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2/3/2013 c3 Magical Bananas
2/3/2013 c1 Magical Bananas
Love it so far! Its really good!
7/20/2009 c3 267DragonyPhoenix
From what I recall of the first two chapters, you're doing better with the spelling and grammar. Congrats. One typo: "she saw a younger girl uncurl from were she was hidden in the corner." "were" should be "where".

I'd like to see more description, especially that might support what the characters are feeling. You do a great job of this when Pan reaches her arm through the bars of the cage. Totally says "I want out!" I'd like to see more of that.

Talking through the first scene: Storm woke before Pan and then looks out the bars before doing anything else. Wouldn't she be worried about Pan? They've been beaten around a bit so I'd think she'd want to check up on her sister first.

I'd like to see more description of how they each feel about being in the cage. How are their reactions similar and different? Like in the first chapter, when they fly off the building, and Storm notices that Pan is all "Whee!" Pan obviously wants to escape, since her first step is to reach out the bars but she's also the one who asks why they should try and escape; seemed contradictory to me.

When Storm looks out of the cell, what does she see? Are the stones in the hallway also moss covered? Are there stone walls in the hallway at all or something else? What kind of light is it? If it's torches, they could be flickering and there would probably be dark areas between the torches which could represent multiple obstacles to their escape (i.e. even if get out of cage, can they get out of basement? More locked doors? Would they get lost? Magical defenses?) Mage lights could illuminate the entire hallway, so there were no dark areas, and all that light, given they are in relative darkness could then represent a desire for freedom.

You say that the room is more comfortable than Storm would expect. How about showing that? Compare what she would expect to what is actually there. Storm was surprised to see they had two cots at all, much less soft but warm blankets and goose down pillows. Is there a water source so they can drink when they want? Toilet?

Very good characterizations of Harry, Ron, and Hermione for the most part. Since the readers are familiar with them, you don't have to describe their motivations the same way you do for your own characters. So the two boys trailing down the hallway towards the noise with Hermione trailing behind seems, to me, to be a perfect level of detail.

Pan and Storm "launched themselves at the bars" but their "shoulders contacted solidly with the wall". If they are aiming for bars, they should be hitting bars.

When they hear the kids running down the hall, explain why they don't both hide. I'm guesstimating there isn't enough room to hide them both but I don't know. Also, I don't think I know what Storm and Pan look like either than unusual eye color and wings.

You seem to be a bit down on Hermione. After Ron said, "Lead on," she scowls although I don't know why. Later Harry tells her she's not helping when it could easily be seen as Ron not helping.

I love that Herminone is determined to bring this to Dumbledore. Very in character for her and, given what he tells Snape about wanting to integrate the half breeds in the school, a great way to get them together.

"That Snape is the problem." Lovely last sentence.

Glad to see you continuing on with this. Keep up the good work.
7/19/2009 c3 12bookmouse17
could be good. keep going! =] update soon
4/22/2009 c2 6TwilightMus
Yay. At first I assumed this was pre-HP time, but I'm happy to see the trio. ":D

A side note, guards at hogwarts? And what sort of guards? I'd like to know a bit more about THEM :}
4/17/2009 c1 TwilightMus
Yay! Evil wizards, the dark side of the good n' happy. That's good cus the wizards were really racist in the books and it was kind of left alone to deal with Voldemort. But half breads of what exactly? Perhaps it will be revealed in the next chapter... hehehe :D
3/12/2009 c2 Wack0 Jack0
OMG another great chapter and I really want an update hurry hurry i am so excited you really got the characters personalities in the story YAY FOR YOU!
3/12/2009 c1 Wack0 Jack0
so good love it omg update soon
1/30/2009 c2 267DragonyPhoenix
You are writing a good story. I like how you put in interesting and unusual details, such as Ron mocking Malfoy by saying his father escaped from Azkaban with the metal grinding potion.

Also, "Things that go bump in the dungeon" is an excellent title.

Spelling errors, such as "rushed down the stirs" should be "rushed down the stairs". I commented on why you want to avoid that in my review of your first chapter.

Why are the two half-breeds being locked in the dungeon? I ask because Dumbledore does not seem like the type who would go along with that type of thing. Look how he gave Hagrid, who is half giant, not only a job at Hogwarts but a teaching job. This is my biggest problem with this chapter because it seems completely out of character for Dumbledore to allow something like this and, since Snape comments on them in his class, the teachers, and therefore Dumbledore, do know this is happening.

What year is this for the characters? If Malfoy is in Azkaban, that would put it towards the end of the series, in which case Herminoe, Ron, and Harry are less likely to worry about Snape's class and more likely to investigate the injustice of someone being carried in a sack into Hogwarts dungeons. Remember, they have no idea what's in the bag, just that something is squirming. OK. I'm putting my knowledge of who's in the bag into my interpretation. So, make it clear that they don't know what's in the sack by having one of the characters say something like, "It's probably just some monster from the forest" or something although I'm not sure monster from the forest works well. Pretty much anything to make it clear that they don't suspect sentient characters, that is people, are in the sack.

While I think you have some things to work on related to your writing, don't we all :-) , I am enjoying the story and look forward to seeing more.
1/30/2009 c1 DragonyPhoenix
You are writing an interesting story.

I like how you start in the middle of a chase, getting right into the action. Good job of catching my attention.

You also distinguish differences in Storm and Pan's characters quickly by having Pan laughing during the escape and Storm commenting on it. I would have liked a more detailed description of what Storm thought of Pan's laughter. "I'm glad someone is having fun, Storm thought sarcastically." Or "Storm thought fondly." since Storm doesn't seem the sarcastic type. I'd really like to see something like "Storm thought fondly, thinking back on some madcap adventures Pan's foolish antics had gotten them into" but they are in the middle of a chase and that really is too much for Storm to be thinking of. What I'm really getting at is a clearer understanding of what Storm thinks of Pan although, since this is a chase scene, it may not be the best place for that.

Your grammar and spelling isn't always correct. Many spelling errors should be caught by Word or OpenOffice or whatever you are using. Grammar is more difficult but is something I think you should work on. Incorrect spelling and/or grammar will take the reader out of the story, which you don't want. Some examples. In paragraph 1, "The two girls ducked around the wizard and witch's shopping" should be "wizards and witches". Diagon Alley is also spelled Diogon Alley in your story. You really are off to a good start and I'd hate to see easily found/fixable errors losing your audience.

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