for Specks of Dust1/24/2008 c12 
4Kar-Vermin
Oodles of wonderfulness!
I know it's probably a minority view, but I love those "talky" chapters (it shows, huh?) where we get to dig a little deeper into the characters. Your dialogue here is Grade-A Prime stuff.
*...But even when she was there… when she died I was upset, but not that surprised. I just thought she’d danced away over the next hill the way it always seemed like she was going to. It wasn’t until later that I started to wonder why she never came back.’*
This is almost lyrical.
Once again, truegold shows us amatuers how it's all done!
4Kar-VerminOodles of wonderfulness!
I know it's probably a minority view, but I love those "talky" chapters (it shows, huh?) where we get to dig a little deeper into the characters. Your dialogue here is Grade-A Prime stuff.
*...But even when she was there… when she died I was upset, but not that surprised. I just thought she’d danced away over the next hill the way it always seemed like she was going to. It wasn’t until later that I started to wonder why she never came back.’*
This is almost lyrical.
Once again, truegold shows us amatuers how it's all done!
1/24/2008 c12 2Ride4Ruin
Okay. I'll admit it. Maybe I have been a little harsh on Ali, she is just a kid (her entire attitude toward the storm demonstrated that quite well).
Hm... as for Emlyn being a bit eager to jump at the chance to question Shadow, I think I might have an idea as to why.
2Ride4RuinOkay. I'll admit it. Maybe I have been a little harsh on Ali, she is just a kid (her entire attitude toward the storm demonstrated that quite well).
Hm... as for Emlyn being a bit eager to jump at the chance to question Shadow, I think I might have an idea as to why.
1/18/2008 c11 Ride4Ruin
A few weeks? Try a few days. Or maybe hours. I can already smell the potential for bickering.
Emlyn's dislike of Shadow is entering into the realm of irrational. I mean I can understand not trusting him, I can even understand not liking to have him around, but Emlyn seems to be taking everything he says and does a little two seriously. I personally think he should be worth at least begrudging respect, especially considering the fact that Tynan seems to, and I'm pretty sure he knows Shadow a lot better than Emlyn does. Then again, the fact that Tynan suggested they take Alika with them lowered my opinion of him a bit.
Finally, as silly as I feel for making such a simple statement, I will go ahead and say it: I like Star. She and Ensa are probably my favorite characters in this.
A few weeks? Try a few days. Or maybe hours. I can already smell the potential for bickering.
Emlyn's dislike of Shadow is entering into the realm of irrational. I mean I can understand not trusting him, I can even understand not liking to have him around, but Emlyn seems to be taking everything he says and does a little two seriously. I personally think he should be worth at least begrudging respect, especially considering the fact that Tynan seems to, and I'm pretty sure he knows Shadow a lot better than Emlyn does. Then again, the fact that Tynan suggested they take Alika with them lowered my opinion of him a bit.
Finally, as silly as I feel for making such a simple statement, I will go ahead and say it: I like Star. She and Ensa are probably my favorite characters in this.
1/18/2008 c11 Riberuchi
well done.You played the part of bratty little girl quite convincingly.Didn't get the joke though.
well done.You played the part of bratty little girl quite convincingly.Didn't get the joke though.
1/18/2008 c11 4Kar-Vermin
More goodness. Relationships are the heart of stories like these. If we don't care about these people, why should we care what happens to them?
That being said ,evil grin., a few quibbles this time around...
*Tynan let Shadow lead the party, and the dark elf steered them rapidly back to the waterfront...*
Dark elf? Shadow's a drow? Quick, kill him! ;)
*...the gulls wheeling and screamining overhead.*
Typo.
*The girl tipped her head on one side, considering. ‘I might. Where are you going?’
