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5/18/2008 c1 S.H.I.E.LD.13
nice chapter to begin with...post more soon! x
5/18/2008 c1 Boann
Hey.

This has great potential, but take it easy.

Comments like "sorry got off alan's pov for a sec" indicate laziness and it could have been easily fixed. eg "as he came downstairs, alan heard tintin and fermat giggling. Probably catching up on things, Alan mused." etc.

Take time to think of ways to describe a scene through alan's pov if thats the direction you want to take.

I will be keeping an eye open for your next update. This looks really promising!

Boann
5/16/2008 c1 14UltimateOptimist
great stuff! this is a fab beginning and i can't wait to read more
5/16/2008 c1 1CMT1992
I LOVE THIS STORY ALREADY! PLEASE KEEP ON GOING! I JUST REQUEST LONGER CHAPTERS...LOL, JUST A SUGGESTION.
5/15/2008 c1 Rivern
i really like this! the title is mysterious and makes you want to read it! i waould sujest some more description on how the characters have changed since spring break. you know hair, height ect. but i look forward to the next chapter!
5/15/2008 c1 54Cat 2
good start, keep this up.
5/15/2008 c1 Allyx
It's a good start, and idea, but there were a couple of things that were niggling at me.

First there were a couple of spelling mistakes I noticed, such as I'm fairly sure 'klanox' should be 'klaxon'. Try checking over everything a couple of times to pick stuff like this up.

Also, when you went into 'Alan's POV' you didn't stay there. Half the time you used 'I' which would be Alan's point of view, and half the time you used 'Alan' which is third person. Although you stayed with the same character it was jolting to be switching all the time.

This is a good start. Don't give up!
5/15/2008 c1 2genbo
well done cool begining

oh al has done it again but dawn that's going to hurt!

Up-date ASAP!
5/15/2008 c1 montogma
ouch.That had to hurt.It was a great start i hope you continue with the story!Looking forward to chapter 2!
5/14/2008 c1 73Iniysa
Opps, sounds like that's going to be painful. Looking forward to more! :)

Lauren
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