for Not Just A Normal Day5/12/2014 c1 Rinaangstadt
Alright, I have a bit to tell you so just please read with care. First off I'd like to say that this story contains a lot of text type spelling, which would be okay if it was such a story. But there was a few things I'd like to really point out to you. One being that you rarely placed comma's or periods in this, I read the reviews for this before I read this story and I got to say that those who have pointed that out are 110% correct on it. You need to revise this and place proper punctuation in this or you'll get flames up the ass...And no one needs that. I know that when I began to write things out it started out like this too. But I've become a better writer in the process due to many people helping me along the way. So I'm going to help you out as well. Now the next thing is you need to have the story be a tad bit more descriptive. If you don't know how to be that way I can give you hints on how to make it seem more discriptive without it being overly rated. I've curved a lot of my writing and it's been a very great thing since being on this site. Now, the next thing is the pairing, you have it as just Jaden...Which if you are going to make it like this, and having Zane be a part of it as the lover. Place him within the pairing box. That way people aren't guessing, it gives thim a clue on what they are about to read. Plus the PDA that they school has isn't a text one its a video type one so Jaden could have seen that he was going to see Zane unless you had it be that Zane had his face covered and his voice changed slightly. The last thing I want to point out is how you have when Jaden or Zane spoke. The only time you placed " _ " something like this down was towards the beginning. Then you stopped all of a sudden when you attempted to write Yaoi. Even the dialong there needs to have them around it. If you ever want me to help you edit this so you don't get flammed I'm more than happy to help you out. : ) Just message me back and I hope that you do. So I know that I'm not just being ignored.
Peace. Love. writing
Rinaangstadt
Alright, I have a bit to tell you so just please read with care. First off I'd like to say that this story contains a lot of text type spelling, which would be okay if it was such a story. But there was a few things I'd like to really point out to you. One being that you rarely placed comma's or periods in this, I read the reviews for this before I read this story and I got to say that those who have pointed that out are 110% correct on it. You need to revise this and place proper punctuation in this or you'll get flames up the ass...And no one needs that. I know that when I began to write things out it started out like this too. But I've become a better writer in the process due to many people helping me along the way. So I'm going to help you out as well. Now the next thing is you need to have the story be a tad bit more descriptive. If you don't know how to be that way I can give you hints on how to make it seem more discriptive without it being overly rated. I've curved a lot of my writing and it's been a very great thing since being on this site. Now, the next thing is the pairing, you have it as just Jaden...Which if you are going to make it like this, and having Zane be a part of it as the lover. Place him within the pairing box. That way people aren't guessing, it gives thim a clue on what they are about to read. Plus the PDA that they school has isn't a text one its a video type one so Jaden could have seen that he was going to see Zane unless you had it be that Zane had his face covered and his voice changed slightly. The last thing I want to point out is how you have when Jaden or Zane spoke. The only time you placed " _ " something like this down was towards the beginning. Then you stopped all of a sudden when you attempted to write Yaoi. Even the dialong there needs to have them around it. If you ever want me to help you edit this so you don't get flammed I'm more than happy to help you out. : ) Just message me back and I hope that you do. So I know that I'm not just being ignored.
Peace. Love. writing
Rinaangstadt
11/27/2008 c1 
1Magician Girl Mirani
Pretty good fic.
One thing though. Your sentences were like a mile long. It'd be IMPOSSIBLE to say one sentence in one breath.
1Magician Girl MiraniPretty good fic.
One thing though. Your sentences were like a mile long. It'd be IMPOSSIBLE to say one sentence in one breath.
7/1/2008 c1 65jafarjasmineforever2005
Hey good job and thanks for adding my slash story to your alert.
65jafarjasmineforever2005Hey good job and thanks for adding my slash story to your alert.
10/15/2007 c1 2Kurohyou Nightcat
Have u ever heard of punctuation? This was THE worst story I ever read. It was o good idea to begin with but u completely screwed it up. The whole plot was incredibly rushed even for a one-shot but the lemon, I nearly cried. I honestly never read a lemon so rushed, absolutely passionless and completely detail less. I mean u didn't even separate the phrases. Read a good lemon and compare it to yours. It's like a 4th grader's attempt to a erotic scene. Only it completely lakes erotica.
If u keep writing this way u better be prepared for allot of flames.
2Kurohyou NightcatHave u ever heard of punctuation? This was THE worst story I ever read. It was o good idea to begin with but u completely screwed it up. The whole plot was incredibly rushed even for a one-shot but the lemon, I nearly cried. I honestly never read a lemon so rushed, absolutely passionless and completely detail less. I mean u didn't even separate the phrases. Read a good lemon and compare it to yours. It's like a 4th grader's attempt to a erotic scene. Only it completely lakes erotica.
If u keep writing this way u better be prepared for allot of flames.