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10/25/2008 c8 Tabasc0
Glad to see you've taken this up again.

I liked the glimpse into Yang's recent past, it gave a little more insight into just how much damage Ana is undoing.

Nitpick of the day: stuff like “...know much more.” She murmured... should be more like “...know much more,” she murmured... where the narrator is relating actions after the dialogue.
10/25/2008 c8 1Zefrn
Great work! Please update soon.. I am really enjoying this story.
10/25/2008 c8 104Ominae
Nice to see more of Yang once again.
4/7/2008 c7 Tabasc0
First off, nice use of a side character for this fic, you don't see much Yang in most stories.

I also like the supporting cast you've assembled. They manage to have the same vibe as the original 'Three Musketeers' without ending up being carbon copies of them.

Definitely looking forward to the next chapter.
3/11/2008 c7 3Darth Tabby
You don’t need to apologise for the current chapter being relatively slow paced. It makes sense for it to be that way, and in a way it’s quite fitting given that the characters themselves have come down from last chapter’s adrenaline highs. Besides, I suspect that this is the eye of the storm, and that there could be some serious turbulence on the way out…

The suggested affiliation of the opposition seems rather odd to me in some ways, there are a few things that make it feel a bit off somehow. On the other hand though, there are some pretty big arrows pointing their way. Not sure what to make of this one. Regardless, if the enemy is who this chapter suggests they are, then things could get rather iffy. It’s interesting to see Mithril personnel tangle with serious professionals who can compete on a roughly equal footing.

As a note, the FMP novels establish that Mithril has a fairly major headquarters building in Australia, which poses a few issues for this fic (for instance, why Mithril can’t get serious back up to Yang and Co. quickly, and why they’d still be operating in Australia during some events later in the series). I wouldn’t worry about that issue too much though –I’d rather have a really good fic that doesn’t quite fit with official canon then a mediocre one that doesn’t.

Editting this time around was decent, head and shoulders above a lot of other fanfics. There’s still room for improvement, but it’s certainly not too bad. Besides. its possible to be too picky about how one puts things. I’m something of a perfectionist about how I chose to put things in my writing, and I don’t think its good for my momentum at times.

Anyway, there’s a lot of things that are uncertain in this fic right now, so it’ll be interesting to see how things play out.
3/8/2008 c7 104Ominae
I hope this can tie in with the novel COMO. It's so cool...
3/2/2008 c6 3Darth Tabby
Oh wow.

Chapter Five could probably have used a bit more fine tuning (although it was good), but Chapter Six was really, really impressive. If you maintain that level of quality for the rest of this fic, I’d say you’d have a pretty good claim to the title of best FMP fanfic on this site.

I’d said before that your fic seemed very real somehow, and this really shone through in Chapter Six. The action in that chapter felt both very real and very intense. I guess having a hysterical civilian in the rear of the car really helped with that aspect. Also some good use of detail, such as that smoke grenade that was released from up front bouncing of the undercarriage.

So here’s to hoping we’re in for quite a ride on this one. I kind of get the impression we well may be.

As far as criticisms go, I felt you sometimes included too much detail with the firearms. Some details that add to the sense of authenticity can be good (like unloading mags to relieve spring stress) but I don’t think you needed to specify exactly how many rounds Yan had on tap after he chambered a round, ejected his mag, and topped it off.

Also, as I said, Chapter Five could probably have used a bit more fine tuning. And while that comment is kind of in relation to general editing, I’d like to add one specific nitpick here: the bit were Anna is described as having an ‘anxious look in her fiery eyes.’ Don’t ‘anxious’ and ‘fiery’ seem like an odd combination?

I’m finding I quite like Anna as a character –she’s distinct from the canon heroines. Although I have to admit that I’m a little uncomfortable with the hints of a romance of sorts between her and Yan due to the age gap. Though I’m really not sure what you’re planning to do there, as you haven’t been entirely clear (perhaps intentionally?).

Overall however, some very good work here. Rock on!
2/3/2008 c6 10Greydon Creed
It looks like the waste matter has hit the rapidly moving blades of the ventilation device.

The good news is that the bad guys are pros, therefore no unseemly gunfire. The bad news is the bad guys are pros, in that they may have either had a mole in the operation or they captured and force-interrogated one of the other agents for the location of the fall-back points. It can become really lonely really fast when your entire support structure has been compromised.

Glad to see that Ana got over her fear. Good updates, hope to see more soon.
2/3/2008 c6 104Ominae
Sweet! Loved the action here!
2/3/2008 c5 Ominae
Nice to see you back. And it's looking good to.
12/27/2007 c4 3Darth Tabby
Fantastic! Great work on this one so far.

There's something about this fic that makes it feel very immersive somehow. It seems very real.

I'd like to compliment you on the knowledge you seem to possess when it comes to things like VIP protection. I'm not knowledgeable enough myself to tell whether you have those details right, but I know you're a heck of a lot more convincing on things like that then some of the other fanfic authors out there are. On the other hand you don't go overboard on the technical details either, which is a good thing, since the important thing is being able to weave a good story.

One nitpick I do have though is that Ana's protection detail seems to have an awful high percentage of members from former Eastern Bloc countries, considering that the Cold War hasn't ended yet in the FMP universe. I know Mithril is supposed to be an independent military force, but it seems to have some rather strong leanings towards the West...

Speaking of Ana, I'm going to just straight out guess that she is a whispered. The fact that she spends time at that R&D facility really strongly suggests that to me. And if she is whispered, then that 'low' threat level may not stay low for very long.

Anyway, good job on this fic. It's a good piece that explores a character we really haven't seen that much of at this point. Definitely looking forward to the next update. (Though given how long its been since I lasted uploaded a new chapter of my own fanfic, I'm not exactly in the best position to pressure you on that issue!)
12/6/2007 c4 10Greydon Creed
Good to see this update, even better to see that the protection team isn't taking Yang's critique personally.

Yang really took the wind of of Ana's sails with his story. I can kind of see how she would not be able to handle it, but she is on the right track to getting over it. Not that Yang wants a 17 year old girl hanging all over him again, but she should not be scared of him either.

That story about Sierra Leone could be the major source of Yang's current problems, but there may be more to it than that. It's bad enough to see atrocities take place, it would be even worse if Yang had to stay in place and not react in order not to compromise his mission. If he finally broke and took those child soldiers down after he could have stopped the attack - that would screw up someone's head big-time.

Note - it is hard for soldiers with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to deal with other people knowing their problems without traumatizing them as well. Yang spoke with the Mithril shrink but I kind of doubt he would give him full details. Since the shrink was former USAF, he probably doesn't have that kind of experience. And almost certainly the shrink didn't tell Captain Testarossa as she would have zero ability to pretend not to know what happened to Yang. Once Walker gets Yang's file, he'll see that he was in Serra Leone and probably that's all. The only way that they'll find out about the child soldiers is if Ana mentions what Yang told her.

It's kind of funny to see what was the cause of Gagarin's attitude toward Yang. He was suicidally brave to actually mention it, but it all worked out. :)

Thanks for your previous answers, hope to see more soon.
12/5/2007 c4 104Ominae
Can't wait for more action with Yang... He's so badass, except he can't pilot an AS.
12/2/2007 c3 1Zefrn
Great work! I am really enjoying this story. Please update soon!
11/30/2007 c1 104Ominae
So the story was reworked eh? This should be interesting.
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