12/5/2007 c1 162KousukeAsazuki
I'm very glad to see that your spelling and grammar was up to par that most, if not all, writers should be at before seriously writing. The content was also fairly involved and you didn't make the AU setting an excuse to make characters OOC.

However, there was just that little something that kept me from fully enjoying this work. The latter half was an easier read than the rest, and I think there might be too much detail in some parts. It seems to drag on instead of flow together and you use a lot of words to describe a very simple scene.

I do hope to see a second chapter, though, and see how it all ends and if you can tweak your style just that much more to make this a very enjoyable fiction. Overall, it was readable, but a little boring and I struggled to read through so much detail and try and pick out the significant parts.