for Diluted12/21/2008 c1 
3colouringcrayons
i love it! i dont usually go for daphe/astoria unrest but his one was marvellous! truly fabulous!
3colouringcrayonsi love it! i dont usually go for daphe/astoria unrest but his one was marvellous! truly fabulous!
4/25/2008 c1 13hondagirl
This is good. I always find Astoria/Daphne fics interesting because there's not much of a backstory beyond the fact that Daphne is a Slytherin in Draco's year and Astoria winds up marrying him. So all in all I think you've got a good start.
The only critique I have is your tenses swift. You switch from 1st person to second. For example you wrote, "I convinced myself that it was alright by telling myself that Daphne always got her way. She would forgive me." Which is in first person and fine. But then a few lines later you switch to second, "yelled Astoria, despite the fact that her parents were at work and her sister was in the shower." So I'm not sure if this is from Astoria viewpoint or someone else. So if you clear that up it would make it a lot easier to read. Otherwise I quite enjoyed it and I'm interested to see where you take it. :)
13hondagirlThis is good. I always find Astoria/Daphne fics interesting because there's not much of a backstory beyond the fact that Daphne is a Slytherin in Draco's year and Astoria winds up marrying him. So all in all I think you've got a good start.
The only critique I have is your tenses swift. You switch from 1st person to second. For example you wrote, "I convinced myself that it was alright by telling myself that Daphne always got her way. She would forgive me." Which is in first person and fine. But then a few lines later you switch to second, "yelled Astoria, despite the fact that her parents were at work and her sister was in the shower." So I'm not sure if this is from Astoria viewpoint or someone else. So if you clear that up it would make it a lot easier to read. Otherwise I quite enjoyed it and I'm interested to see where you take it. :)
3/22/2008 c1 25Hermione W. Cullen
This is good...coherent, effective, grammatically correct...I like how you used an original idea, too- no one ever talks about Malfoy's real wife. Good writing, good fanfiction.
*The author would like to take this time to shamelessly market her oneshot "Burning," because she thinks you'd like it.*
25Hermione W. CullenThis is good...coherent, effective, grammatically correct...I like how you used an original idea, too- no one ever talks about Malfoy's real wife. Good writing, good fanfiction.
*The author would like to take this time to shamelessly market her oneshot "Burning," because she thinks you'd like it.*
3/22/2008 c1 24Princess Gillybean
that was so sad. I love this idea and can't wait to see more of it.
24Princess Gillybeanthat was so sad. I love this idea and can't wait to see more of it.