Tynan shugged. ‘Wherever we feel like. We generally just wander. Go any place that seems interesting. Occasionally we have to settle down for a bit and find some work.’*
This... this feels weak. It may more true of Emlyn now that he's taken care of his mother's arrangements, but I was under the impression Tynan had something to do. It also seems unlikely for such a mysterious, focused individual as Shadow.
*Alika groaned. ‘You want to go sightseeing? I’ve joined up with a bunch of people who want to go and investigate culture and history and boring stuff like that!’*
This line irked me, or more specifically, the last four words. "Boring stuff like that" just doesn't sound like something a D&D character would say. I half-expected Alika to pull out a cell phone and mutter, "What-EVER!" I'd see if I could find another phrase to get her point across.
Now, to be fair, this whole section- with Emlyn and Alika discussing Starold and the like- was brilliant. it plays to your srength- creating a realistic and vibrant world, and three-dimensional characters to populate it.
*Tynan paused, and then cracked a rueful grin. ‘Anyway, don’t argue about it, because you are doing the one unforgivable thing, which is making me feel like your parent. Which I am not old enough to be. Not even nearly.’*
LOL!
In short, another ace chapter. Keep 'em coming- your readers are hungry, too (just not for food!)
4Kar-VerminMore goodness. Relationships are the heart of stories like these. If we don't care about these people, why should we care what happens to them?
That being said ,evil grin., a few quibbles this time around...
*Tynan let Shadow lead the party, and the dark elf steered them rapidly back to the waterfront...*
Dark elf? Shadow's a drow? Quick, kill him! ;)
*...the gulls wheeling and screamining overhead.*
Typo.
*The girl tipped her head on one side, considering. ‘I might. Where are you going?’
Tynan shugged. ‘Wherever we feel like. We generally just wander. Go any place that seems interesting. Occasionally we have to settle down for a bit and find some work.’*
This... this feels weak. It may more true of Emlyn now that he's taken care of his mother's arrangements, but I was under the impression Tynan had something to do. It also seems unlikely for such a mysterious, focused individual as Shadow.
*Alika groaned. ‘You want to go sightseeing? I’ve joined up with a bunch of people who want to go and investigate culture and history and boring stuff like that!’*
This line irked me, or more specifically, the last four words. "Boring stuff like that" just doesn't sound like something a D&D character would say. I half-expected Alika to pull out a cell phone and mutter, "What-EVER!" I'd see if I could find another phrase to get her point across.
Now, to be fair, this whole section- with Emlyn and Alika discussing Starold and the like- was brilliant. it plays to your srength- creating a realistic and vibrant world, and three-dimensional characters to populate it.
*Tynan paused, and then cracked a rueful grin. ‘Anyway, don’t argue about it, because you are doing the one unforgivable thing, which is making me feel like your parent. Which I am not old enough to be. Not even nearly.’*
LOL!
In short, another ace chapter. Keep 'em coming- your readers are hungry, too (just not for food!)
1/11/2008 c10 Kar-Vermin
Two more A+ chapters.
I love the detail that you infuse throughout this work...
*‘Nice music, though,’ said Markiss, absent-mindedly. ‘They have the queerest little melody lines… all in minors and discords that work somehow.’
‘That’s true. They have these heavy drumbeats, and then they play little bone pipes that sound so eerie, like the wind blowing over the tundra…’ Jilly shivered. ‘But you don’t want to hear the music talk. Have you ever been north?’*
You've done your homework, and it shows. A simple thing like two bards discussing music, and how it differs from place to place- it gives a feeling an authenticity to your world.
*‘What’s wrong?’ asked Markiss. Emlyn jumped. He hadn’t realised that anyone was watching him.
‘Oh… no. Nothing.’ To Jilly, he said, ‘They’re not all like that, you know. The Island Charter’s great – it’s a great idea – but it doesn’t always work out.’*
Another example. Not everyone in your world shares the same monolothic, exactly-true knowledge. We have Jilly's perception of the Isles contrasted with native-born Emlyn. I don't know. Little things like that keep this story above the merely good into the ranks of 'great.'
