for His Worst nightmare9/4/2007 c1 
39devilssmile666
Okay, I'm review per your request.
Firstly: Youre spelling/grammar had goten SO much better then the other story I read!:D Did you get a beta? Also, you're paragraph sructure is AMAZING! It's a lot easier to read/understand. Anyways, I'll continue.
Second: Why is it Sandle? GSR is SO much better!:P Just kidding, I won't hold it against you!:)
Okay, this story's characterization is much better than the other CSI story.
As I said earlier, try to add more details. Get into the other character's minds'. Yes, I know the main focus was on Greg and Sara, but it wouldn't hurt to have a paragraph or two that shows what the other CSIs are thinking, how they're coping, if they feel any emotions, etc.
This story felt a little rushed...does that make sense? Try to lengthen it a bit by doing as I suggested above. Also, it would make this story a lot better if you would've had a flash-back of the attack.
Well, that's it. This story is a hell of a lot better than your other one (please, don't take any offence!) I see a lot of pontential in your writing...just keep up the practice and you'll do very well.
~devilssmile6
P.S - I also agree with MC New York about the rating. You don't need it to be M just because you said "Make love to him". This could easily pass as a T...it could even slide by for a K+!:D
39devilssmile666Okay, I'm review per your request.
Firstly: Youre spelling/grammar had goten SO much better then the other story I read!:D Did you get a beta? Also, you're paragraph sructure is AMAZING! It's a lot easier to read/understand. Anyways, I'll continue.
Second: Why is it Sandle? GSR is SO much better!:P Just kidding, I won't hold it against you!:)
Okay, this story's characterization is much better than the other CSI story.
As I said earlier, try to add more details. Get into the other character's minds'. Yes, I know the main focus was on Greg and Sara, but it wouldn't hurt to have a paragraph or two that shows what the other CSIs are thinking, how they're coping, if they feel any emotions, etc.
This story felt a little rushed...does that make sense? Try to lengthen it a bit by doing as I suggested above. Also, it would make this story a lot better if you would've had a flash-back of the attack.
Well, that's it. This story is a hell of a lot better than your other one (please, don't take any offence!) I see a lot of pontential in your writing...just keep up the practice and you'll do very well.
~devilssmile6
P.S - I also agree with MC New York about the rating. You don't need it to be M just because you said "Make love to him". This could easily pass as a T...it could even slide by for a K+!:D
8/30/2007 c1 11PunkxValentine
Being unbiased about the romance subject (Sandle... Sorry, GSR lover here) I liked this story. Again, plot is common, but also again, what plot isn't that isn't a completely cracked out plot line that makes no sense except to the writer? Length could be just a tad bit longer. The paragraph form is great, MUCH easier to read & understand.
And I just realized what I was attempting to say last review about the details... It's very detached. It's not centered on one person or really going into the person. I mean, yes, you talked about Greg and Sara, but you didn't seem to really dig deep for it... I dunno. That probably made NO sense to you, but I pray you partially understand because I can't describe it any other way. It felt... narrator-ish. 2nd person POV almost. But you switch between 3rd & 2nd person like a bad liar changes his stories.
But other than that, I liked the story. Again, I saw longer potential in it, but then again I always do for nearly every short story. =) Keep working at writing. No one can be perfect, but you can get damn near close to it...
Peace out, one love,
MC New York
P.S. Why is this rated M? I fail to see the mature content in this story. It's T at the most. Oh oh oh, I see... I think. Is it because you said "make love"? *Laughs* If that's it, then don't worry about rating it M. I've seen worse under T rated. =) Two little words that give a more passionate term for sex are nothing to worry about. Just thought I'd let you know.
11PunkxValentineBeing unbiased about the romance subject (Sandle... Sorry, GSR lover here) I liked this story. Again, plot is common, but also again, what plot isn't that isn't a completely cracked out plot line that makes no sense except to the writer? Length could be just a tad bit longer. The paragraph form is great, MUCH easier to read & understand.
And I just realized what I was attempting to say last review about the details... It's very detached. It's not centered on one person or really going into the person. I mean, yes, you talked about Greg and Sara, but you didn't seem to really dig deep for it... I dunno. That probably made NO sense to you, but I pray you partially understand because I can't describe it any other way. It felt... narrator-ish. 2nd person POV almost. But you switch between 3rd & 2nd person like a bad liar changes his stories.
But other than that, I liked the story. Again, I saw longer potential in it, but then again I always do for nearly every short story. =) Keep working at writing. No one can be perfect, but you can get damn near close to it...
Peace out, one love,
MC New York
P.S. Why is this rated M? I fail to see the mature content in this story. It's T at the most. Oh oh oh, I see... I think. Is it because you said "make love"? *Laughs* If that's it, then don't worry about rating it M. I've seen worse under T rated. =) Two little words that give a more passionate term for sex are nothing to worry about. Just thought I'd let you know.