for Second Chances11/28/2012 c5 Somebody
Tis a shame when you find a good story that is long dead. *Casts Wish* bring back this dead story so it may see the light of day and not haunt us with the dreaded cliff-hanger.
Tis a shame when you find a good story that is long dead. *Casts Wish* bring back this dead story so it may see the light of day and not haunt us with the dreaded cliff-hanger.
8/16/2008 c5 
4truegold-dragonstar
Well, I get what Tobias means... *snigger*.
I loved this chapter; dramatic and exciting, but also with plenty of character development. Dialogue and tone in particular are spot on this time around. Well done; have a cookie. (Of course, it doesn't hurt that Sarah's my favourite and most of this chapter's about her...)
Just two points to flag up; one is a simple factual thing. WE know about the Major's tormented childhood, but THEY don't, do they (unless I missed something...)? I think it would be enough for Carlos to decide the Major's insane on the basis of his actions, and leave out this stuff that implies the Major's been confiding in him.
The other thing is Carlos' reaction to Aleera; yes, he would be shocked and horrified and cautious, but I don't think he would go straight to total and all-out hatred and rejection so quickly. But I really liked the way you had the alter-ego fool him by looking sweet and harmless, so now we can't tell just by looking which of the two it is we're seeing!
Oh, actually one more thing (sorry) - your messages about their importance are getting a little confused. We were specifically told that they were chosen because they're valuable and important, but now the Major doesn't care if they kill each other, and it's all getting a little mixed up.
The other thing I have to mention is Malakai - I like it! It's nice to have characters hanging around who aren't part of their little suicide squad. And I'm always up for a character with a cutting tongue ;-D
Well done! (And yes, updates a little more frequently would be nice)
t-d
ps - can we let Aleera's alter-ego have a go at Tobias? Oh please?
4truegold-dragonstarWell, I get what Tobias means... *snigger*.
I loved this chapter; dramatic and exciting, but also with plenty of character development. Dialogue and tone in particular are spot on this time around. Well done; have a cookie. (Of course, it doesn't hurt that Sarah's my favourite and most of this chapter's about her...)
Just two points to flag up; one is a simple factual thing. WE know about the Major's tormented childhood, but THEY don't, do they (unless I missed something...)? I think it would be enough for Carlos to decide the Major's insane on the basis of his actions, and leave out this stuff that implies the Major's been confiding in him.
The other thing is Carlos' reaction to Aleera; yes, he would be shocked and horrified and cautious, but I don't think he would go straight to total and all-out hatred and rejection so quickly. But I really liked the way you had the alter-ego fool him by looking sweet and harmless, so now we can't tell just by looking which of the two it is we're seeing!
Oh, actually one more thing (sorry) - your messages about their importance are getting a little confused. We were specifically told that they were chosen because they're valuable and important, but now the Major doesn't care if they kill each other, and it's all getting a little mixed up.
The other thing I have to mention is Malakai - I like it! It's nice to have characters hanging around who aren't part of their little suicide squad. And I'm always up for a character with a cutting tongue ;-D
Well done! (And yes, updates a little more frequently would be nice)
t-d
ps - can we let Aleera's alter-ego have a go at Tobias? Oh please?
8/12/2008 c5 1Vanguarde
This is absolutley great! I just started reading today and couldn't stop. So now I am all updated and hooked. I do look forward to the completion of this work. You are doing an excellent job. I can't wait to see what's special about Carlos. Others seem to realize it, but he thinks that he's normal. It's a very brutal story, but I can't wait to see how it turns out. Please update soon. I'm looking forward to your next update.
1VanguardeThis is absolutley great! I just started reading today and couldn't stop. So now I am all updated and hooked. I do look forward to the completion of this work. You are doing an excellent job. I can't wait to see what's special about Carlos. Others seem to realize it, but he thinks that he's normal. It's a very brutal story, but I can't wait to see how it turns out. Please update soon. I'm looking forward to your next update.
7/3/2008 c4 1Randomly-Nowhere
Such a good story. I love the character depth and the mystery behind some of their back stories. Your imagination must be very good to come up with some of these characters. P.S. i think i saw a little firefly/serenity innuendo in there right? Very entertaining. I hope you get the time to finish it!
