for The Catfish OLD8/11/2010 c1 
11Mistystarshine
That was wonderful! You should write a fanfic about Goldeneyes and Aquaeyes!
11MistystarshineThat was wonderful! You should write a fanfic about Goldeneyes and Aquaeyes!
5/21/2010 c1 31Holly of the Night
That was a very sweet story about Mousefur telling a story to the kits. I liked it very much, and the story she told.
And the conclusion of the kits sleeping with the Elder was very nice. So nice ^^
31Holly of the NightThat was a very sweet story about Mousefur telling a story to the kits. I liked it very much, and the story she told.
And the conclusion of the kits sleeping with the Elder was very nice. So nice ^^
6/23/2009 c1 18Shiner Shining Bright
Hmm.. I like this. It's a good story, but I noticed some missing punctuation. Perhaps I might be able to fix those, if you'll let me.
-MW
18Shiner Shining BrightHmm.. I like this. It's a good story, but I noticed some missing punctuation. Perhaps I might be able to fix those, if you'll let me.
-MW
1/1/2009 c1 1LostInThoughtOxo
"Wow. That was a great story!" Foxkit exclaimed.
I couldn't put it better myself. :)
1LostInThoughtOxo"Wow. That was a great story!" Foxkit exclaimed.
I couldn't put it better myself. :)
12/23/2008 c1 2Lady of London
It thought this was a great mini story but there were sometimes where it would have been more clear if you seperated the speech more. It was hard to tell if it was Icekit or Mousefur talking. You also accidently spelt retreated wrong. You spelt it retreded but then I am a Beta Reader, well maybe not now, I think I accidently deletd it but I'm getting it back. Thanks for the invite to the forum and I think your stories are really good!
2Lady of LondonIt thought this was a great mini story but there were sometimes where it would have been more clear if you seperated the speech more. It was hard to tell if it was Icekit or Mousefur talking. You also accidently spelt retreated wrong. You spelt it retreded but then I am a Beta Reader, well maybe not now, I think I accidently deletd it but I'm getting it back. Thanks for the invite to the forum and I think your stories are really good!
9/29/2008 c1 Promise Nottinger
[At night in the ThunderClan camp, the warriors retreated to their dens for some well deserved sleep. The queens and apprentices went to sleep as well.]
Those sentences are kind of boring. Since this is your beginning, you should want it to be as entertaining as possible. Try adding some description of the season, etc., then type something like "The warriors retreated into their den, swaying on their exhausted paws; the queens and apprentices shuffled into their dens as well."
[But two kits snuck out of the nursery, and into the elders den.]
Never start a sentence with a FANBOY. "into the elders' den" isn't an independent clause, so "and" doesn't need a comma before it.
["Mousefur?" the first kit squeaked. He was Foxkit.
"Are you awake?" the second kit asked. She was Icekit.]
The format of those sentences is the same (dialogue, which kit spoke, then naming the kit). That's pretty boring. Change it up!
["It is, we're getting to that part." Mousefur meowed. "As I was saying."]
Should be: "It is, and we're getting to that part," Mousefur meowed. "Now as I was saying..."
[He was seeing a CAT just floating in the water and her pelt her scaly like a fish's? ]
Don't abuse shift! Just take the word "cat" out of italics. Comma after water. "her pelt her scaly" doesn't make any sense. Why does that end in a question mark?
New paragraph with a new speaker.
[Back in that time rouges and loners would would give themselfs different names of the sort.]
Comma after time. "Themselfs" isn't a word; it should be "themselves".
[And one of the two-legs kicked me into the water, I thought I was gonna die. ]
That should be a semi-colon, not a comma. Again, don't start a sentence with a FANBOY.
[The she-cat gave him a confused look. "sigh Goldeneyes I think you drank yo much water."]
Make the first sentence "The she-cat gave him a confused look, then sighed." "Yo" should be "too".
["Hello? Aquaeyes are here?" ]
Comma after Aquaeyes.
[Goldeneyes swam in the water so much, that he seemed like a natural born swimmer.]
No comma before that.
[Aquaeyes gasped as went to the surface. Goldeneyes followed her, and they both saw four two-legs holding long nets, and casting them into the water.]
As should be and. No comma after nets.
["Oh no they're taking the fish! ]
Comma after oh. Period after no.
[Goldeneyes, go onto land and disract them, while I cut their nets." ]
No comma after them.
[The angry two-legs hissed when they saw that their nets were ripped apart, and retreaded. ]
No comma after apart.
[Suddenly lights surrounded Goldeneyes and he started to change.]
Comma after Goldeneyes.
[The sprit of this lake honors you. And it turned you into a catfish." ]
Comma after you instead of a period.
["The end." Mousefur concluded.]
Comma after end, not a period.
["Bed." Mousefur mewed and cuddled up next to them and fell asleep.]
Comma after bed, not a period. Period after mewed. Replace and with she.
Work on commas.
