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for The New Savior

1/27/2020 c1 s9ecm75lhrvsap
Wow! That's a new one. And, and there are sequels? Wow. Simply wow. And niccccce. :)
10/6/2010 c2 PSG1JOHN
That was fun new take, Cameron taking over for john
10/15/2008 c2 1Augustus Paladin Maximus
It was nice twist to the storyline. Though, was it so terrible to allow them ONE final kiss before he died? I am really looking forward to reading the sequel.
9/14/2008 c2 2bharned1
Shiny, I just discovered Firefly as well. I wish they actually would come out with a second season. Gorram bean-counters at Fox...
7/3/2008 c1 10C.Isaac
Flatlander -

I just finished my reread of this story. Here is what stood out most obviously for me:

Your prose is clear, concise, and I don't get lost. You make it easy to understand what's going on. That said, it's also not always that great at conveying emotions, something I've had to work on myself. You can get this through a combination of showing more of the character's reactions (and thoughts if using a PoV) and then more stylistic language in your narration (explosions bloom/blossom, bullets hail, etc) instead of strict description.

One of your plot conceits I didn't buy - the abandoned NORAD facility. Why would the US put *every* VIP in one place just to have it annihilated? This goes into a plot issue with the next story and that's the nearly empty NORAD facility. Not much can be done about it now, but it's something like this you might want to keep an eye on for later.

I liked the cutting back and forth with the dying John. I thought that was well done and you conveyed him coming in and out of consciousness as he dies quite well. Again, I think you need to convey more of what *he* is feeling because if you're cutting out with him, even if you're using an omniscient 3rd person narrator, you're basically using John's point of view.

There are some description issues. These three really caught me and caused me issues as I read:

"Cromartie seemed to take cover from the shots behind the achingly slow blast door" - He did in fact take cover and switch weapons after I read through this twice. 'seemed' is a word that should not be in there. Seemed involves description and emotion, not action. 'Cromartie took cover'. 'John seemed sad'. Actions are usually absolutes whereas emotion is not.

"Cromartie began hitting her." - How is he hitting her? Punching? Kicking? Squeaky hammer? Show, don't tell.

"Her motors were sustaining light damage" - Show, don't tell. EG: 'Damage mounted in Cameron's motor joints from Cromartie's blows hammering into her as sockets were wrenched out of place and joints began to bend past their tolerance limits.' Just a quicky example of how you could take that and expand it (and I'm sure, with little effort, you could make something that sounded even better).

The Firefly comment is cute, but a bit fan service-y. Wouldn't do it myself, but it's your fic.

Ok, that's about it for this fic. Overall I liked it and enjoyed it. It's an interesting take on this 'What-If?'.
6/29/2008 c1 Alana84
Great one-shot; I really liked it!

The character portrayal was great and so was the interaction between John/Cameron!

And the story was also very well written!

All in all, good job!
6/26/2008 c1 8Mark Question
I really enjoyed this. You're a very talented writer. Your premise was a good one. Your dialog strong. Your attention to detail in describing Cameron's cognitive functions (her perceptions of them, the reality of them, and their growth to that point) excellent. I really enjoyed the interaction between John and Cameron.

From the title to your summary, the signs that John was going to die were fairly obvious. But I was kind of caught by surprise, I admit, because you did a good job pulling me into the here and now of it. From his choice to step through the blast doors in a blatantly suicidal effort in order to help Cameron, to his exclamation of celebration that they had made it and were 'safe', when they were in fact, not at all.

In the story Sarah and Derek are both dead and John, but for Cameron, is alone. Now, this is sort of a nitpick, but I felt it would have been carried more weight to have a more intimate connecting (in the beginning, or wherever) of those revelations back to John. You don't go into detail about the specifics regarding their deaths (which I think was good; it wasn't necessary). But it kind of felt as though you stated such and such, and then just sort of moved on, not really branding them with any sort of impact on his character.

With that said, the story was lean and fast moving, and despite that minor gripe, most everything transitioned very cleanly. It may be more a matter of stylistic preference, rather than concrete flaws. What needed to be said you said, and the parts that needed to be weighty were for the most part just that.

I enjoyed this part:

- As soon as he said this, the thought arose in his head, a memory long gone. No one’s ever safe. Twice he heard this before, and here was the third time for good measure. And suddenly he knew why no one was ever safe, because as he turned around; as he watched the crack of the blast doors’ entry fade into a thin line of blackness; as he prepared to sigh in relief when the doors finally locked down and saved them from any impending nuclear destruction; as he watched, there was the glint of Cromartie’s pistol, and a flash of light followed by a report that echoed throughout the tunnel. And only then did the doors seal. -

And this:

- She smiled brightly, a light in her eyes that was so characteristic of humans. If John had seen her then, he would have thought her so beautiful, so worthy of the term “person.” She ran over to him, but when she got there, he was no longer breathing, no longer alive. He was done. -

On the one hand, Cameron's aware John is going to die before even he is, and as you would expect, she rules and moves on this fact dispassionately. Yet in the very next breath, you have her display a touching incomprehension when after all that time by his side she steps away for just a moment, returning (seemingly to her surprise [or its closest equivalent for her]) to find him dead. Someone else might have had her by his side the moment he died, and written properly it would have worked just as well. But her unsuspecting discovery of it was effective.

I would have found it interesting in that moment to know what Cameron considered of the fact that John might have survived were it not for his attempt to save her, but I guess some things are better left inferred rather than explicitly stated. Something to muse on, to be sure.

Anyway, well done.
6/7/2008 c2 3Miguel Artadi
Definitely shiny :)

I'm gonna go and check out the sequel right after this. Good stuff you've got here!
6/3/2008 c1 4Lanaa Taurof
Great story. I liked how technical it was, and appreciated how you wrote John and Cameron in a way that's realistic. Well done.
6/2/2008 c2 3Myxale
Great news!

If the next fic is half ways near the writing standard of "The new Savior" then it will rock!

5/30/2008 c1 18happyhooligan2001
That was very moving. The way Cameron gradually learned emotions and the value of human life until she was ready to take John's place as head of the resistance. It's not a very nice future but any future with a second season of Firefly can't be all bad!
5/29/2008 c1 Mellowyellow11
Great one shot, though if you could expand it give it our best shot.
5/29/2008 c1 3Trixi Hellfire
This was different, but brilliant and I would love to read more about Cameron as leader of the resistance.
5/26/2008 c1 tick-toc-tick
That was really good. Sad, but really good. It was a good idea with johns death, Cameron taking over and leading the resistance. Machine leading humans against the machines.
5/26/2008 c1 3triggercini
I must say I really enjoyed this. It's well written and I couldn't spot one grammatical error in the whole thing! Now that is definitely rare in a fic. Major kudos for that alone.

Now for the actual story, I loved the characterizations. A lot of people tend to make Cameron too human or even too robotic. It's a very fine line for her character and i think you handled her growth very well. Especially the "self termination" bit which was poignant and interesting. John was done very effectively too and you nailed the compassion that the character possesses and I can picture that he would be willing to sacrifice himself to save Cameron.

However what really made your fic amazing was the portrayal of J/C's relationship! Again, many authors always tend to move toward the romantic angle way too fast with little reason for the development and one thing I liked about your fic is that it doesn't desolve into a romantic drama fest. Yes, the love is more platonic but it ends up being much more meaningful.

Well, this review has dragged out for long enough so I'll leave you with a plea to please continue this! I'm really curious to see what you have in mind for Cameron as a leader for the Resistance.


P.S. LOVE THE FIREFLY REFERENCE ^^ A second season in 2010? That'd be SO SHINY! (if it were to happen :D)
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