One last compliment. I can't help but notice little things in here that keep reminding me of my own campaign/story- the half-orc wizard, the musical encounter in the bar, even some of the prose structure. Yet, these are all strikingly original here. You've built on what I've done, and even (dare I say) surpassed it. I feel like a proud papa watching his daughter make her own way in the world and triumph. Sniff...
Your biggest fan,
Kar
Two more A+ chapters.
I love the detail that you infuse throughout this work...
*‘Nice music, though,’ said Markiss, absent-mindedly. ‘They have the queerest little melody lines… all in minors and discords that work somehow.’
‘That’s true. They have these heavy drumbeats, and then they play little bone pipes that sound so eerie, like the wind blowing over the tundra…’ Jilly shivered. ‘But you don’t want to hear the music talk. Have you ever been north?’*
You've done your homework, and it shows. A simple thing like two bards discussing music, and how it differs from place to place- it gives a feeling an authenticity to your world.
*‘What’s wrong?’ asked Markiss. Emlyn jumped. He hadn’t realised that anyone was watching him.
‘Oh… no. Nothing.’ To Jilly, he said, ‘They’re not all like that, you know. The Island Charter’s great – it’s a great idea – but it doesn’t always work out.’*
Another example. Not everyone in your world shares the same monolothic, exactly-true knowledge. We have Jilly's perception of the Isles contrasted with native-born Emlyn. I don't know. Little things like that keep this story above the merely good into the ranks of 'great.'
One last compliment. I can't help but notice little things in here that keep reminding me of my own campaign/story- the half-orc wizard, the musical encounter in the bar, even some of the prose structure. Yet, these are all strikingly original here. You've built on what I've done, and even (dare I say) surpassed it. I feel like a proud papa watching his daughter make her own way in the world and triumph. Sniff...
Your biggest fan,
Kar
1/10/2008 c10 2Ride4Ruin
Conceited young acrobat indeed. She's had only a few lines and I dislike her already, though that's probably because I'm rooting for Ensa and can foresee a decent amount of conflict between the two if they have to work together. Good job getting a new character across in such a short space of time.
2Ride4RuinConceited young acrobat indeed. She's had only a few lines and I dislike her already, though that's probably because I'm rooting for Ensa and can foresee a decent amount of conflict between the two if they have to work together. Good job getting a new character across in such a short space of time.
1/8/2008 c10 Riberuchi
Thy writing doth be awesome, though I would like just a touch more description.
Thy writing doth be awesome, though I would like just a touch more description.
1/3/2008 c1 sally
what can i say GRIM!
what can i say GRIM!
12/11/2007 c9 Lauren Green
This is a very good story, however your chapters are too short! Next time try to write longer chapters, these 2,0 word chapters are a bit frustrating to read! That said, keep on writing!
This is a very good story, however your chapters are too short! Next time try to write longer chapters, these 2,0 word chapters are a bit frustrating to read! That said, keep on writing!
12/10/2007 c9 Riberuchi
Okay, my originally proposed character was Very Stupid.I take back everything I have said,and say this:what books are you using?If I knew that,along with an average party level,I could crank out something that would fit both our tastes.
~kudos,The Last Non-Drizzit-Ripoff Drow
Okay, my originally proposed character was Very Stupid.I take back everything I have said,and say this:what books are you using?If I knew that,along with an average party level,I could crank out something that would fit both our tastes.
~kudos,The Last Non-Drizzit-Ripoff Drow
12/8/2007 c8 4Kar-Vermin
Forgive my long delay in responding.
Another great chapter, in true dragonstar style! The battle with the ghouls was first-rate, as we experience it not through the eyes of the different combatabts involved, but also how they feel- their differing reactions help to further distinguish each one as individuals. Great descriptions, as well.
