for Helping Iruka Relax7/26/2008 c1 
5Claudias Magical Pencil
Liked the story. I aslo argee wiuth 'Whelewright" He has sopme good points, but many too in depth of a point. I think comma's would be a good way to improve it, but i don't think you should re-write this one, just add more chapters. reading it outloud to yourself helps you know where to put comma's so if you wanna improve i think that's your next step!. Good luck! write more please!
5Claudias Magical PencilLiked the story. I aslo argee wiuth 'Whelewright" He has sopme good points, but many too in depth of a point. I think comma's would be a good way to improve it, but i don't think you should re-write this one, just add more chapters. reading it outloud to yourself helps you know where to put comma's so if you wanna improve i think that's your next step!. Good luck! write more please!
6/23/2008 c1 2Wheelwright
Dear YaoiHellian,
nice story, but you should take greater care of punctuation! It's not necessary to employ commas in the copious amounts we Germans do (though we have cut back on them in our spelling reform), but sometimes a comma helps to structure a sentence and makes it easier to read.
In addition you sometimes seem to forget full stops as well, so it's hard to figure out who is the subject of the sentence (especially since you sometimes forget to name the subject at all).
I like it that you don't use the usual word order of subject - predicate - object all the time, because that can sound so very boring after a while. Unfortunately you start 38 of your 61 sentences (I count sentences by full stops, so perhaps I've sometimes rolled two sentences into one.) with an -ing phrase which might start getting on your readers' nerves after a while.
Personally I believe your story could be much better if you revamped it a bit. Let me apologize for coming over as Great Teacher Wheelwright, but I think you might profit more from some honest, well meant criticism than from something like "Oh, great story" (without telling you what was so great about your story at all) in the end.
2WheelwrightDear YaoiHellian,
nice story, but you should take greater care of punctuation! It's not necessary to employ commas in the copious amounts we Germans do (though we have cut back on them in our spelling reform), but sometimes a comma helps to structure a sentence and makes it easier to read.
In addition you sometimes seem to forget full stops as well, so it's hard to figure out who is the subject of the sentence (especially since you sometimes forget to name the subject at all).
I like it that you don't use the usual word order of subject - predicate - object all the time, because that can sound so very boring after a while. Unfortunately you start 38 of your 61 sentences (I count sentences by full stops, so perhaps I've sometimes rolled two sentences into one.) with an -ing phrase which might start getting on your readers' nerves after a while.
Personally I believe your story could be much better if you revamped it a bit. Let me apologize for coming over as Great Teacher Wheelwright, but I think you might profit more from some honest, well meant criticism than from something like "Oh, great story" (without telling you what was so great about your story at all) in the end.