11/5/2007 c7 4Kar-Vermin
Right. That's it. I am now officially jealous.

The wait was well worth it for this chapter, t-d. Fantastic, from the details of the party's journey's through the crypt to the ghost himself. And yes, I like the riddle.

Now for what all writers hate- nitpicks.

This is a stylistic, not a technical suggestion. Powerful dialogue or descriptions should get their own paragraph. It helps keep the reader's eye from "diluting" them with adjacent entances.

*‘Looking for me, Sabra? Nice to know I’m remembered.’ The voice was parchment thin, barely above a whisper, and sounded old as ages. The cold, hissing quality of it made all the hairs on Ensa’s neck rise, and Star on her shoulder quivered and pressed herself against the half-orc’s neck.*

*Despite its faintness, she could hear the spiteful laughter in the ghost’s voice. ‘There are three ghouls behind you.’*

The first sentance of the first paragraph and the last sentance of the second should be by themselves for greater emotional impact.

You have a few comma issues- some where they don't belong and one or two missing where they're needed, although I've noticed the fanfiction tends not to see them sometimes even when you've typed them in.

Anyway, great, great chapter! Muchos kudos!

11/3/2007 c6 Ride4Ruin
Very nice, the character interactions and Emlyn's thoughts at the end make me want to read on. However, I can't help but worry about Emlyn. If all it took to impress him was a simple continual flame spell, he might not be experienced enough to live the life of an adventurer just yet. At least he has more experienced people, like Shadow, to help him along.

In any case, I hope to see more from you soon.

10/8/2007 c5 Lifechild
Ok girl, doing well...you know how envious I am of how well you write!

I'm slightly cheating with this because I actually know the plot but I haven't been keeping up to date on the chapters so I thought I'd log on and give you one of those review fixes you crave!

As usual your writing is clear and descriptive. You're really bringing the world to life. I agree with Kar - I think this latest chapter is one of your best. The way Sabra and Ensa are described is great, visually stimulating but not too detail heavy. A particular stand out for me was Ensa's hair and rat merging into one on her shoulder :) Amazingly for me, I can actually remember who all the characters are in this (excepting the stuff in the prologue, yes, I know you like it, but give me a break here!) and that has a lot to do with the way you have presented them.

I already have a soft spot for Shadow, anyone who is hiding that much about himself deserves kudos in my book. It's gonna be interesting to see how Emlyn continues to relate to him as he learns more about the world about him. He's just a tad clueless at the moment. Case in point -

"quote" ‘You’re a magic user? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I didn’t think…’

‘That half-orcs were very interested in magic?’ There was an odd note in Ensa’s voice, but Emlyn couldn’t work out what it signified "unquote"

If he's hanging out with Tynan for much longer his eyes are going to be opened for sure.

Just one typo I picked up on (I know how much you like 'em checked) It's in "There was an odd note in Ensa’a voice" - please make that an "s"!

See ya tomorrow (Actually I'll probably be with you when you're reading this - we're so cool like that ;) )

The Princess

PS When you're a rich and famous author (or just a notorious D&D fanfic writer) remember who's boyfriend first played this with you :p

10/5/2007 c5 Kar-Vermin
Perfect.

Absolutely F**cking Perfect.

Keep right on doing what you're doing, t-d. I can't offer a single suggestion this time around.

Kar

P.S. Think we could get Ensa and Hogeth together? ;)

9/22/2007 c3 Kar-Vermin
Another excellent chapter.

Keep in mind it's easier to point out flaws than strong points (and also more constructive, although not nearly as much fun for the instructee!); just so you know I'm not being overly nit-picky.

*The tax-gatherer and his guards were taking up the whole road as they approached. Tynan stepped aside onto the grassy verge, Emlyn following his lead, and attempted to walk past the men, but the fat, red-faced man stopped. ‘Who goes there?’ he asked.*

"Who goes there?" isn't really appropriate here. That's a phrase you use when the existence of someone unknown suddenly becomes evident to you through sight or hearing. Both parties are aware of each other a long way off here. Something along the lines of, "Hold! Identify yourselves!" might be better.

*The dark, scowling warrior growled and Emlyn heard the scraping ring as he began to drag his sword from its sheathe. He tightened his hand around his knife, wishing he had both hands free to draw his sword. His blood was boiling as he anticipated the fight...*

Umm, correct me if I'm wrong here, but exactly how does Emlyn know how to wield a sword?

There's been no indication that he's ever picked up one in his life until now. He's awfully arrogant for someone likely to get cut down in the first five seconds of his first fight. Hm, maybe this is a really SHORT story ;)

*Goldport was a small city judged against the standards of Wayrin or Shara, but it was among the largest on the Islands, and had once been considered one of the most rich, kindly and beautiful. Now it was the blot among the famed ports… Emlyn could see the buildings, black and dirty, sprawling right down to the waterside.

Out in the ocean a ship was anchored, her bare masts startling in their blackness against the deep blue sky. Emlyn whistled appreciatively. He wasn’t much of a seaman – but he was still an Islander born and bred. ‘Look at her lines! That’s a ship built at Haven, or I’m blind.’

‘Is it?’ Tynan looked at the schooner with interest. ‘But under a bad master now, or she’d not be here…’*

This is top-notch. Beautiful descriptions and better still, we get a feel for things through Tynan's dialogue, not exposition.