1Randomly-NowhereSuch a good story. I love the character depth and the mystery behind some of their back stories. Your imagination must be very good to come up with some of these characters. P.S. i think i saw a little firefly/serenity innuendo in there right? Very entertaining. I hope you get the time to finish it!
2/5/2008 c3 Kar-Vermin
Your best chapter to date. The fight between Carlosand Tobias was very well-done, indeed.
*The older man smiled back at him and, in the most reassuring way possible, said, “No, I mean when.”
“That...” Carlos managed to stutter out, “that’s not exactly comforting.”
“The truth rarely is.” He snuffed out the last candle, plunging the room into darkness. “Goodnight Carlos.”*
Great dialogue!
The second half is also well-done, leaving us curious for more.
My major quibble wouls still be for a little more showing and a little less telling. Describing Tobias' smile as that of someone who "eats babies for kicks" is fairly redundant. The man's already a psycopathic serial killer- I think we've already established his character. Cut out a few adjectives where they're not really needed.
Overall, this tale continues to improve and I find myself awaiting each new installment eagerly. Kudos!
Kar
Your best chapter to date. The fight between Carlosand Tobias was very well-done, indeed.
*The older man smiled back at him and, in the most reassuring way possible, said, “No, I mean when.”
“That...” Carlos managed to stutter out, “that’s not exactly comforting.”
“The truth rarely is.” He snuffed out the last candle, plunging the room into darkness. “Goodnight Carlos.”*
Great dialogue!
The second half is also well-done, leaving us curious for more.
My major quibble wouls still be for a little more showing and a little less telling. Describing Tobias' smile as that of someone who "eats babies for kicks" is fairly redundant. The man's already a psycopathic serial killer- I think we've already established his character. Cut out a few adjectives where they're not really needed.
Overall, this tale continues to improve and I find myself awaiting each new installment eagerly. Kudos!
Kar
2/5/2008 c4 4truegold-dragonstar
Your story has been getting steadily better, so it's no surprise that this is by far the best chapter to date. I love it! Lookit Aleera! Not a pathetic wimp after all! (OK, possibly with a murderous psychopath barely controlled behind her concious mind, but that's FAR more interesting). Anyway, it was time Carlos stopped thinking of her as a child because she must be three times his age minimum.
The hints of darker stuff coming through are really good in this chapter - please keep going!
t-d
ps - the Major. I would like to make it clear that having a unhappy childhood DOES NOT excuse him. I don't care what's happened to him, I still want to see him dead (eventually. I do realise it would wreck your story if it happened shortly)
4truegold-dragonstarYour story has been getting steadily better, so it's no surprise that this is by far the best chapter to date. I love it! Lookit Aleera! Not a pathetic wimp after all! (OK, possibly with a murderous psychopath barely controlled behind her concious mind, but that's FAR more interesting). Anyway, it was time Carlos stopped thinking of her as a child because she must be three times his age minimum.
The hints of darker stuff coming through are really good in this chapter - please keep going!
t-d
ps - the Major. I would like to make it clear that having a unhappy childhood DOES NOT excuse him. I don't care what's happened to him, I still want to see him dead (eventually. I do realise it would wreck your story if it happened shortly)
1/29/2008 c2 4Kar-Vermin
Not too bad.
You've definately got some skill with both characterizations and dialogue, but there are enough cliches here to choke a yak. A bar brawl? Who'da thunk it, huh?
Sarah's compulsion to con people seems a little out of place here, since she knows The Major can quite easily take possession of any items the quartet might have, including money.
Oddly enough, I find (to date) your best-drawn character to be The Major.
Good ending, with Carlos coming on Tobias like that. Very atmospheric.
Technically, this is very good, but watch for over-explaining.
*...the only player at the table who was apparently having any fun was Sarah, which might have had something to with the fact that she was bleeding the other players dry.*
We already knew this. In the previous paragraph...
