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9/30/2017 c22 Guest
This was a really great story. I hope you can finish it and we see if they retake the city.
12/9/2007 c20 85Firewolfe
I hope not I love the pairigs too.

12/9/2007 c19 Firewolfe
nicely done Love to here more about Jacob.
12/7/2007 c1 2pretty little gekko
sorry just testing my login it wouldnt let me earlier. but i glanced at ur story looks pretty good!
11/29/2007 c17 3Joy Cutting
Interesting twist - though it would have been nice to see a new kind of enemy. But that's just my opinion, and it's not worth salt. Anxiously awaiting an update.
11/28/2007 c2 1kwangmablade
Okay before I get any further in this, Im going to stop and put this very simply to you, Your underlying plot is good member of the Shepard family shows up adventures follow. However the most major and glaring flaw in all of your writing, which is actually quite good, is the character Katie as others have stated is a blatantly obvious Mary-sue while I wont go into further detail because its fairly self explainatory, You need to seriously tone down her traits, pick one thing and go with it. If you go pure military then make it so that she is a soldier to the core and not a thinker, If you make her a doctor of anything than make it so shes terrible in any field situation, but most importantly unless you plan boosting the abilities of John's Ancient gene far beyond hers to make hers no longer special in any way just dont give her the gene at all. All it does add more to a character that has WAY too much already. One of the most important things that you can do however to reduce the "mary-sueness" is to simply make her less noticed. Shes Sheppard's sister and thats a very cool thing but she does not need to constantly be the center of attention and most importantly of all keep the other characters in the same behaviour patterns before she came. Honestly compared to most of the writers out there you are quite skilled but in my own opinion the absolute best thing you could do is take this fic down and put some serious revisions into your OC Katie. If your revise Katie then I will very eagerley await that version
11/27/2007 c15 3Joy Cutting
You leave me on the brink, wanting more. I can't wait to see what happens! PLEASE UPDATE SOON!
11/27/2007 c9 33trecebo
On the whole, much better. You tightened the story, got rid of some irrelevant info and made Rodney himself again. Wow!

The MS level is more tolerable, but could be dialed back. Kate is still overbearing for all her youth. Smart but how much experience does she have to warrant John letting her carry a firearm when he deems it unnecessary? A minor nit but still a nit.

Overall, it's way better. Which is good. I'm interested to see how you continue with this storyline.

Keep Kate grounded and real; she's a lot better that way.
11/3/2007 c8 14IndeMaat
I've read this story a few days ago, and since then been pondering about what to say in the review. A few people have already pointed out that Katie is a Mary Sue, and I have to agree with them. It's not just that she has all the best qualities of the other team members, but she also makes them behave unlike themselves. Rodney started out well enough, but as soon as they fell down the cave he seemed to have forgotten about how to be a scientist and he didn't even whine about being in pain from falling twenty odd feet.

But, these problems could fairly easily be fixed. First, make Katie less special (no, first decided on whether to call her Kate or Katie. It's annoying when even the narrator can't decided what to call a character). Make her either a major in the Air Force or a doctor in linguistics. Not both. That means she has been working two jobs. Also, at 27 she's too young to be a major. Make her older, or drop her rank by a notch or two.

As to the sob story where Shep had to take care of his baby sister: I don't believe it. Both his parents worked for the Air Force; they could have afforded a care-giver if they didn't have time themselves (plus I think people who are nurses know how to not have babies if they can't take care of them). Also, I don't believe that Shep would just give in to his bully stepfather and not see his sister anymore. Not to mention that by the time he went to Atlantis both he and his sister were of legal majority, so whatever Paul thought didn't matter.

In short, give Shep and his sister a happy childhood (or at least a less unhappy one). Also people with happy childhoods don't mention to their colleagues whether they have siblings. At least, most of mine haven't. On the other hand, Shep never mentioned having a sister during the events the series followed. For all we know she could be all he ever talked about the rest of the time. (Well, probably not. What I mean is, there is plenty of room for him to have mentioned that he has a sister. There's no need for her to go icy cold that he hasn't mentioned her.)

Plot wise I think this story is quite interesting: the discovery of a cave and a survivor in it. I'm a bit annoyed though the story ends with words that should be the start of a story. I know, a two parter of the show would end this way, and there is a sequel to this story, but the show only has a limited time slot. Two parters are due to that time constraint. There is no constraint (that I am aware of) on the number of chapters a story may have. "The Other City" should have just followed here. It's also easier for readers of that story that they don't drop in the middle of something or have to go in search of the prequel of the story they are reading.

In any case, best of luck if you decide to make Katie less of a Mary Sue and more of an interesting character that readers actually feel connected to. (That's probably the biggest problem with Mary Sues: readers often don't like them and generally wish them to die a slow and painful death at the hand of the Wraith.)
10/25/2007 c4 21BeckyS
Well, now she's not only a better pilot than John and has a stronger gene, but she's calling McKay stupid. Will she be better at negotiating than Elizabeth? Be able to beat or hold her own with Teyla in stick fighting? Throw knives as well as or better than Ronon? The hallmark of a Mary Sue? She's better at whatever the canon characters are good at. You have an interesting premise here, but I'd recommend working Katie into being a real person and then explore how she integrates into the team. Please don't be discouraged - many of my favorite writers started out with Mary Sue stories. Just work on more character development next time. Becky
10/25/2007 c8 4WingedIsis16
A little Fast, by still a cool story.
10/25/2007 c8 3Joy Cutting
Very intriguing. I require more!
10/25/2007 c1 33trecebo
Novel concepts. Lost sister, another city, a Tok'ra sacrifice. I like the story as a whole.

My initial reaction to the character of Katie? Mary Sue. Not that she's you, by anymeans. Just sistery-ier, smarter, higher-ranking type things. If you could slow the pacing of the story a bit, break it into chapters with some in-depth character development, then I might find it a bit more palatable.

That said, I'd really like to see the Second City story...sooner rather than later... :D
10/25/2007 c1 jasminesmommy
very interesting lol :)
10/25/2007 c1 winjan
This sounds fun and interesting, another lost city? Please update soon!

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