in the last paragraph, I wasn't picking up on any of the characters... Not Grissom, not Nick, not Brass. But it's like I said, it's tough to keep people in character. It's all about knowing the character - personality, preferences, history, mentality, attitude, reactions. If you want tips on how to do this, just message me or e-mail or whatever.
4.) Details...
-...are the icing on the cake. The plot is the cake itself, but the details are what make it good (in theory) and your readers are like little kids. Too little of the "icing" and the "normal" kids won't like it; Too much and the "normal" kids will get sick from it after a while. Point is, details - inventive details - make the story more interesting, keep the reader locked. You could've gone deeper into the team's feelings, beside the speech. In the flashback, you could've described the scene in detail to enhance the feeling of tension and dread... Describe a malicious look the gunmens' eyes, describe the time period it took to obtain the hostages, or just plain more depth/detail to the flashback. From the moment the gunmen enter to when Sara would've lost consciousness. That would add to the length of the story, which is also something readers like. But detail and description wise, there's a rule of thumb in the "professional" creative writing world that they stress in college. "Show, don't tell." Get what I'm saying?
And that's all I have to say, criticism wise. I think this could've been a nice introduction to a multi-chaptered story, or at least a well lengthed one shot. If there's any criticism you're confused about or don't agree with, just message me or something. Or even if you want some help on how to better you're writing style. Not like I'm the best there is, but I could either help you tone your style, or direct you to much better authors/authoresses that could make you a Grade A writer. I'm gonna say what my English/Creative Writing teacher always tells me: "Writing literature, no matter what genre, can be rewarding and fun, but it's also a Hell of a lot of work. If it's coming too easy or its boring, you're either not doing it right or are some kind of writing God. And since you aren't immortal, that only leaves one option." (Had to finish the quote. Would've left it off at the first sentence, but I like the ending. =P)
I believe this is an extremely long review. Almost too long. But on an ending note, I'd like to apologize if anything I said offended you in any way. (I get a lot of people that are easily upset by criticism and I always feel bad because I'm just doing my "job". Not trying to be mean.)
I'm off to read you're other story, as requested. =)
Peace out, one love,
MC New York