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for Jumping To Conclusions

8/20/2008 c7 10The Great Mikey Weston
I'm actually a little disappointed ._.
8/20/2008 c7 Mony123
Not bad really... could of been longer :/
7/25/2008 c6 The Great Mikey Weston
Hmm...no offense, but I think Ch 5 was better, what with the whole process of DUN DUN DUN! For some weird reason, teleporting seems so...cliche, even if it's a Magikoopa. Sometimes even good things can get old...sigh...oh well, it was still good! Keep at it! ^^
7/11/2008 c5 The Great Mikey Weston
o.O NO! MARIO GOT NABBED!

...Ah, well. Looks like it's BOWSER TO DA RESCUE! XD
7/9/2008 c5 James Birdsong
Hooray. Well hopefully I like it. Who dare say. Thanks for writing.
7/1/2008 c3 The Great Mikey Weston
SO! When are you updating? XD

Update update update! You know, it DOES seem like Mario always jumps to conclusions; you're right, you know that? I never really thought about it before, but I get the point...
6/29/2008 c2 Lemmykoopa54
...um...it's complete? Really? I'd say it's too short, and if it's finished you could make a longer sequel.
5/3/2008 c1 13GenericSpider
That was hilarious! Update soon!
5/3/2008 c1 1Lugi2000
Hmm... It seems like it could very well become a good fanfic. Sounds intriguing, but there can be a lot more to add.

You don't ever want to start of a fanfic this way. This is what you wrote:

One fine day in the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach and her friends the Mario Brothers decided to go visit their friend Yoshi and have a picnic while on the island.

The is basically summarizing what could be a page long description.

First of all you could have opened up with a mysterious background. Something like this:

The sun flared over the denizens of the kingdom, many fatigued from a long day's work, only to be welcome to the burning summer sun. It was a midsummer day in the land of Mushroom Kingdom, the land of mushrooms. In the middle of a small village, where the Toads, midgets with a white with red spotted fungi growing on their teeny heads, were heading the the cool indoors after a hard days work. In the middle of the town, lies a bright pink castle, the rocks heating up from the burning sun until they were untouchable. No one was able to escape the dreading heat, not even the fair princess of the castle. She lay inside, unconscious from heat exhaustion. Many Toads were running about, fetching water to cool the fragile princess in pink.

I don;t have time to develop this, but as you can see, you can give a plot line, like say if Toadsworth, worried about the princesses health, advised her to go with Mario and Luigi to Yoshi's Island in order to escape from the heat, and so on and so forth.

Do you get what I mean that if you add more details and description, not only will it make it longer, but you also want to read it more. If you have any questions then you can message me.

Don't feel too down though, just try and do more details. I you want, you can send me a copy of your second chapter and I can revise it for you if you want. Feel free.

Nice story line. More work on details... 7.5/10. :)

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