~Promise
[At night in the ThunderClan camp, the warriors retreated to their dens for some well deserved sleep. The queens and apprentices went to sleep as well.]
Those sentences are kind of boring. Since this is your beginning, you should want it to be as entertaining as possible. Try adding some description of the season, etc., then type something like "The warriors retreated into their den, swaying on their exhausted paws; the queens and apprentices shuffled into their dens as well."
[But two kits snuck out of the nursery, and into the elders den.]
Never start a sentence with a FANBOY. "into the elders' den" isn't an independent clause, so "and" doesn't need a comma before it.
["Mousefur?" the first kit squeaked. He was Foxkit.
"Are you awake?" the second kit asked. She was Icekit.]
The format of those sentences is the same (dialogue, which kit spoke, then naming the kit). That's pretty boring. Change it up!
["It is, we're getting to that part." Mousefur meowed. "As I was saying."]
Should be: "It is, and we're getting to that part," Mousefur meowed. "Now as I was saying..."
[He was seeing a CAT just floating in the water and her pelt her scaly like a fish's? ]
Don't abuse shift! Just take the word "cat" out of italics. Comma after water. "her pelt her scaly" doesn't make any sense. Why does that end in a question mark?
New paragraph with a new speaker.
[Back in that time rouges and loners would would give themselfs different names of the sort.]
Comma after time. "Themselfs" isn't a word; it should be "themselves".
[And one of the two-legs kicked me into the water, I thought I was gonna die. ]
That should be a semi-colon, not a comma. Again, don't start a sentence with a FANBOY.
[The she-cat gave him a confused look. "sigh Goldeneyes I think you drank yo much water."]
Make the first sentence "The she-cat gave him a confused look, then sighed." "Yo" should be "too".
["Hello? Aquaeyes are here?" ]
Comma after Aquaeyes.
[Goldeneyes swam in the water so much, that he seemed like a natural born swimmer.]
No comma before that.
[Aquaeyes gasped as went to the surface. Goldeneyes followed her, and they both saw four two-legs holding long nets, and casting them into the water.]
As should be and. No comma after nets.
["Oh no they're taking the fish! ]
Comma after oh. Period after no.
[Goldeneyes, go onto land and disract them, while I cut their nets." ]
No comma after them.
[The angry two-legs hissed when they saw that their nets were ripped apart, and retreaded. ]
No comma after apart.
[Suddenly lights surrounded Goldeneyes and he started to change.]
Comma after Goldeneyes.
[The sprit of this lake honors you. And it turned you into a catfish." ]
Comma after you instead of a period.
["The end." Mousefur concluded.]
Comma after end, not a period.
["Bed." Mousefur mewed and cuddled up next to them and fell asleep.]
Comma after bed, not a period. Period after mewed. Replace and with she.
Work on commas.
~Promise
9/26/2008 c1 Virtuous Wanderer
Okay... like I said with your other story, "Scenery!" I love it that you're taking the chance to improve your writing style, but you really need to work on some areas; I noticed that you have trouble with comma placement. Some thing that you need to discuss with your teacher, or mother.
Another thing, you really need to work on how you change the scene of the day, for example:
'Then he nodded to himself. Tomorrow he would go see Aquaeyes. The next day, Goldeneyes went to the lake again.'
You can't just say, "The next day..." That will cause all of the people in the world to flame you. Try to dedicate a quarter of your chapter to the trip to the lake and describe your character's emotions. When I write about my character's point of view, I tend to drone on when I describe. And then once you're finished with the chapter I recommend having somebody other than me beta it for you.
Best regards...
Z-C
P.S. Your flame isn't even that bad... When somebody tells you that they weren't impressed ask them if they can help you out. This won't cause people to label you as a 'n00b.' But if you say something really dumb than expect them put you down. You can't challenge that which is smarter than you.
Okay... like I said with your other story, "Scenery!" I love it that you're taking the chance to improve your writing style, but you really need to work on some areas; I noticed that you have trouble with comma placement. Some thing that you need to discuss with your teacher, or mother.
Another thing, you really need to work on how you change the scene of the day, for example:
'Then he nodded to himself. Tomorrow he would go see Aquaeyes. The next day, Goldeneyes went to the lake again.'
You can't just say, "The next day..." That will cause all of the people in the world to flame you. Try to dedicate a quarter of your chapter to the trip to the lake and describe your character's emotions. When I write about my character's point of view, I tend to drone on when I describe. And then once you're finished with the chapter I recommend having somebody other than me beta it for you.
Best regards...
Z-C
P.S. Your flame isn't even that bad... When somebody tells you that they weren't impressed ask them if they can help you out. This won't cause people to label you as a 'n00b.' But if you say something really dumb than expect them put you down. You can't challenge that which is smarter than you.
6/7/2008 c1 5Snowfeather5
Aw, I love those kits! How cute. You should write some more one-shot kit stories, this one was pretty good. = ]
5Snowfeather5Aw, I love those kits! How cute. You should write some more one-shot kit stories, this one was pretty good. = ]