*‘It’s too hot already,’ Emlyn grumbled, shrugging sweaty shoulders under his armour. But he was used to ignoring the discomfort of working in the sun, and he answered Tynan’s question. ‘Yes, if she’s a merchant. Now we’re past Sun’s Height the trade winds’ll be setting in to blow from the north, and blow steady until near Winter’s Peak. A merchant can coast down to Shara with goods from the Islands that’re still fresh.’

‘Isn’t it a bit early for that? I don’t know a lot about it, but I don’t feel anything like a steady north wind.’

Emlyn shrugged. ‘Maybe. I’m no sailor, I don’t really know.’*

Ditto. Excellent work!

*‘Stick close to me,’ Tynan had said, and Emlyn did, remaining tight on his cousin’s heels as Tynan led the way through a confusing mass of streets. He’d been to Goldport before, but only once or twice, and always with his father. Nothing seems threatening to a child who’s with their father…*

Good, but the last sentance switches abruptly to present tense. Change it to past, and drop the ellipse.

*One icon caught his eye, as a gang of seven or eight toughs swaggered down the street, forcing other citizens onto the pavement – a bright red coloured sword.*

As written, it's the pavement that is a bright red sword. Suggested change;

One icon- a bright red sword- caught his eye, as a gang of seven or eight toughs swaggered down the street, forcing other citizens onto the pavement.

"Colored," no matter how you Brits spell it (wink, wink), is superfluous.

Question on Shadow. If he's "quite tall by the standards of his race," then why does Elmyn have to look down almost a foot to meet his gaze? Am I missing something here?

*‘The locals are scared of the place,’ Shadow said. He shrugged. ‘I’ve been asking around while you were gone, Tynan, and even the black-hearted are scared of the power that was here. They don’t know what kind of retribution sacrilege like this might provoke.’

Emlyn looked back at the ruin, suddenly wanting to get away. He didn’t blame those who kept well clear of the place. The eerie feeling in the air was getting stronger and the hair on his back was beginning to stand upright.*

Very atmospheric. What's more important, you let it stand. Nothing obviously supernatural here- the power of what happened here is seen through Emlyn's eyes (as it should be). Kudos!

9/13/2007 c1 Kar-Vermin
Ya sneak! You started a D&D story without even telling me! :)

Huzzah for you, t-d. Well, let's get down to the nitty-gritty.

THE GOOD: Technically, this is very well-written indeed. I only spotted one typo, and your sentance structure and use of punctuation is spot-on. Much better than the average around here, I must say.

Further, you have a very good eye for detail, at least in terms of "setting the stage."

*There’s not a coastal village which doesn’t have its fishing fleet drawn up on the sandy beaches. But people can’t only eat fish, and if you turn your glance away from the sea you will see that Goldisle’s scant flat land is patchworked into fields, and farm buildings dot the landscape.

Look at one such building. It is a small farm, and might be farmed by two or three men, but all save the very closest field is going back to the wild. The fields are unploughed, and thistles and saplings are claiming them once again. This is a farm which cannot survive much longer. There are no animals any more, and the crops in the field close to the house are scanty. Although it is midmorning there is no one moving around the farm.*

This is beautiful. So many stories start right out with the hero, give him a big-ass sword, and the killing begins. Could take place in a friggin' Wal-Mart for all the attention to background we get. It's nice to see some backdrop that isn't immediately destroyed by the first scene's end.

Further, you have a very cinematic style of writing. We can easily imagine the camera in space, watching Iluen before it hads in for closer and closer views, finally ending up in the bedroom of the farmhouse. Yes, it can be said that this has been done before, and it has, but you handle it with fresh prose.

*On the bed in the dark bedroom lies an old woman. Her pale face is lined and the white hair spread across her pillow highlights the dark purple shadows under her closed eyes. Her face is cavernous and gaunt, skin drawn tight against her bones, and the only sound in the room is her ragged, gasping breaths. The shadows of the Grey Path are gathering close around her, clustering round the bed so that they seem to dim the light of the sun.

Beside the bed a young man is sitting. He is holding one of the old lady’s hands in both of his own, and against his large brown hands her fingers are fragile and so pale as to be almost translucent. His eyes, full of pain, are fixed on her face, but she can’t see him any more. His broad shoulders are firmly set against the misery, and a stray sunbeam gleams on his pale hair, the only bright thing in the room.

His name is Emlyn Ulmer and he is waiting for his mother to die.*

You take your time to set up this scene, and this draws anticipation from the reader (well, from this one at least!) We know the "curtain" is about to rise, and we're going to get involved in the life of Emlyn Ulmer. We're (hopefully) going to find out about him as a person before he meets the others and the "adventure" begins.

After all, you don't want to start your story in the middle, do you? ;)

NEEDS WORK: The first half of your prologue is weak. It's pure narration. Your're telling, not showing, and it doesn't work. We have absolutely no need to know the names of all twelve gods and goddesses yet. Ask yourself- would this scene have suffered if the reader hadn't been force-fed this exposition yet? History, gods- the particulars of your world- should all be revealed to us in context, as the story progresses.

OVERALL VERDICT: A big thumbs up so far! Stay the course- don't rush into things. Continue to show the world around Emlyn (and us) as a living, breathing place- not just scenery backdrop in a play. I'm eagerly awaiting more!

Kar