FanFiction.Net
Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for what a life

2/23/2013 c1 unknown person
wow...what a bad OC or I should say Mary sue.
1/31/2013 c1 62That Dastard Cerberus
Firstly, you are wrong. Uchiha Hyuga babies would not come to be in the manner you speak of. Byakugan and Sharingan cannot exist together due to the fact that genetically speaking, Byakugan is a dominant trait while Sharingan is a recessive trait. Byakugan always shows up, but sometimes the Sharingan is repressed. So your character's green eyes don't make sense. She would have the Byakugan. Genetics. Also, Itachi wiped out ALL Uchihas. Doesn't matter the age. Also, there'd be fights over the child's bloodline if something like that would happen. Clans tend to absorb people into the fold. Research is your best friend.

Plus, Lily is not a Japanese name. Use Japanese names for Naruto. All their names are Japanese. Also, an elderly couple that are Uchiha and Hyuga do not work. Again, read up how clans behaved in Japan. Clan fights would happen. There's also the matter of the seal most Hyugas (minus the Main House; Hiashi, Hinata and Hanabi) must have. No exceptions.

Uchiha-Hyuga cannot be a last name. Usually illegitimate children receive the mother's last name.

Finally, you do not need a demon to have a good character. We all now know the ten tailed beast is a combination of the other nine, but that aside, this makes your character an outright Sue. But if you need a demon, why use a non tailed beast? Look into Japanese folklore. There's the kappa, tengu, oni, etc. And I don't think an Uchiha would be cursed. If so, why? How? Makes no sense.
9/12/2011 c14 4Ylmeia
This is awsome cant wait for more! XD
5/24/2011 c1 15OxVanillaPeachesxO
I want to say so much more, but all I can say is get a Beta Reader with common sense enough not to let you post typical stories of a Uchiha-Hyuga baby with a troubled past.

~Peaches
5/19/2011 c4 I am a Ninja 98
Tara and Shikamaru Stragy

Venna and Gaara Quiet yet powerful

Loekie and Kiba Both mischivioues

Lily and Sasuke 2 strong ppl

love ur story
4/22/2011 c13 7The Infallible Detective
What is this; I don't even-
3/8/2011 c1 RedJelloEater
Hello . I just wanted to tell you that this was like probably one of the best stories i have ever read . Please add another chapter please . D: It's on a cliffhanger and i'm dying to find out :'( .
3/5/2011 c13 4Wolf and Leopard
Hi, I don't really know if I can do this without sounding rude and I'm sorry if it comes out bad. I was wondering if I could be your Beta? I really like your ideas and imagination and I enjoy your stories immensely. They don't come out very often though and as you have said yourself, they sometimes have spelling errors. I actually am one of those people who doesn't care about mary-sue's as long as the fic is good and your fanfics are really fun and great to read to me. It is completely okay to refuse me if you feel like it, I am still very much inexperienced and am in fact only a freshman in high school. I have only ever edited Leopard's and my own stories, but I hope to being an editor in the future and would really appreciate the practice. I am sorry if I offended you in any way, I just read the other reviews you have gotten and think that your story should be appreciated more for the time and thought you put into it. You may have put a bit too much into your characters but I will openly admit that I have the exact same problem and do it all the time. You might have already even moved on from this fic and have become an even better writer from what I have seen with the other fic you have that I read and enjoy regularly, "Shifters" I believe. I still would like it if you would allow me to edit this for you because I enjoyed reading it so much. It is hard to find writing that gives you that feeling that the person behind it has a colorful imagination. I would also greatly appreciate it if you would read any stories that leopard and I have up at the moment and review them. If you don't mind? Thank you so much for your time and patience and I hope that you reply as well as pick this story up again someday.

Thank you,

The Wolf from Wolf and Leopard

P.S. I didn't really format this very well or anything because it is a review and as I mentioned above, I am still very inexperienced. I apologize for the messy writing. Thank you again for you time and patience.
2/4/2011 c7 5Kiwi-kiwi-kii
I like how your girls are so close, like family ...

You don't have to go into such detail with their clothing and stuff, though. Several paragraphs depicting outfits gets pretty boring to read. Do more about their abilities - although I'm sure I'll read plenty of that once I get to the part about the chuunin exams.
2/4/2011 c8 Kiwi-kiwi-kii
You should pair lily with kiba, he's crazy enough to keep up with her but can probably teach her to relax some. Interesting plot and characters, but isn't there any way to improve your grammar and spelling? If you type this up on Microsoft Word first, it has spellcheck.
11/19/2010 c1 Haruka Munashii
So...

This is a parody, right? Because no one can be this terrible at writing without making it a parody (note the correct grammar and spelling).

Some advice for you: delete this fic, start all over, learn the English language, and get a Beta.

~Haruka Munashii
12/17/2009 c1 Tamama
What is this? A joke? I hope it is, because I'm laughing so hard right now.
11/6/2009 c1 Ninja Saphera
kowaihimegimi !YOU ARE WRONG!

Ok, this was before the Uchiha clan was killed! You can tell in the reading the Lily is older the Sasuke meaning that the Uchiha clan was alive before Itachi killed then!

2nd the male Hyuuga and female Uchiha were drunk meaning that they were not able to think and make reasonably decisions about kept their bloodline "pure" at that moment leading to the birth of Lily!

3rd and last Lily had the 10 tailed demon passed down to her because the female Uchiha was cured that every first born baby girl would receive the 10 tailed demon. The demon would be passed on to her descendants. So the 10 tailed demon made Lily survive having two Kekkei Genkai and not making her blind, and not killing her!

SO THERE!

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

DON'T MESS WITH ME!
7/8/2009 c1 kowaihimegimi
There never can and never will be an Uchiha-Hyuuga. The families have traditionally kept their bloodline "pure". I believe that one can not have two Kekkei Genkai; especially a Sharingan and Byakugan. Researching helps.

Besides, ALL of the Uchihas were killed by Itachi (except for Sasuke). End of story. Sorry for the criticism.
6/22/2009 c12 4YourLaughMakesMeLaugh
Continue please?THIS IS A GREAT STORY!
31 Page 1 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service