*Judging by the sheer number that sat in front of the drug runner, it was obvious that she was cleaning house.*
*The warrior shrugged, though he was secretly glad that she had taken what might have been seen as an insult in good humor. He pressed his luck, trying to maintain the jovial mood. “It might have something to do with the fact that you’re a head shorter than me and probably weigh what, half as much as me?” He motioned idly toward her. “Less?” Aleera opened her mouth, about to shoot back a retort, when the bartender returned and set a pair of mugs down on the bar in front of them. Carlos scooped up his mug and held it up in a toast. “Well, this is it. Here’s to our first, and hopefully not our last, mission.” He took a swig of the ale. While it was not the worst thing that he had ever tasted, it was pretty far down the list. It was, however, still ale and he desperately needed something to put him at ease.*
Big point here. Break this up into smaller paragraphs. NEVER have more than one person speaking per paragraph. Or more than one action, if you can help it.
Keep it coming- looking forward to more!
Kar
4Kar-VerminNot too bad.
You've definately got some skill with both characterizations and dialogue, but there are enough cliches here to choke a yak. A bar brawl? Who'da thunk it, huh?
Sarah's compulsion to con people seems a little out of place here, since she knows The Major can quite easily take possession of any items the quartet might have, including money.
Oddly enough, I find (to date) your best-drawn character to be The Major.
Good ending, with Carlos coming on Tobias like that. Very atmospheric.
Technically, this is very good, but watch for over-explaining.
*...the only player at the table who was apparently having any fun was Sarah, which might have had something to with the fact that she was bleeding the other players dry.*
We already knew this. In the previous paragraph...
*Judging by the sheer number that sat in front of the drug runner, it was obvious that she was cleaning house.*
*The warrior shrugged, though he was secretly glad that she had taken what might have been seen as an insult in good humor. He pressed his luck, trying to maintain the jovial mood. “It might have something to do with the fact that you’re a head shorter than me and probably weigh what, half as much as me?” He motioned idly toward her. “Less?” Aleera opened her mouth, about to shoot back a retort, when the bartender returned and set a pair of mugs down on the bar in front of them. Carlos scooped up his mug and held it up in a toast. “Well, this is it. Here’s to our first, and hopefully not our last, mission.” He took a swig of the ale. While it was not the worst thing that he had ever tasted, it was pretty far down the list. It was, however, still ale and he desperately needed something to put him at ease.*
Big point here. Break this up into smaller paragraphs. NEVER have more than one person speaking per paragraph. Or more than one action, if you can help it.
Keep it coming- looking forward to more!
Kar
1/24/2008 c3 4truegold-dragonstar
This chapter is the best yet. Your description of the fight is clear but exciting, and you've found a really strong narrative voice. The only thing that confused me was Carlos turning out to be such a good fighter; I realised that he would be ok, but not that he was supposed to be brilliant.
Good work - keep going! I want to know what happens when they actually start a mission.
t-d
4truegold-dragonstarThis chapter is the best yet. Your description of the fight is clear but exciting, and you've found a really strong narrative voice. The only thing that confused me was Carlos turning out to be such a good fighter; I realised that he would be ok, but not that he was supposed to be brilliant.
Good work - keep going! I want to know what happens when they actually start a mission.
t-d
11/13/2007 c2 4Curlz-Shadow Kitsune
You write very well. I'm surprised that more people have not reviewed this peice.
Keep up the good work
4Curlz-Shadow KitsuneYou write very well. I'm surprised that more people have not reviewed this peice.
Keep up the good work
11/2/2007 c1 4Kar-Vermin
THE GOOD: YOur writing shows good technical ability, and you demonstrate anear for dialogue.
NEEDS WORK: Mostly believability issues.
Problem point #1: He had finally found a job doing something other than growing crops that never sold well in the first place, and he had been good at it too. Though he had never thought of himself as some brave warrior or noble paladin, he was pretty strong and skilled with a blade.
Exactly how and why does a farmer become so good at a blade? Most don't have the time for it? There's also too much detail that's glossed over. "For a while, all went smoothly." Meaning what? He's had previous work? As what, a mercenary?
Problem point #2: "You each have skills that set you apart from the standard miscreant..."
Actually, no- they don't.
A farmer-turned-fighter, an "up-and-coming" (translation: not very powerful) wizard, and a druid who is apparently unable to as yet assume animal form. What the hell is so special about these three that they would be offered a full pardon for their services? Only Tobias seems a genuinely powerful individual.
