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7/1/2008 c3 25Samurai Crunchbird
Mr. Average,

Hopefully, Tara will realize that Bonnie was not trying to steal Ron. If she was really trying to do that, she would not have confided her feelings to the one from whom she would have stolen him.

Until then, I honestly think Kim and Ron escaped, because you did not say anything about Duff noticing them still on the missile as it took to the air.

Of course...the only way to find out is to catch the next chapter.

Your friend in writing,

The Samurai Crunchbird
7/1/2008 c3 50acosta perez jose ramiro
Another great one! And nice self-insertion.

The flashback scene and Tara and Bonnie's argument were wonderfully done.

If you reply this, do it via e-mail, please. My server is failing and I don't get replies, PM or review alerts.

Keep the good writing.
6/22/2008 c2 panda0031698
good story so far. you got Tara's fealings done well but the dream was a bit rushed and felt unfinished.

Tara's reaction to Bonnie couldn't have been better and needed to be done.

reading the interaction between Ron and Tara tho just felt off to me it feals forced and doesn't flow right. if you can fix this this will turn in to a good story.
6/10/2008 c2 25Samurai Crunchbird
Mr. Average,

I apologize for not reviewing earlier. Real life kept me offline for over a week.

Indeed, this was a much better chapter as far as plot progression and banter were concerned. While Bonnie kept needling Tara, the kiss (along with Ron's reaction) were well done.

As far as Duff, I have an idea or two, but I will save it for a PM.

Your friend in writing,

The Samurai Crunchbird
6/1/2008 c2 9Captain Spider
Just wanted to say that I like the story so far, I am accully working on a Ron/Tara myself. As for Killigans plain I was thinking maybe he kidnappen the golfers to challange them to a game to prove that he's the best golfer in the world.
5/29/2008 c2 50acosta perez jose ramiro
Hey, very good one! Nice job with Tara here.

I think Killigan would organize his own tournament, and, by beating all the other golfers, prove his superiority; of course, each hole would have a dozen traps and stuff like that.

Keep the good writing.
5/29/2008 c2 6motorized-sasquatch
[creepy voice] I'll be watching this... [/creepy voice]

Did I detect a slight whiff of jealousy from Kim right there at the end, or was it just shock?
5/17/2008 c1 81Aero Tendo
Hey, nice story you have here. I wonder just what Bonnie will do. Of course I felt kind of sorry for the way Tara didn't get a chance to ask her question but I'm sure she'll get a chance. The question is will Ron say yes or no? hms... probably yes.

So for a first chapter, I think you have a good start. I can't wait to see what you do next with Kim, Ron, Bonnie, Felix, and Mo'. :) Update soon! :)
5/16/2008 c1 10RDF-73
Well all I can say is very nice start adn hope to see more of it soon.
5/16/2008 c1 50acosta perez jose ramiro
Very nice start. Great job with Tara and Bonnie's conversation; you got their personalities perfectly.

Keep the good writing.
5/16/2008 c1 25Samurai Crunchbird
Mr. Average,

This is a good foundation when Tara's emotions were reflected. As far as everything else, though...I'm sorry, but there is just no other way to say it...the rest of the chapter was just *average*!

Take the fight scene, for example. Here's what you wrote:

'Just as they were about to jump her a man in a ninja outfit landed next to Tara and attacked the goons in a very Jackie Chan like way. A few minutes later they were all defeated and Tara was safe.'

I am more than a little disappointed in this lack of description. I wouldn't be nearly this critical if I have not read your previous work. You are much better than this.

If nothing else, you could have tried something like this:

"They were about to pounce on her when a shadowy figure appeared by her side. He was dressed in black from head to toe, with only his deep brown eyes visible behind his matching mask.

With the precision of a ninja, the figure quickly dispatched of the goons and respectfully bowed to Tara. She quickly embraced her ebony-garbed savior."

After that, you could continue with her thanks and the rest of the dream.

See...if a schmuck like me could crank that out in five minutes for a review, I know a gifted writer like you could've done better than the effort you posted for that scene.



Also, in a minor issue, you were a little redundant when you placed Bonnie 'in Tara's driveway while waiting in her car in Tara's driveway'.

Emotionally, this is still a good foundation for a story. I look forward to seeing how this develops, along with the rest of the recent rash of Ron-and-Tara pairings.

In fact, I am thinking of doing one, too...only a little different than how everybody else has it so far.

Your friend in writing,

The Samurai Crunchbird
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