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for PotterMontana Murder Mystery

9/24/2012 c1 44lilgenious
You may want to watch out for the character overload in this story. Already I can tell that you are being overwhelmed by the characters in both fandoms and that is by how you are making a few of the characters from the Harry Potter fandom awkward and choppy in their characters.

You may want to watch out for plot holes. I can already see a few plot holes that will later on effect the story that you are writing and this is the murder itself. You have two characters, one from each fandom being murdered- now while this can work. I have to warn you that Harry being murdered by anybody would raise the alarm that Voldemort or another Death Eater entered the school grounds in order to do it. I am a little confused by your plot overall because you go all over the place and as a reader, I have to say that you will lose the interest of potential readers because of this as well.

I am only going to say this about the Harry Potter fandom but your characterisation of all the HP characters needs some massive redoing on your part. Hermione, Ron, Dean, Seamus and any other characters that you have from that fandom are all out of character.

I don't want to appear like I am rude or anything like that but for a cross over that involves the characters from two fandoms being combined in one story, you really need to focus on the plot and making it strong, you also need to work on characterisation and what you want the characters to do and what not to do.

You also have to work on spelling- there are times throughout the fic that you spell things wrong and there are other times when you get lazy and not type in a number's spelling and just post it as their numerical form. This is a massive no no in the art of writing as it takes away from the flow of the story.

The one thing that you really need to work on is your plot because there are gaping holes in the plot line in particular and this within itself forces the story to fall apart. It doesn't hurt to sit down and write out the plot of the story and to over analyse what works and what doesn't because so far this story doesn't work. It goes all over the place and does not allow the reader to fully understand what is going on and the characterisation of the Harry Potter characters are wrong, even Harry's... and that is because he is dead.

Surely he would have put up a fight and his roommates would have heard something if he was murdered. Neville, Seamus, Dean and Ron would have been woken up by any disturbance or even a flash of light or the sound of a curse being sounded... Ron would have murdered the person responsible...

I don't know what else to say except for the fact that this story doesn't work for me at all.
8/19/2009 c1 5NutMegg

So, the characters didn't react enough, it was too sudden, and. you know what, I'm not even going to finish this. It was awful realy really awful. I don't know why anyone would 'adopt' it. and I don't know why you got the idea only to abandon it two chapters later. this should have been humor. it was hysterical laughing at the nonsense theses characters were speaking and acting out.

and thank god mileys finally dead.
8/7/2009 c1 40louisaeve
and By the way i'm so happy bcuase i like hate H.P. and i really want 2 write the story1
8/7/2009 c3 louisaeve

Iwas wondering if I could take this over as I have really good plans 4 it!

If u want to discuss with me what happens u can obviously1


P.S.please answer soon1
7/30/2009 c2 Bella
hey i was reading this and i had an idea for the story. and when i saw you were putting it up for adoption i had to ask if i could in your words "adopt" your story? if im not too late. so anyways im kinda new to this site so im a lil' unexperienced with how you reply but in anyway you can tell me if i can. :-D please and thank you!
7/3/2009 c1 7Element Wolf
Yeah! Miley's dead! :D! My life is fulfilled! Now if that would only happen in real life! This is mystery/hurt/comfort? It sux so much that I think it should be humor/humor. I was laughing my butt off! XD!
6/28/2009 c2 Addy
Okay...so, this was one weird crossover story, which got me interested in it and made me click on it. I was a bit horrified at the thought of a Harry Potter and Hannah Montana crossover, but I eventually decided to read it because I thought, "Oh, how bad can it get."

Let me start off with the beginning. I (sorry if this is offensive) felt happy and light that Miley was dead, being a non-fan of the show. But I felt that the characters under-reacted. How would you feel if your best friend died? If a fellow classmate died? I personally would feel extremely sadded, not just crying and studdering. I think that these emotions come later. Also, I noticed that everybody seemed to have the same emotion/reaction. I think that everyone reacts differently to things, although it's alright as a young author to do this, I just advise in future fics that you can give a little variety.

As for the plot, I'd love to see it continue, although I found it a bit strange that Miley and Lilly both came to Hogwarts. Why? A little background info would be nice. Also, why is it that they were killed? I'd like to see this point advance into future chapters. I think that the plot advanced too quickly. Maybe a little more describing words on what happened. More background to the story would be near necessary, although you could add that in future chapters.

I applaud your usage in grammar, such as using capitals. I always have respect for people who use their grammar properly, and won't be as harsh.

As for how Dumbledore should act, I think that he would be surprised. Dumbledore, in the books, really doesn't grieve, except when is needed. Think about his reaction to Cedric's death. He remained calm and tried to think of a solution to how he died. However, since Harry, one of his favorite students has died, I expect he would grieve a little.

I look forward to seeing more!
6/22/2009 c2 naomi
o its not that bad! just keep trying! but if harry is so important how could he b dead? DONT DO THAT TO HIM! jk i think u should make it like they let n/o know about the deaths & they just tell e/o that they were sent away on a mission or s/t while they try to figure out ''who's done it'' dont ya think? its up yo u my friend . good luck!
5/6/2009 c1 7TwilightobsessedfanxoxoEdward
ha ha Harry's dead? That's awesome I've always wanted that to happen you rock.
4/28/2008 c1 1stefanie51
like your story:)

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