The bit with Ensa on the ship *almost* veers into overdone-ness, but you pull it back beautifully at the end, leaving an understated, but very satisfying end to this chapter. I must agree with Ride4Ruin, and state that Ensa is shaping up to be one of your best characters so far.
I'd say "can't wait for more," but I guess I (and everyone else) will have to, eh? :(
Happy Writing
4Kar-VerminForgive my long delay in responding.
Another great chapter, in true dragonstar style! The battle with the ghouls was first-rate, as we experience it not through the eyes of the different combatabts involved, but also how they feel- their differing reactions help to further distinguish each one as individuals. Great descriptions, as well.
The bit with Ensa on the ship *almost* veers into overdone-ness, but you pull it back beautifully at the end, leaving an understated, but very satisfying end to this chapter. I must agree with Ride4Ruin, and state that Ensa is shaping up to be one of your best characters so far.
I'd say "can't wait for more," but I guess I (and everyone else) will have to, eh? :(
Happy Writing
12/8/2007 c8 Amere
oh, this is good. I have read all in one sitting, and now I will have to wait dammit, until you update. Gr. I have bookmarked it though so I will check back regularly.
Nothing at all I can come up with to suggest in the way of improvements, this is really well written, engaging, and the spelling and grammar is spot on. Such a pleasure to read!
More please!
oh, this is good. I have read all in one sitting, and now I will have to wait dammit, until you update. Gr. I have bookmarked it though so I will check back regularly.
Nothing at all I can come up with to suggest in the way of improvements, this is really well written, engaging, and the spelling and grammar is spot on. Such a pleasure to read!
More please!
12/3/2007 c8 Riberuchi
here's a somewhat interesting character for a addition to the team:Encon, a Duskblade(PHB2)he's a drow under the effect of a permanent reversal spell, changing his alignment to CG and giving him pale skin and dark black hair,with streaks of red.his armor is glamored,He wears large, DJ style headphones(most characters don't know what these are)that can play any sort of music,though he only uses certain songs only (Pm me for them)he is from Earth, in New York City,present day.(treat as if it was in a different plane, one that can't be reached normally) he appears an fights like he does
in Fear Unlimited(Google it, it's one of my games)except of course, for the headphones,and he can only use his demonic powers when he is very angry, or some thing outrageous and tragic happens. his equipment changes depending on level,so he can be tailored for just about any story.
here's a somewhat interesting character for a addition to the team:Encon, a Duskblade(PHB2)he's a drow under the effect of a permanent reversal spell, changing his alignment to CG and giving him pale skin and dark black hair,with streaks of red.his armor is glamored,He wears large, DJ style headphones(most characters don't know what these are)that can play any sort of music,though he only uses certain songs only (Pm me for them)he is from Earth, in New York City,present day.(treat as if it was in a different plane, one that can't be reached normally) he appears an fights like he does
in Fear Unlimited(Google it, it's one of my games)except of course, for the headphones,and he can only use his demonic powers when he is very angry, or some thing outrageous and tragic happens. his equipment changes depending on level,so he can be tailored for just about any story.
11/29/2007 c8 2Ride4Ruin
Of the entire cast, I think I like Ensa the most. She has a good combination of intelligence (like Shadow) but is a bit more open and likable (unlike Shadow). That and I can sympathize with her hatred of boats. For an inhabitant of a realm that seems to revolve a lot around the sea, that seems like a pretty devastating weakness to me. Kind of like kryponite, only vomit inducing. Cursed poor constitution, ruining a nice, potentially romantic moment (or did it?).
2Ride4RuinOf the entire cast, I think I like Ensa the most. She has a good combination of intelligence (like Shadow) but is a bit more open and likable (unlike Shadow). That and I can sympathize with her hatred of boats. For an inhabitant of a realm that seems to revolve a lot around the sea, that seems like a pretty devastating weakness to me. Kind of like kryponite, only vomit inducing. Cursed poor constitution, ruining a nice, potentially romantic moment (or did it?).