for Her Most Beautiful Smile6/11/2008 c1 Miss Crit
Good, but a bit short. I understand that you're trying to convey a bit of anonymity between the characters, and you hope that the readers understand who they are, but it's always a good idea to actually insert the character's names. Without them, it's not fanfiction. There are some points where the wording seems incredibly awkward. For example, your second sentence is worded rather poorly and, even though I understand your meaning, it detracts from the simplicity of the piece. Also, there is at least one misplaced modifier with, "With a swift motion, I watched..." You can't watch swiftly, so you're probably referring to Kagome's motion with her hands. But this is terribly unclear, and needs to be fixed.
I do realize that this is meant to be a rather short story, but the shorter your story, the more you have to pay attention to each word and sentence. You have to get the word choice exactly right, and you have to make sure that the wording is perfect. This story in particular needs some work.
Good, but a bit short. I understand that you're trying to convey a bit of anonymity between the characters, and you hope that the readers understand who they are, but it's always a good idea to actually insert the character's names. Without them, it's not fanfiction. There are some points where the wording seems incredibly awkward. For example, your second sentence is worded rather poorly and, even though I understand your meaning, it detracts from the simplicity of the piece. Also, there is at least one misplaced modifier with, "With a swift motion, I watched..." You can't watch swiftly, so you're probably referring to Kagome's motion with her hands. But this is terribly unclear, and needs to be fixed.
I do realize that this is meant to be a rather short story, but the shorter your story, the more you have to pay attention to each word and sentence. You have to get the word choice exactly right, and you have to make sure that the wording is perfect. This story in particular needs some work.