for The riches desire8/29/2014 c3 Guest
Come back
Come back
1/12/2013 c3 kaifox1991
nooooooooooooooooooooo but good story hope ya update soon...me shall follow XD
nooooooooooooooooooooo but good story hope ya update soon...me shall follow XD
6/10/2008 c3 
33Ai Enmaxjigoku shoujo
It could be written a little better but other than that it is awesome, hope you update soon!
33Ai Enmaxjigoku shoujoIt could be written a little better but other than that it is awesome, hope you update soon!
5/29/2008 c1 43TheRealRogue
Hi! Sorry I don't know who Naruto is. Please don't roll your eyes on that! :-P But since you have no "send message" link, just wanted to say how amazing your profile is! It really got me thinking... Thanks for posting it!
43TheRealRogueHi! Sorry I don't know who Naruto is. Please don't roll your eyes on that! :-P But since you have no "send message" link, just wanted to say how amazing your profile is! It really got me thinking... Thanks for posting it!
5/23/2008 c2 3Feyri
Okay, well you asked to tell you if you found any mistakes, so here you are. Not much really.
When you meant to say "right" you wrote "write."
"gorges" is actually "gorgeous"
and "alt" is "out"
Otherwise the story is great, so...off I got to the next chapter! ^-^
3FeyriOkay, well you asked to tell you if you found any mistakes, so here you are. Not much really.
When you meant to say "right" you wrote "write."
"gorges" is actually "gorgeous"
and "alt" is "out"
Otherwise the story is great, so...off I got to the next chapter! ^-^
5/22/2008 c2 101reychop
Oh... Suspense! I can't say much after this. Though it must have been a shock for Naruto to be kissed just like that. I also like how Sasuke was so determined. I hate it when authors make him angst and sulk. Oh yeah, this is a challenge for the young Uchiha.
I wonder what will be his reaction when he finds out that Naruto is actually a boy. This is getting interesting. I encourage you to continue. (did you see the hint? lol, I am not begging for an update. Hahaha...Or am I?) Update soon! XD
101reychopOh... Suspense! I can't say much after this. Though it must have been a shock for Naruto to be kissed just like that. I also like how Sasuke was so determined. I hate it when authors make him angst and sulk. Oh yeah, this is a challenge for the young Uchiha.
I wonder what will be his reaction when he finds out that Naruto is actually a boy. This is getting interesting. I encourage you to continue. (did you see the hint? lol, I am not begging for an update. Hahaha...Or am I?) Update soon! XD
5/22/2008 c2 1St. Sogn
…I’m confused here. You said that Naruto was “curved in the right places”, which is a lazy piece of description—it’s so boring it does not do much for the imagination—and started out with him being a female and revealed she was actually a he but because everyone said that he looks like a female, he decided to be one—what? What is this? Is he a transsexual? Cross-dresser? Then the next chapter uses the pronoun he. Seriously, what is Naruto here in this story.
There are issues more with spelling and punctuation than with grammar. These need to be fixed as soon as possible. Note that it’s also hard to tell who is speaking what when there are no visible tag lines for both characters. There are clues to tell who is speaking, but they are subtle and it takes a lot of effort to know who is talking which line. The general rule is to separate the dialogue lines for each character unless you clarify who is speaking what within the same paragraph. Collecting all the lines in the same paragraph is not recommended for long uses though. It is usually done for an effect or formatting purposes.
I recommend a beta. A beta would really help in this area.
1St. Sogn…I’m confused here. You said that Naruto was “curved in the right places”, which is a lazy piece of description—it’s so boring it does not do much for the imagination—and started out with him being a female and revealed she was actually a he but because everyone said that he looks like a female, he decided to be one—what? What is this? Is he a transsexual? Cross-dresser? Then the next chapter uses the pronoun he. Seriously, what is Naruto here in this story.
There are issues more with spelling and punctuation than with grammar. These need to be fixed as soon as possible. Note that it’s also hard to tell who is speaking what when there are no visible tag lines for both characters. There are clues to tell who is speaking, but they are subtle and it takes a lot of effort to know who is talking which line. The general rule is to separate the dialogue lines for each character unless you clarify who is speaking what within the same paragraph. Collecting all the lines in the same paragraph is not recommended for long uses though. It is usually done for an effect or formatting purposes.
I recommend a beta. A beta would really help in this area.
5/22/2008 c2 10HPTR Fangirl
The story was nice to read, but as you stated there are few spelling errors in the story. Some of these mistakes are as follows:
"...the raven just marched in the room with this determent look on his face." should be "...the raven just marched in the room with this determined look on his face" You spelled "determined" as "determent"
"...he was practically sucking the life alt of the blond" should be "...he was practically sucking the life out of the blond"
Overall, the story sounds good to me, but I suggest you to take advantage of using the beta readers at FFN ( or even using livejournal's naruto_betas community) so that they would help you catch these small mistakes. Don't take this as an offence, please.
I will continue to looking forward to read more chapters of this fic in the future. Update when you've time.
Bye.
05. 22.07
10HPTR FangirlThe story was nice to read, but as you stated there are few spelling errors in the story. Some of these mistakes are as follows:
"...the raven just marched in the room with this determent look on his face." should be "...the raven just marched in the room with this determined look on his face" You spelled "determined" as "determent"
"...he was practically sucking the life alt of the blond" should be "...he was practically sucking the life out of the blond"
Overall, the story sounds good to me, but I suggest you to take advantage of using the beta readers at FFN ( or even using livejournal's naruto_betas community) so that they would help you catch these small mistakes. Don't take this as an offence, please.
I will continue to looking forward to read more chapters of this fic in the future. Update when you've time.
Bye.
05. 22.07
5/21/2008 c1 101reychop
The story is good so far. I am curious as to how this turns out.It is still early for me to give my usual reviews so please bear with this.
I really like the idea of itachi helping his beloved little brother. Oh I wonder what would happen if they find out that Naruto is a boy in reality? It would be a drama! Please update soon
101reychopThe story is good so far. I am curious as to how this turns out.It is still early for me to give my usual reviews so please bear with this.
I really like the idea of itachi helping his beloved little brother. Oh I wonder what would happen if they find out that Naruto is a boy in reality? It would be a drama! Please update soon