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7/21/2018 c18 Mernom
Overall, it's not a bad story. Mediocre, maybe, but I've seen worse. A few things you could've done better:

1) flesh out more. Flesh out the conversations, the scene description, EVERYTHING. It's a retelling of a 20 episode anime, but it felt like 10 at best, even when you take into account that your characters joined Midway into the first arc. In a story based around OC's, you must use any opportunity to flesh them out, since you don't have anything carry over from canon.

2) change some more. Despite supposedly having high class Lost Logia devices, your characters had almost zero impact on the plot. The only real big of original content was the 'save the white princess' bit in the end, and after that we jumped straight back into regularly scheduled canon. 0 impact change stories like that is one of the most common types of story failure.

3) less powerups. When they're overflowing the story, a dime a dozen, they kinda lose their meaning? After all, when everything is a special move, it being special is no longer special, it's the norm.

3.5) chapter 1 is still missing dammit XD
7/21/2018 c15 Mernom
There's a reason why most anime limit themselves to one powerup per arc. It gives them meaning. Spam it too much, and they become just another ability to add to the pile, just like stupid 'gotta catch em all' type harems make the girls in them completely meaningless.
The fight itself didn't flow that well either. One moment he was getting pwnd, the next he got a powerup and the opponent was getting pwnd. And she immediately went into 'is he a monster' territory, after getting hit with one deflected attack.
7/21/2018 c14 Mernom
The time skip feels inorganic. The story doesn't feel like it was long enough to warrant one.
7/21/2018 c8 Mernom
I think that this chapter, being mostly original content, feels like the best chapter of the story so far, illustrates my earlier points perfectly.
I'm guessing that the answer to the question 'how does Kuro know how to drive, or even build a car' is the same as all the other questions so far, AKA 'genetic memory thingamajag'.
7/20/2018 c6 Mernom
Is this being written in tandem with the anime? If so, that would partly explain the bit where you intreduce change, but don't actually change anything (since you don't yet know the overall plot).
Still doesn't excuse it. If the OC's you added have zero impact on what's actually happening, why are they even there? If you don't know what the overall plot will be while you write, either wait for the anime to end, read the manga, or just write your own plot.
7/20/2018 c4 Mernom
This needs more fleshing out. A LOT more fleshing out. The scenes zip by like it's Need for Speed you're dealing with original characters, so you can't relay on canon to pull some of their weight, it's all on you.
Two additional problems: as far as I know, on Mid-childa they talk in Mid-Childian. Ergo, English. Do those two have conversational level English?
Also, one would expect someone like Nanoha, who has experience in training combatants, to be able to tell when someone has no combat experience, and their backstory would have one believe that they DO have it.

I'm guessing those are two more problems that get fixed in the missing chapter 1 (no, I'm not letting it go just yet).
7/20/2018 c3 Mernom
It looks like chapter 1 really is missing. And without knowing how we got from A (the crew getting devices drop on their heads from nowhere and suddenly getting arrested) to D (the crew being acting crew members of the Claudia, to the point of being sent into combat) leaves me confused. Especially since it looks like a huge breach in regulations, as they didn't go through basic training (Nanoha's situation was a bit different, as she did have a few weeks of experience, and they needed firepower YESTERDAY).

Well, they're going to the StrikerS training center I'm assuming, so that's at lease one problem covered. I'll keep reading some more, hopefully the good outweighs the bad.
7/20/2018 c2 Mernom
This and the prologue are identical.
11/26/2017 c2 7The Rocket Gamer
Um, what happened here? Why is the first chapter just the prologue again? There had to have been something that you wrote before...
7/2/2016 c18 1TheEmeraldMage
Ok it has been a long while but here goes...This story was good but big questions arised such as
two OCs, Yuuki and Kasumi being ok about magic confused me because if I could use the type of magic that was in this series, I would be freaking out but those two were fine about it and were drafted in the military with barey no resistance especially since Yuuki was an anime otaku so he should know of some things like that.
2. The fact that they can use magic at all and no mention of linker cores makes me scratch my head along with the use of codenames which I call a bit dumb mostly due to the fact that I felt that it was meaningless to do that for them and because if that's the case then Nanoha and Hayate should have had code names long ago since they were also born from Earth.
3. It was the exact same plot as Strikers despite being a retelling and the main difference being we were following the perspective of two OCS but none of the characters still didn't develop apart from the OCs which had big angst backstories and Subaru and Teana but only because it was the same as it was in the show.
4. A lot of cutting of scenes from the show which honestly made it feel very boring at times in the scenes that were added in felt incredibly pointless.
NEVER NOT ONCE ASKED CHRONO ABOUT THE DEVIL ARMS AT ALL! I mean that annoyed me because Riot force 6 is supposed to take Lost Logia and see if it could be for good and not to be left in the hands of the bureau including the higher ups and if Hayate knew about that then everything that happens afterwards with the OCS would have been avoided. It just baffles me that she did not ask him at all about that.
But I did enjoy the relationship between Subaru and Yuuki and even in the sequel that I do not believe exist and the other one that does not exist, they had good chemistry and they did work well together. Also despite the baffling logic behind the devil's arms and their wielders, they were cool devices. At the end of the day as the first Nanoha fanfic with a male OC, I thought it was pretty solid despite all the problems I've mentioned and the fact that the sequels I think ruined the story. I just wished that the other characters were not thrown like trash even though I didn't like them at first. Anyway this is still a soild story.
1/10/2014 c18 112Cyberchao X
...I wonder how many pages I have. I kept all the chapters separate so I don't have a full page count.
1/10/2014 c16 Cyberchao X
Damn...over already? With two chapters left? Huh...
1/10/2014 c15 Cyberchao X
Wow. Perfectly done; you could be an anime writer.
1/10/2014 c14 Cyberchao X
Hey, 25 is quite a lot! You're doing really good.
1/10/2014 c13 Cyberchao X
I'll say. Who the hell is Trodie?
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