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for A World Tipped on its Head

6/27/2020 c12 arksy
That was more confusing than surprising. You explained next to nothing. The original idea lies in shambles at this fic’s feet. God, my brain. I’m not even going to try to make sense of something with no tangible logic. Christ.
3/15/2018 c12 14Anna McNarin
Yeah... you need to flush this out more. Blarg. I'm trying to think of a nice way to say that you need to stop skipping detail. It makes the narrative choppier than waves in a hurricane. I also couldn't tell the difference between the two Danny's or follow what the characters were talking about. Again... lack of detail and too fast of a pace.
8/6/2012 c12 63BiblioMatsuri
Jazz and Dash? Ew. (Yes, I realize I'm missing the point.)

Well, that was mind screwy.
1/1/2012 c12 13DPfruitloop
Good... But confusing.
8/13/2011 c12 12obsessivereader95
hmm... it was really interesting and not at all what i expected. i didn't really like the ending. just a bit too abstract for my taste, but the overall story was amazingly well-written and thought out. thank you for continuing this oneshot!
6/1/2011 c12 1TheAuthorofShadows
Not a bad idea at all. However, it was executed poorly. The chapters were sloppy and rushed with next to no character development. It was hard to distinguish your characters, the two separate Danny’s mostly.

Also, the chapters were very choppy since you alternated back and forth between the two dimensions every few lines. It disrupted the flow greatly and made this much more difficult to read.

There are so many places you could have gone with this. You have an excellent idea really, but you didn't allow it a chance to grow and develop before giving it an abrupt ending. It has a desperate need of being refined.

My suggestion for you (and that's really all it is, it’s up to you to decide) is to go back through this from chapter one and redo it. I would start by asking Cordria if you can post her oneshot as the first chapter and move on from there. What you have here are the skeletons for this story. You need to give it some muscle and skin.

I would rewrite the first chapter you have, give it some girth. Add character development, give everyone a personality, and make it feel like your readers are a part of the story. Add about 3000 or so words to it. Then let it sit for a few days. Read over and ask yourself "does this make sense?" and if it doesn't, change it. Find a beta that is familiar with Cordria's work and the series and have them give you input on it. And then do the same with the other eleven chapters. Make this a story that people will want to read over and over again.

I really do LOVE your idea, its nothing I could have ever come up with, but you can so soooo much with it! Don't allow yourself to be limited! And as a side thought, if you do decide to redo this, I would love to beta this for you. I remember reading this when Cordria first published it and I would be thrilled to be a part of what can be a wonderful piece of art. :)

And remember "Critics are the people that love you the most. They are the ones that are showing they still want to help you improve. It's when people stop with the criticism that you’re in trouble."

Good luck in all of your endeavors!

TheAuthorofShadows
2/20/2011 c12 20Biisaiyowaq
Wow, I always wanted that one-shot to be continued, and now here it is! SO glad I found this! Keep up the good work! :D

~Biia
8/17/2010 c12 8Phantom-Danny
Very intresting ur story.:) I was right mine is completely different. and im happy for that. Good luck. and i hope u pop by to read my version.
8/17/2010 c1 Phantom-Danny
Sweet! I just found this. i should have looked to see if anyone else made the story to maybe see if mine copied it or not. Im currently making my own story like this and are reading yours not for ideas no i have enough of my own nope i did cuz i am one curious person if my parents made a ghost portal no one would need to convice me i would just go in blindly. maybe thats y everyone compares me to a cat oh well. will make another review when i finsh reading to see if my story runs somewhat like urs but i dont think it will see you in a hour.(it doesn't take me that long to read :))
1/24/2010 c12 3Echoheart
I am a little confused on what happened in the last few chapters. Some of the things they said were a bit confusing because you didn't exactly tell us what they meant or weren't very descriptive.

I still enjoyed the story though. Don't let me dicourage you. ^^
7/22/2009 c12 11LightDarkandChaos
... Nice. I have nothing more to say. This story si too good for words.
3/18/2009 c12 10Alexia Moonlight
Wow, that was oddly confusing. I loved it!
8/4/2008 c12 186Luiz4200
Surprise or not, I think you need to make an epilogue chapter with more details on what happened to everyone. Mainly Vlad.
8/4/2008 c7 Luiz4200
What's this 'Worther's Originals' Vlad mentioned?
8/1/2008 c12 6Amazing Bluie
Umm... what exactly happened?
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