
12/27/2007 c9 Louise
I love this chapter! Very imaginative and realistic. I would put it directly after the chapter where Hermione is nursing him, however.
I love this chapter! Very imaginative and realistic. I would put it directly after the chapter where Hermione is nursing him, however.
12/27/2007 c7 Louise
Whew! Now I'm thinking about those scars! Very good, but just flesh it out with more sensory details. And when we're inside a character's head, don't forget to still use quotation marks and she thought, he thought, etc. That way you're not changing the point of view as much.
Poor Severus!
Whew! Now I'm thinking about those scars! Very good, but just flesh it out with more sensory details. And when we're inside a character's head, don't forget to still use quotation marks and she thought, he thought, etc. That way you're not changing the point of view as much.
Poor Severus!
12/27/2007 c6 Louise
Instead of telling us what they said, write it in dialogue form, please. It's much easier to follow. Otherwise fun - inside Snape's head!
Instead of telling us what they said, write it in dialogue form, please. It's much easier to follow. Otherwise fun - inside Snape's head!
12/27/2007 c5 Louise Colette Leonard
One thing I forgot; when Hermione literally runs into Snape, tell us what she sees and what she's thinking, smelling, hearing, etc. What the fabric of Snape's clothing feels like, what his scent is, etc.
One thing I forgot; when Hermione literally runs into Snape, tell us what she sees and what she's thinking, smelling, hearing, etc. What the fabric of Snape's clothing feels like, what his scent is, etc.
12/27/2007 c5 Louise Colette Leonard
Much much better on the point of view thing; I think you just needed practice! :) Love the bit about Idiots, then wondering where Harry and Ron were.
Much much better on the point of view thing; I think you just needed practice! :) Love the bit about Idiots, then wondering where Harry and Ron were.
12/27/2007 c4 Louise Colette Leonard
What did she do to him last fall? The big argument? I think she gave as good as she got, so she shouldn't feel guilty.
Suggestion: instead of telling us what the characters do, show us. For example, when you said Snape had a violent reaction, just describe what those actions are. Your readers will understand! :)
What did she do to him last fall? The big argument? I think she gave as good as she got, so she shouldn't feel guilty.
Suggestion: instead of telling us what the characters do, show us. For example, when you said Snape had a violent reaction, just describe what those actions are. Your readers will understand! :)
12/27/2007 c3 Louise Colette Leonard
Really good dialogue at the end! You've gotten Dumbledore down really well. Potions Mistress, hm. . . .me likey!
Really good dialogue at the end! You've gotten Dumbledore down really well. Potions Mistress, hm. . . .me likey!
12/27/2007 c2 Louise Colette Leonard
Better on point of view, but still a little off. Use either I for Hermione's point of view, or she for the omniscient. I like the passion between them. And love the bit about the undead! Very amusing! Keep going!
Better on point of view, but still a little off. Use either I for Hermione's point of view, or she for the omniscient. I like the passion between them. And love the bit about the undead! Very amusing! Keep going!
12/27/2007 c1 Louise Colette Leonard
I'm really liking this so far! My only suggestion is to keep a careful eye on your point of view. Your first paragraph was in Hermione's head, the next outside, then back inside. I"d stay with one or the other.
I did like the thoughts in the male's head (Snape?)...nice contrast to the first. And very intriguing! I like the angst of this; the realizations that all intelligent women come to at some point in their lives. Keep it up! :)
I'm really liking this so far! My only suggestion is to keep a careful eye on your point of view. Your first paragraph was in Hermione's head, the next outside, then back inside. I"d stay with one or the other.
I did like the thoughts in the male's head (Snape?)...nice contrast to the first. And very intriguing! I like the angst of this; the realizations that all intelligent women come to at some point in their lives. Keep it up! :)
12/27/2007 c11
4treadingfantasy
The plot is good but the constant change of POV's is a bit confusing. It's best to stick to one point of view. Other than that and the occasional grammatical mistake, it isn't too shabby. :)

The plot is good but the constant change of POV's is a bit confusing. It's best to stick to one point of view. Other than that and the occasional grammatical mistake, it isn't too shabby. :)
12/27/2007 c11
3IAmTheBadWolf315
Aw, thatnks, you're amazing too! :) I love the chappy and can't wait to see what happens when snape invades her mind!

Aw, thatnks, you're amazing too! :) I love the chappy and can't wait to see what happens when snape invades her mind!
12/27/2007 c11
3EruthiadwenGreenleaf
Wonderful chapter again! Its nice to see Hermione's thoughts on the subject of her lessons with Snape :) Can't wait for the next update!
Tish

Wonderful chapter again! Its nice to see Hermione's thoughts on the subject of her lessons with Snape :) Can't wait for the next update!
Tish
12/26/2007 c10
65notwritten
This chapter is so very cool, and very nice to read. Is there more chapters heading our way soon, so we can continue reading the story. Have a good day tomorrow. Keep smiling. :-)

This chapter is so very cool, and very nice to read. Is there more chapters heading our way soon, so we can continue reading the story. Have a good day tomorrow. Keep smiling. :-)
12/26/2007 c10
3IAmTheBadWolf315
I reviewed, do i get to be your bestest friend now, lol. I love the fic, I think it's really sweet. I can't wait for the two of them to hook up, but i know that when you are working with those two, getting them to get together can be rather tricky. :) thanks for being the first to review my story, I'm gonna try to update again tonight or tomorrow.

I reviewed, do i get to be your bestest friend now, lol. I love the fic, I think it's really sweet. I can't wait for the two of them to hook up, but i know that when you are working with those two, getting them to get together can be rather tricky. :) thanks for being the first to review my story, I'm gonna try to update again tonight or tomorrow.