Problem point #3: If these four are so powerful, how did they get caught so easily in the first place?
Problem point #4: "For the next two years, you will serve Halcyon on the field of battle under my direct command. If you are still alive at the end, you will be free to go.”
So, they're to be conscripts? The kingdom is short of troops in their war against Bellicosia, is that it?
While this sound plausible at first, every fighter, wizard, druid and whatever in the kingdom must already be in the friggin' army for these four to be called up, as well. And if there is such a drastic manpower shortage, why weren't they conscripted before all this? This is a medieval kingdom after all, not a democracy! The king can order any and everyone into service that he wants!
Fifth (AND WORST) problem point: The paladin smirked as she writhed on the cell floor in agony.
Doesn't ANYTHING about that sentance seem wrong to you?
Paladin-smirking-agony?
The deliberate infliction of pain upon another has a name. It's called torture, and it's evil. For those of good alignment in D&D, the ends do not justify the means. Ever. Also, the paladin code expressly forbids them to associate with those of evil alignment, aka Tobias (and possibly Sarah).
No paladin would get within a hundred miles of this situation. The Major may be a ruthless, cold-blooded officer, but he is no paladin. He's not even close.
OVERALL VERDICT: Sideways thumb. There are other issues than the ones I've mentioned, but they are minor ones. With the proper corrections, this story could be a winner. As I've mentioned, you do have some good dialogue here. Watch your adverbs and adjectives- you have some excess here. Do more showing, and less telling.
There is potential here, and I (for one) shall read along. Good luck!
Happy Writing,
Kar
4Kar-VerminTHE GOOD: YOur writing shows good technical ability, and you demonstrate anear for dialogue.
NEEDS WORK: Mostly believability issues.
Problem point #1: He had finally found a job doing something other than growing crops that never sold well in the first place, and he had been good at it too. Though he had never thought of himself as some brave warrior or noble paladin, he was pretty strong and skilled with a blade.
Exactly how and why does a farmer become so good at a blade? Most don't have the time for it? There's also too much detail that's glossed over. "For a while, all went smoothly." Meaning what? He's had previous work? As what, a mercenary?
Problem point #2: "You each have skills that set you apart from the standard miscreant..."
Actually, no- they don't.
A farmer-turned-fighter, an "up-and-coming" (translation: not very powerful) wizard, and a druid who is apparently unable to as yet assume animal form. What the hell is so special about these three that they would be offered a full pardon for their services? Only Tobias seems a genuinely powerful individual.
Problem point #3: If these four are so powerful, how did they get caught so easily in the first place?
Problem point #4: "For the next two years, you will serve Halcyon on the field of battle under my direct command. If you are still alive at the end, you will be free to go.”
So, they're to be conscripts? The kingdom is short of troops in their war against Bellicosia, is that it?
While this sound plausible at first, every fighter, wizard, druid and whatever in the kingdom must already be in the friggin' army for these four to be called up, as well. And if there is such a drastic manpower shortage, why weren't they conscripted before all this? This is a medieval kingdom after all, not a democracy! The king can order any and everyone into service that he wants!
Fifth (AND WORST) problem point: The paladin smirked as she writhed on the cell floor in agony.
Doesn't ANYTHING about that sentance seem wrong to you?
Paladin-smirking-agony?
The deliberate infliction of pain upon another has a name. It's called torture, and it's evil. For those of good alignment in D&D, the ends do not justify the means. Ever. Also, the paladin code expressly forbids them to associate with those of evil alignment, aka Tobias (and possibly Sarah).
No paladin would get within a hundred miles of this situation. The Major may be a ruthless, cold-blooded officer, but he is no paladin. He's not even close.
OVERALL VERDICT: Sideways thumb. There are other issues than the ones I've mentioned, but they are minor ones. With the proper corrections, this story could be a winner. As I've mentioned, you do have some good dialogue here. Watch your adverbs and adjectives- you have some excess here. Do more showing, and less telling.
There is potential here, and I (for one) shall read along. Good luck!
Happy Writing,
Kar